I Am A Genius
I have an absolutely irrational fear. Far more frightful than my fear of popular success.
Luckily this ultimate fear of mine has a zero chance of happening. It still keeps me up at night though. I am totally terrified, even speaking about it makes me cringe, that somehow, someway something I say or do [...]
Allocation Of My Shit By State For 2009
Like an Electoral College map on election night, this is just a projection. Of shit.
I still owe you one turd in 2009, but through complex statistical polling, I project that this year’s last turd will will be awarded to the state of Kansas. The map above reflects [...]
How many times have you been putting together a Christmas card, looking for a desktop image for work or for whatever reason needed an image of someone’s shit? You hop on Google images, get lucky and find the perfect crap pic. But then you realize that you are unable to use it because [...]
My yard has a year’s worth of dog feces
That’s why I love when the weather freezes
Picking up turds
Is for the birds
I just stomp frozen dog shit to pieces.
You ever Wikipedia surf? Just throw caution to the wind and start with one article on Wikipedia and just go where the links take you? Before you know it you’ve learned a little something about Mt. Kilimanjaro, oral sex, the Pythagorean thereom, ectopic pregnancies, Pete Rose, egg recipes, and the Legislature of Chile. [...]
Everyone dreams of somehow seeing their name in lights. Fuck that.
After 334 days, I finally get to see my name in shit. I didn’t think I was going to make it. Sure, sure I crapped a trapezoid, pooped an arrow, but I thought my name in turds was just a pipe dream. [...]
I think its been over 3 weeks since I brought this up, and since you’re not anywhere near being a fucking genius you probably need constant reminding so that you continue to retain this thought in that feeble brain of yours.
So here it is: I’m a fucking genius.
This instance of my geniusocitinessish [...]
My honorary MBA campaign was a huge fucking success. Oh wait, let me rephrase that. As us with MBA’s say—my ambitious pursuance of an exalted academic objective flourished beyond my initial eminent aspirations.
Hell fuck yeah.
First and penultimately, I got the 3rd ranked MBA school in the 2009 Us News and World Reports Business school rankings, [...]
2 weeks ago we made Blogger our bitch and brought her to her knees when everyone in the world registered for and got an account and just posted:
If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em;then drown the motherfuckers in their own piss.
Now we are attacking Twitter. Sign up for an account and just tweet:
If you [...]
After a long day of crying, cutting my arms, pushing down old ladies at the grocery store, setting out pools of anti-freeze at the dog park and just generally trying to console myself after finding out my ingenious idea of methodically hunting down and ritualistically killing every blogger on Blogger wouldn’t work to clean up [...]