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Current Mood: Shitty (sweet Jesus H. Fuck I am witty)

Fucking Shit

At what point in your relationship is it ok to and specifically how do you broach the subject of bringing shit into your sex life? Maybe it’s a gradual process of feeling your partner out.

First never flush the toilet after you crap. See how that goes over. Then maybe, let out a huge fart while getting pounded doggie-style and see if that causes any disgust. Next, start poking around your partner’s ass—always digging a little deeper to see how receptive they are. Then one day when things are hot and heavy, go for the gold and yank out a huge loaf from their ass and gobble it up.

Actually, now that I think about it I guess it would be best to get it out of the way on the first date, maybe even use that as a pickup line. Its upfront, it cuts through the bullshit and you don’t have to spend years of your life pretending to be interested in her scrapbooks, Pilates, knick-knack collecting or whatever else boring thing gives purpose to her life in the hope that one day your patience will pay off in being able to smear your own shit all over her tits and have her watch you clean it off.

You mention it in the 1st five minutes, she either slaps you and you’re evening just got freed up to whack off to 2 girls 1 cup for the 4,378th time or she’s into it and you just met your dream girl.

Or maybe its like Calculus. Both people in a relationship, at the same time and independent of each other, decide they want to try it. Just out of the blue.

Ballad Of The Brown Eye

Pop Culture Pedophilia

Initially this was going to be about how engrossed our culture is with shit. But then it took a horribly awesome, wrong turn.

A few posts back I detailed all the various words and phrases we have in America for shit, ass and anus. Amazing. Within 4 minutes of starting I had 20 words for poop, 28 for the whole butt and 16 for the butthole. Obviously a culture with that many different ways to describe shit, ass and anus is pretty god damn enamored with excretion.

I wanted to find other examples of our culture that reference poop and butts. I turned to music, spent 15 minutes making a mile long list of rap songs, then got sidetracked with Strokin’.

I dare you to name 2 other popular songs that reference anal sex. I could only come up with Date Rape by Sublime as the only other song and it’s not all that popular.

Cue my horribly awesome, wrong turn.

As I was thinking about Sublime, I realized that they had another, more popular song about illegal/immoral/awesome sex—Wrong Way.

Then I tried to think of more songs about pedophilia/statutory rape/underage sex and I wasn’t disappointed:

Next to each song is the position it reached on a mainstream chart—the worst one only reached #14. All the above songs about sexy underage children were popular hits. Child sex is ingrained in our society, even more so than shit.

Sure we have a ton of words for pooping, but that’s just the basis of our communication. When it comes to what we produce as a society, how we focus our creative abilities and what the masses enjoy as art in our society, we spend a crap ton more of our energies and resources on celebrating statutory rape.

So, what I am saying is don’t look so fucking innocent or disgusted the next time you hear about a child pornographer on the news getting busted. You’re part of this culture too, you or someone you love paid money to enjoy a poem about romantic encounter with a minor set to music. Just because you enjoy pedophiliac art in a different medium doesn’t make you better than someone who prefers their’s via graphic images.

I’m no anthropologist, but I am certain our kiddie fucking art and shitty language is a more honest reflection of what our culture is than you may want to believe.

Life’s Crappy Theater

I will beat the sight out of the next deaf motherfucker who wants me to buy some crappy flower because he thinks his deaf ass can’t work. Then they will experience a real handicap.

Today was like the 3rd time that’s happened to me—and with a different mute each time. I am eating lunch and some fuck walks around passes out these small, crappy flowers out to everyone in the restaurant. Attached is a note saying that he’s deaf and this is how he supports himself.

So I told that hearless shit to read my lips and get a fucking job.

Deafness is like a sprained ankle—a nuisance at worst. Oh sure you have to limp and people have to take their time with you and some things are harder, but life doesn’t end because your foot ballooned up and turned purple. Same thing with being deaf.

Blind people would give their right arm to be deaf instead. And people without a right arm would give their left eye to have their right arm. Fuck you deaf people, you get no pity from me.

What really abscesses my rectum is that he did get pity, his scam worked. There are so many unthinking people in the world. Charity is like a play where a bunch of self-serving fucks come together to leech off each other in a charade of humanity.

The deaf guy, he got money out of it. All the fucks who didn’t give 2 shits about a deaf guy 1 minute before he handed them a shitty flower got to think they did a good deed and gave their ego a shot of delusion. Transaction complete, everyone’s happy.

Its not that I hate deaf people or bums or people who want to do good, I hate the whole theater everyone puts on in doing so. Too many situations in life seem scripted because everyone plays their part so precisely without thinking. Everyone has their role. Everyone has their lines. Everyone’s action rehearsed. But no one thinks, no one actually pays attention to what goes on. No one ever stops the production and says, “Hey wait a minute cocksucker. You’re only deaf. Go get a real fucking job. Be a mailman, a computer programmer, a fry cook, a data entry monkey, a janitor.. ”.

Nope. Everyone just recites the next line in their script and pats themselves on the back for doing such a good job.

Diarrhea Can Kiss My Rosy-Red, Black Ass

Diarrhea gets a bad rap. From Latin, it probably literally means “soupy poop”, which inherently isn’t bad. I mean, so my shit isn’t solid. As the teeny boopers are fond of saying these days: Big fucking deal.

It’s not like I am showing it to the world trying to impress everyone by having solid bowels. So I shit liquid. It’s actually better.

Let’s look at this pragmatically. I have had all 4 of the major states of matter come out my ass (solid, liquid, gas, and plasma–don’t ask) and by far liquid is my second favorite. Once done your clean in 2 wipes at most. It’s the shit that cleans up after itself. Diarrhea is nature’s bidet.

Listen to others though and when you hear them talk you would think it’s the devil’s feces. People associate liquid poop with being deathly sick:

Fuck that shit. I don’t let my crap tell me how I feel. And most often after a squirty session on the toilet, I feel fine.

To quote my niece’s 2nd grade soccer coach: ‘Quit being such a whiny bunch of cunts and man up’.

More Shitty Blog Awards

Now, I may be misremembering my teenage years, but I am pretty confident that at 16 I didn’t need to learn how to not fuck. I had that down to a fucking science, so to speak. And I was good at it too. Everywhere I went, I wasn’t fucking.

But it wasn’t for lack of not trying. While I was constantly busting my ass to not not fuck, much to my dismay, I didn’t. Like any normal person, I would have not, not fucked anything that would’ve let me. So, it is with great bewilderment that I split my Third Whenever I Feel Like Passing It Out Shitty Blog Award and bestow it upon both Abstinence Is Sexy Blog and The Abstinence Clearinghouse Blog.

They are both blogs about abstinence, but oh so differently shitty. It was extremely close and hard to judge this one, so I named them both winners. The The Abstinence Clearinghouse Blog was trailing until I noticed that the majority of its posts were authored by a user named HotMama247. Too god damn delicious. If only she could have snuck in ‘69’ or made a reference to her bust size in her user name as well.

Besides that, what makes The Abstinence Clearinghouse Blog shitty is that it looks, feels and actually is part of a lobbying effort. Their aim isn’t really to get kids to stop or not start fucking, it’s a level higher than that. Their aim seems to be more about persuading various organizations to allocate resources to encouraging abstinence. Pretty disgusting. They’re essentially a middle man in the abstinence industry (yeah, wrap your cock around that phrase for awhile).

Like most cause related non-profits (which they proudly mention in many instances)—they took their ideals, buttfucked the shit out of them and now are actually a big business built around that cause (i.e. Breast Cancer Awareness, NRA, MADD, Hunger Ending Programs, etc.). Then, like most businesses today, they jumped on the marketing bandwagon and started a blog because some MBA fuck decided it would make their corporate empire seem more personable.

The whole idea of it just makes my rectum heave. I just feel dirty thinking about their organization. Their blog is shitty for the wrong reasons.

The Abstinence Is Sexy Blog, however, is shitty for the right reasons. It’s just perfectly crappy. There’s no ulterior motive, no 501(c)3 pseudo-charity behind it, just some lady who stopped fucking and spreading her message about not spreading your legs.

The Abstinence Is Sexy Blog is shitty like most blogs today are shitty. Full of drivel, sparsely informational and trying to make a buck off all of it. That’s right; the first thing you see underneath the title of the blog on the page are Google Ads. God bless capitalism. That blog actually whores out abstinence to make a buck.

Best of all, as you’ve probably figured, is the name: ‘Abstinence is Sexy’. That is just awesome squared. The blog took the old adage, ‘Sex Sells’ and actually tried to apply it to abstinence. That blog is operating on a higher plane.

So congratulations to The Abstinence Clearinghouse Blog and Abstinence Is Sexy Blog, you are now both proud recipients of my Whenever I Feel Like Awarding It, Shitty Blog Award.

Burn Your Asshole Shut

Continuing on with my scarred cock.

Isn’t circumcision awesome? I mean really, my mom could have taken 9 seconds everyday out of her lazy whore life to properly clean me, but instead deemed it better to chop a piece of my dick off.

I know what you are thinking and you couldn’t be more wrong. I’ve had this discussion and while my dad was as complicit as a German Protestant in not stepping in and saving my foreskin, it truly was my mom’s decision.

God forbid she wipe the inside of my dick clean. Jesus fucking Christ, what a travesty. I mean thank the good fucking lord above that surgical techniques were advanced enough in 1974 to chop dickskin off so that a little smegma was prevented. What a god damn godsend to lazy, age of Aquarius mothers everywhere. No need to properly clean and take care of your newborn son–we can cut the part we don’t like off.

As I was pounding out today’s poop, I thought, ‘Why stop there’? Hopefully we will be able to apply what we have learned from circumcision to other areas of our bodies that need to be cleaned regularly. That is why I pray that someday, somewhere they invent/perfect a surgical technique that will burn everyone’s asshole shut. I mean come on—how many mothers are currently wiping babys’ asses clean? And that stuff isn’t just dick cheese–it quite literally is shit.

We overcame and nearly eradicated dick cheese. The ending of shitting has got to be viable. Some sort of cauterization, suturing or rectum trap to help make lazy mothers lives even more easier.

Illogical Logic

As I was pounding out today’s loaf, I looked down and realized that my cock is an excellent case study in the sheer awesomeness of our government. First and foremost, I am not one of those idiots who think of myself a genius because I can point out logical flaws in the application of our government. I am a genius because I know applying logic to a system that has shown itself to not follow logic, is not logical.

Time and again, our government demonstrates that it doesn’t employ logic, so if you are one of those fucks who takes one set of laws and uses logic to show that another set of laws is ridiculous—then you’re a dumbfuck and impressing no one.

You know who I am talking about. These dickshafts who think they are rocket scientists when they tell you how marijuana should not be illegal by comparing it to legal drugs like tobacco and alcohol or the cum-eaters who brilliantly argue why states who have no helmet laws shouldn’t have seat belt laws either. You’re not a smart for pointing that stuff out, quite the opposite; you’re a fucking idiot because you can’t see laws aren’t based on logic. Stop trying to apply it.

Which brings me to my cock. While I do find some laws simply ludicrous, often redundant and more often contradictory to other laws—I don’t get worked up into a tizzy—I simply enjoy it.

When I was hours old I had a piece of my cock cut off—as do millions of boys each year–I was circumcised. Within a week of that I had a bath and as I was being dried off I got my picture taken—with my monstrous baby cock in full view and its full glory.

Here’s the great part, as much as I would like to show you that picture and let you see the physical evidence of how much pain I surely had to go through (the scar I have now, wasn’t a scar then, it wasn’t fully healed), I can’t because its illegal for me to do so. By today’s protect the children laws, that’s kiddie porn and I would be a distributor.

Simply awesome. My parents are free to have some guy chop a piece of my baby cock off and take a picture of it. But 35 years later if I want show someone that picture as evidence of my pain its illegal. It doesn’t matter at all that the baby in the photo is me, it doesn’t matter that my intent is to demonstrate my pain not provide jerk-off materials to the world, it’s still illegal.

Fucking sweet. See, I am not worked up. Not asking you to contact your congressional representative to change the law so I can show you my baby cock. I am just enjoying the retarded system we have.

I mean really, that’s the only purpose all things retarded serve. Whether its stupid laws or Special Olympians, their only redeeming value to society is our entertainment.

Scary Shit

You know what scares the shit out of me? What keeps me up at night? The thing that wakes me up in a cold sweat? Its dying in the most horrible way imaginable: getting hit by a train.

Oh man, that’s some scary shit. That has got to be the worst way to go. Drowning, burning to death, Chinese water tortured, bleeding to death from paper cuts, being fucked to death by a horse, all those have nothing on getting your ass run over by a train.

The death itself would be pretty painless. I mean one second your alive, the next your brains are painting some engineer’s coveralls. That wouldn’t be too bad.

The horrible, terrifying part, the absolutely bone-chilling, white-knuckle, frightening part is when the local news catches wind and shows up with their cameras to film how your dumbass ate it. Jesus, that’s just scary. Gives me shivers thinking about it: Your friends, your family, all your co-workers and everyone you know finds out you’re a fucking idiot.

Absolutely horrifying.

I mean, you’re familiar with how trains operate, aren’t you? The don’t fall out of the sky from nowhere and crush people to smithereens. The don’t travel an indiscriminate path across America, recklessly looking for prey. No, its pretty easy to spot and avoid getting hit by them. In fact, you pretty much have to try to get hit by them.

The run on fucking tracks. Big lights flash when they are near. They make a ton of sound. In most places, barricades come down and prevent people from driving across their tracks when a one is approaching. Even when that doesn’t occur, they are pretty fucking easy to spot.

That’s why, every time I drive across railroad tracks I look left, then right, then left again and then tear ass across. God, I’d hate to have my life reduced to a roadside cross beside a railroad crossing for all to see what an idiotfuck I was. However, if you know of some one like that, let me know, we can warn and entertain others with their story.

World War #2

Happy Iwo Jima Flag Raising Day everyone. On this date 64 years ago America began another beautiful chapter to its life. Beautiful, as in shitty and disgustingly funny, like Ruby Ridge, or when a retard tries to do a somersault in gym class, goes over wrong, cracks his head on the floor and craps himself.

Beautiful.

63 years and 361 days ago, the U.S. invades a shitty island halfway between Mariana Islands and Japan. Few days later some military guys raise a flag atop a mountain there. They got their picture taken doing it, but it’s not the famous picture you see molested here. Soon after a bigwig navy guy is coming ashore and sees the flag and wants it as a souvenir. Word gets back to the marine guy who originally had it put up. He says, fuck that and sends other guys up with a new flag to put up so that the navy guy steals the wrong one.

Did I mention that the fucking war and fighting on this island is still going on? Yeah, believe it or not, petty politics without regard for human life existed prior to 9/11/2001.

After the first stars and stripes is taken down, a photographer takes a picture of the second flag being raised. That is the picture that is famous and the one they based a memorial on in D.C..

It gets better. Someone smelled a moneymaking opportunity. The guys who put up the flag were identified and put on a U.S. War Bonds tour. Well, the 3 that survived the island were. They went around the country with posters of the famous picture and goading people into buying bonds.

However, they misidentified one of the raisers. Some time later the guy closest to the flag told them they got the guy at the base wrong. He was ordered to shut up because the Marines had already released the names to the press.

Semper Fi.