For About 0¢ A Day...|
You Can Help End Hunger Ending
My grandmother was truly a wise and talented lady. She once macramed her favorite saying about organized charities onto a pillow and put it on her plastic covered couch for company to enjoy while she served them Sanka and Tareytons.
"Fuck you, you fucking self-congratulating shitfuck do-nothing motherfucker fuckasses."
Truly a wise lady.
All these prim-rose pieces of shit hunger ending charities with their 4 color marketing materials and 120 second cable TV commercials begging like pregnant meth whores for money to end hunger are never going to end hunger. Have they even made a dent? These cockwarts have been using commercials of hungry, 3rd World bastard infants to try and guilt me into donating money to their shams since I was a hungry, 3rd World bastard infant. Surely they should be closing in on the end of hunger by now.
They shove all kinds of hunger stats up your ass, bend over backwards sucking their own cocks with specific numbers of meals they provide and can break it all they way down to how many cents a day they need from you to stay in operation. However, with all that tracking, financial analysis and numerical self-felching they do, they have no clue how to end hunger. Otherwise it would have happened by now, or at least they would know the specific date it will. These self-serving missionary motherfuckers don't want hunger to end--they've made quite a comfortable living selling bullshit about ending it to actually end it. God forbid these noble pricks accomplish their stated goal and have to stop taking in money.
This is where I, a callous prick, come in. As someone who mocks hunger ending advertisements, tells bums to fuck off when they ask for money to buy a sandwich, knows how fractions work and uses the homeless for paintball target practice, I have the perspective and fortitude needed to actually end hunger in the world.
Its not about giving people a hand out. Or hand up. Or a handjob. Or whatever bumper sticker cliche you think is magically going to solve your problem through its hackneyed wit. Its about actually getting out there and doing something. And the best something we can do to end hunger is nothing. Hunger is only a problem because we call it a problem. In fact if you look at it right, it's a solution...to itself.
We need to turn that frown upside down and turn that empty, bloated stomach inside out. Try and win the game below to see what I mean. On each turn select 5 people who get to eat which in turn affects their health. You have 6 turns to increase the healthy percentage of the population.
History has shown that hunger and only hunger will end hunger. Despite what they say, six-figured CEO's of hunger programs don't want it to end. Do you really think people who say they are trying to end prostitution by decapitating hookers and gash-fucking their corpses really want to end prostitution? Of course not. They have a selfish vested interest in its continuation and so do those opportunistic hunger-ending fucks. That's why we must all band together to run those altruistic assholes out of business.
Think about the big picture--What happens when you send them that 29 cents a day? Oh sure little Bebok gets a staple of maize and rice and some dirty water that's been declared safe to drink. But then what? Little Bebok goes to school to learn shit he will never use in his barren wasteland of a community. He gets himself a hungry little girlfriend. They start holding each others hungry little hands. One day Bebok gets a hungry-hand job, then things get more serious with a hungry-blowjob and before you know it those 2 are hungry-fucking like starving rabbits every day. And these hunger programs are just passing out food, they aren't passing out rubbers and Depo shots, both of which would go a lot further to ending hunger than a hill of beans. In fact, most of these nut job hunger programs are religiously based and adamantly against birth control. So hungry Bebok has some hungry babies and the process has begun a new.
Job security. These humanitarian dickshafts aren't ending hunger; they are delaying it at best. More accurately, they are ensuring its continuation by helping create future generations to deal with.
That's why we must all band together to do our part by stopping these cocksuckers and their sham programs. None have helped thus far and none will help in the future. We need to quit all the cute, benign things we do for charity. Cancer walks and AIDS quilting and MS read-a-thons and battered women telethons and bake sales for causes that can't be helped by the money raised from bake sales.
Big fucking deal: Your fat ass walked 3 and 1/8 miles and someone bought 4 slices of your carrot cake. Guess what Grandma's cervix is still tumor infested, Magic Johnson still has AIDS and Farrah's still getting beat when dinner's cold. The same thing goes for hunger. You may be fooling your conscious, but you are not having any effect in the real world.
So do something by having others do nothing. Use the form below to create a letter to send to your least favorite hunger-ending program telling them to end hunger by ending their hunger ending campaigns.
Remember, hunger is something that affects us all so it's not just my mission, it is all of our missions to make this world a better place by ending hunger ending. Individually we don't stand a chance, but together, if we work selflessly as a team we may just put these horrible organizations behind us. And of course when hunger is ended using this approach, of teamwork and cooperation, I will try to remember to mention your support of my great plan in my Nobel Prize acceptance speech.