Raising Ignorance About Awareness

You know what I could live a day without: Being made aware of shit I know about.

Autims exists? No fucking way. So does Cervical Cancer? And Alzheimer’s? You’ve got to be shitting me. Next thing you know you’ll be trying to convince me that non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, Asperger’s and child abuse all occur.

Overawareness Day

Holy shit, you don’t say?

Oh and I should be aware about motorcyclists, the environment, child car safety, controlling the pet population and teen drinking? This is really all too much for me to conceive of at once. Are you sure my awareness is needed? Isn’t there enough already. Or can’t I just outsource my awareness to some 7 year old kid in an awareness factory in Thailand?

What? Child labor, sweat shops and outsourcing are things I am to be aware of too? Jesus Fucking Christ.

Honestly, I I’m getting a little overly aware at this point. Somethings gotta give. I have finite awareness resources. There’s only so much surface area on my car for magnetic ribbons, a limited amount of wrist space for rubber bracelets, I don’t even wear lapels so I am going to have to find somewhere else to stick all these god damn pins and my mental awareness capacities are reaching saturation.

I really think you’re going to have to scale back on your ambitious awareness plans for me. We are going to have to prioritize my awareness resources. Maybe set a revolving awareness schedule.

Monday-Wednesday-Friday I can be aware of gang violence, lupus, Prostate screening, Gay-Lesbian-Transgendered issues, down syndrome and rabbits indigenous to Lithuania.

Tuesday and Thursdays would be for being aware of organically grown produce, Freeing Tibet, Microsoft Windows 7, elder abuse and properly disposing of used kitchen grease.

I could rotate Saturdays among being aware of racial and cultural diversity, endangered species, children with special needs, hang nails, turf toe, pink eye and homelessness.

The first and third Sundays of the month would be for awareness about hunter safety and rain forests respectively. Second Sundays would be open for any ad-hoc awareness issues that may come up. And maybe, just maybe I could use the fourth Sundays of every month to lay around the house stroking my boner and fingering my own asshole while I eat peanut butter straight from the jar and not giving a slimy fuck about anything.

I think that just may work. Wait a minute.

Fuck.

I totally forgot that breast Cancer exists like you wouldn’t fucking believe. Scrap everything; I’m only going to be aware of breast cancer 24/7 for the rest of my life. My awareness is the only thing standing between the eradication of this terrible disease and every tit in the world getting a tumor.

I’m so sorry sickle cell anemia.

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No offense, but if you ask me, all these jews, muslims, hindus, wiccans and satanists, just seem so unchristian.