• Home
• About
• Advertise
Current Mood: Shitty (sweet Jesus H. Fuck I am witty)

Socioshitology

In some cultures the shape, size and smell of ones crap determines the status of an individual within their society.

In some other societies you can make up random shit about shit and stupid fucks will not only believe it but probably recite it as fact to others.

Which society is truly more advanced?

It’s a rhetorical trick question.

Palette Pleasing Crap

Dogs’ senses of smell are estimated at about 1,000-10,000 times better than that of humans. It all depends on the dog, the human and what you define as a smell. Since we are the lesser species in this comparison, its really hard to specifically estimate how much better they are because we will never have a good idea how really good they are at it.

Oh we can dissect tons of dogs to see how they work, do some sick Nazi-like experiments on them, go to the pound and lobotomize a bunch of dogs and see how their brains react when we blow chili powder in their faces, but we will never be able to walk a mile in their sniffers. So in the end, trying to comprehend their sense of smell would be like trying to get your great grandmother to understand what HDTV is like when all she has ever owned was a 12-inch black and white console.

They are the experts. While we will never know how good they actually are, we do know they are far better than us.

Which is why I no longer get mad at my dog for eating his or other dogs’ shit. Now, when I am walking him, I just stop, let him savor those scrumptious turds and feel stupid for not knowing what makes that specific dogpile so much more delicious than the other 3 mounds of shit of 6 inches away that he passed over with barely a whiff.

His taste levels are far beyond mine, so he’s obviously the expert on taste so I defer to his judgment and let him eat whatever poop he wants. He’s tasting things 3 levels beyond what I can ever hope to comprehend. So I let him chow done.

And god love him, he’s usually right. At first I thought it was gross, but after I had a lick, I had to agree with him: his balls, other dogs’ assholes, regurgitated dog food and used feminine products taste great if your palette is refined enough.

For My Own Good

Of Thee I Poop

Wow, that’s some sweet ass shit. I am now an ‘S’ and an ‘N’ away from crapping my first name. And only and ‘E’ and 2 more ‘S’s from my last name.

Let that be a lesson to all you kids out there. When you put your mind to it, hunker down, work a little, offer your life and bowels up for god’s mercy and twist and convulse your asshole at just the right instance, you truly can accomplish anything.

Oh sure there were times when I just wanted to quickly pinch off a turd without first saying a prayer and doing a half-assed job of wiping after wards, but now all my hard work, faith in christ and Chipotle-rich diet is finally paying off.

A lot of people who accomplish great things, like I am on the verge of, shun the responsibility that goes with them. Not me, once I crap my whole name I am still going to be the same, down to earth, church-fearing role model for today’s youth that I have been since I lit my first fart.

Raising Awareness That You’re A Dumbshit

I decided to do something special with today’s turd. I wanted to give back to the community. To affect a positive change on society for once and not just crack poop jokes.

So today, I put wristbands around my turds to serve as a reminder and to bring awareness about a cause that is very near and dear to my heart. If I can show just one person the right way and guide them to the correct path this will be worth it. So that’s why I am doing this.

I just want to raise awareness of how much of a dumbfuck everyone of you looks wearing these fucking things. Guess what shitbag? Everyone knows tit cancer exists. Everyone knows that Lance Armstrong has one nut. Big fucking deal. Your goddamn bracelets aren’t doing a dead whores bit of good.

It’s a fucking conscious placebo at best, fuckface. A shitty piece of colored rubber you use to absolve yourself from all the real shit you aren’t doing to help the world.

You intellectually dishonest, do-nothing pieces of self-felching shit.

Pedophile ISO FBI Agent 4 LTR

I swear to christ sortamighty, if I read about another heroic FBI agent posing as a teenager seducing dirty old men into traveling across the country for sex, I am going to go on a sodomizing rampage of my own.

Its disgusting through and through. Every aspect about it, especially the meta-aspect, is just horrible. The ultimate horrible thing about this is us; we the people. And the apathy we have to it all. Let me back up and get the cursory disgust over with first.

First and secondmost, we are paying for this. Our taxes are going to pay the salary of some stick-up-his-ass G-man so that he can spend his days trying to get horny guys a hard-on they will act on. There’s not enough real, unprovoked crime in the world that we have to underwrite it by making our government manufacture it? In the immortal, wise words of Bernie Mack, ‘Nigger please’.

I swear to god, I think politicians and police chiefs get engorged, purple-headed, throbbing boners every time they get a chance to list another person as a sex offender. Its like some sick sex game foreplay of theirs that they stroke their gray haired, belly hidden cocks to. I genuinely believe they get off on creating sex offenders.

Its sort of like all the times my father saved my life when we were fishing, sans the purple-headed, throbbing boners, of course. There we were in a small boat, my line in the water wondering who the retard who invented fishing was. Then out of no where my dad pushes me over the side of the boat, reaches in after me a split second later, grabs my by the collar, yanks me back in the boat and tells me he just saved my life and I was welcome.

They are saving us from crime that wouldn’t exist if they didn’t need to manufacture crime to save us from. Fuck you.

The second horrible thing about this is the stupid fucks who fall for this. Now I am not getting on the typical high-horse about how raping little kids is wrong. I am talking about stupid fucks who keep falling for this ploy. They chat up some FBI agents then drive across country only to be arrested. Time and again this is happening. At what point will these stupid pedophiles learn and stop falling for this scam?

That’s why I am not sympathetic to them. Yes, they are being entrapped, but they keep falling for the same shit day in and day out. It’s just like all these fatfucks and magic diet pills, old ladies and magazine subscriptions and people who fall for Nigerian email scams. At some point you dumb motherfuckers deserve what you get no matter how wrong the people enticing you are.

And that brings us back to us. The most disgusting people in all of this is us. These are our laws, those is our tax dollars, those are our neighbors who are being entrapped, they are also our neighbors who want to have sex with 14 year old boys. All of this happening around us, all we have to do is point in a direction and be disgusted. Either get pissed at the police for entrapping people or get pissed at pedophiles for fucking kids.

But no, nothing. You people disgust me.

Well, back to bitching about the world, doing nothing about it and taking pictures of my shit.

Fat Pieces Of Shit

This is not news to anyone, but people are generally ignorant. Myself included. There is just too much in the world to be informed of. Like knowing about what words not to end sentences with.

That was pretty god damn good, but you probably missed it. Both times. And that’s fine.

The truly horrible people in the world aren’t just ignorant, they are ignorant of their ignorance and unable to decrease it. Which makes them stupid. Its ok to not know, but its not ok to not know you don’t know and not know how to know.

Like a retard who constantly burns his hand by sticking it in the fireplace. Hey, he’s retarded, you know what, maybe he doesn’t know fire’s hot. I’ll give him the first one.

Ok he did it again. Maybe he wasn’t paying attention the first time, I will let this one slide too.

But the third and fourth times he reaches in so that he can grab the flame and put it in his pocket—well that’s when he’s a lost cause and becomes entertainment. At that point you just have to laugh at him and encourage him to do it some more because its funny.

As I was trying to find advertisers to rip off by carrying their ads on this plog, I kept coming to weight loss scams. Here’s how I got there. I would google phrases related to a shit blog (‘diuretic’, ‘diarrhea’, ‘colon’, ‘enema’ etc.) that hopefully some company was advertising on. Then I would click on the right column—the sponsored links–because companies can pay to put their link return there when someone searches for specific terms.

No matter what term I used, I always kept getting a bunch of diet scams. Either it was an enema kit that would help you lose weight by flushing out your ass or a diarrhea inducing product that would stop you from digesting your food or it was a diet pill based on pseudo science.

Most people would be mad at the scams for being scams, not me. That’s shortsighted. Some might call the fatties, victims, but they aren’t—they’re idiots who deserved to be screwed over. The diet scams are essentially encouraging retards to burn themselves once again. Its not their fault the retards are incapable of learning and realizing there’s no easy way to lose weight. So there’s nothing wrong with them trying to make a buck off their retardation and refusal to learn.

Fat people who believe that miracle weight loss plans exist deserve to learn that they don’t the hard way.

Its amazing. 2009 and Fat fucks still believe and shell out good money to avoid a little discipline and work. Which is the only real solution to getting skinny. Of course you can tell them that, scientifically prove it and they still will look for that pill, procedure or enema kit that will be their panacea no matter how much evidence against it working exists.

At some point fraud no longer becomes fraud, it’s the dupes fault for falling for it. Take the Nigerian email scam. If anyone falls for it, they deserve to fall for it. Or any get-rich quick scheme. Or any product or service that that will help you lose weight.

It shouldn’t be wrong to scam idiots out of their money. I pay up to $2 for a bottle of sugar water–that’s a scam and I am the dupe. But, is it Coke’s fault for selling the shit at an inflated rate? No, they do it because they can.

Same with weight loss scams. Actually, in fact they are doing the world a public service by taking money from idiots who will only blow it on scams. Those people don’t deserve money and only encourage new scams.

Shitacular Blog Award

Clench your sphincters shut, slap on another rubber and think twice about raping that marmoset at the Austin Zoo. Thanks to today’s winner of the Porkjerky.com Random Time Interval Shitty Blog Award, I now know of another strain of a popular disease that’s going to kill us all.

It’s a disease that the mainstream media is afraid to tell you about. Today’s winning blog, though, isn’t. And for their great reporting and drive to bring awareness of this heinous disease to the world (well, up until their untimely and unexplained demise), I am granting The Texas AIDS Blog a shitty blog award.

Its not butt herpes, its not pancreatic Ebola, its not a new and improved plague or the flesh eating virus du jour, its Texas AIDS, the most debilitating kind of AIDS…I suppose. All I know is that prefixing anything with ‘Texas’ makes it 371 times shittier. Whether it be Toast, Two Stepping, Chain Saw Massacres or AIDS, everything is stepped up a notch on the shittiness scale by putting ‘Texas’ in front of it. Of course, I have no idea the details how it differs from Magic Johnson AIDS, but still, I don’t want none of it.

Name aside, there are a few other reasons The Texas AIDS Blog is a winner. For one, I think everyone at The Texas AIDS Blog died 2 years ago from Texas AIDS. That’s the only logical explanation I could come up with for why the most recent post was from January 2007. They sure as shit didn’t explain why they were stopping.

Secondlymost, it demonstrates the most typical type of shitty blog post—a post about how shitty their blogging system is. 3 out of their last 4 posts on the site were about their inability or frustration with they software they had. Riveting. Everyone and their infected uncle Larry love to hear about your inabilities to live in the modern age. Come for the Texas AIDS, stay for the exciting content about Carolyn’s trepidation in updating to the newest version of Blogger.

How many fucking blog posts exists devoted solely to peoples’ troubles with blogging? That question started out rhetorical, but now that I think about it, that’s a good god damn idea. Stay tuned.

In conclusion, while we all have heard about West Nile Virus, lesbianism and Stockholm Syndrome; now, thanks to today’s winner, we all have a new location-named disease to worry about getting: Texas AIDS.

Ode To Mr. Walton

Fat Chicks, Big Tits

There are three types of fat chicks with huge tits in this world.

You’ve got the boring, ‘I’m a fat chick with huge tits, big deal’ chicks, the ‘I’m a huge fat bitch but if I hide my gargantuan hooters behind a sports bra, a loose bloose, a huge sweater and then hunch over with a scowl no one will notice I am a huge fat chick’ chicks and lastly the ‘I’m a fat ugly whore but if I push my tits up to my lower lip with a Triple G wonderbra and show 2 meters of cleavage people won’t notice I’m a fat and ugly chick’ chicks.

By far, the big-busted girls who have come to grips with their big bustedness are the worst. No daddy issues. No, ‘everyone teased me from the age of 9 because of my gazoombas and I hate when guys look at my tits’. No getting mad because your eyes briefly paused at her huge tits. No getting mad because your eyes just briefly paused at her huge tits. None of any of that stuff that make the other two types of fat chicks with huge tits fun. Just a girl with big tits who’s pretty ok with them. She won’t get mad when you look at them, but she’s not putting them on display.

Today, I saw both of the fun kinds. First, on my way to lunch, I passed a lady with sweater cows the size of my ass and she was doing her damnedest to hide them. She was walking behind her friends, hunching forward a little and had her left arm stretching across her chest to grab the right side of her unnecessary sweater to keep it unnecessarily closed across her chest. Beneath that she had on a loose blouse that did a pretty ok job of concealing the huge mounds on her chest. And they were huge. Not the stick out a mile from her body huge, the basketball smashed in a vise huge. She had on some sort of bra that pushed them not up, but in.

The best part was we made eye contact. From that I knew she knew I knew her secret and she quickly drew that sweater across her chest a little more, shortened the distance between her and her friends and hunched forward a little more in the hopes that I wouldn’t realize the reason why her tits were so huge was because she was so fat.

Good luck with that, Tubby.

On my way back from lunch I saw the girl who’s big tits are her life. Ugly as fuck, fat to match and didn’t give a shit. Her tits rounded the corner 2 minutes before the rest of her made it. She wasn’t as modest as big tittied fatty #1. She wore some sort of bustier that barely covered her nipples and pushed her tits up past her neck.

That bustier wasn’t her undergarment, it was her garment.

Technically, since they were helping to hide her double and triple chins she too was hiding her fatness, but that was just a byproduct of her misguided pride in her tits. She’s they type girl who if you were looking directly in the eyes while talking to her, she would stop you mid-sentence and remind you that her tits are down there.

And stare I did. I have a policy: no matter how fat, ugly, unattractive, psycho or masectomied you are, when you dress like a hoochie I stare and stare hard. Its the least I can do. When a girl goes through all the trouble to tramp herself up and go out into public to put herself on display I do the polite thing and oblige her.

Tune in next time when I enumerate the types of non-fat, big tittied chicks in this world. My favorite is the ‘La la la la, I don’t have big tits la la la I don’t have big tits, La la la I can’t hear you’ chick.