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Dear Delilah, Your Show Sucks
Don't Get Fat In The First Place Fuckhead|
The Porkjerky.com Weight Loss Program
Hello, my name is Jason Curless and I would like to tell you about how the Porkjerky.com Weight Loss Program has worked for me. Now, I am not proud of this, but look at the picture on the left at the top of this page. That was me less than 2 years ago, before the Porkjerky.com Weight Loss Program. Boy, I was more than a couple pounds over 140.
Today, though, as you can see on the right, and thanks to the Porkjerky.com Weight Loss Program, I am around 140 pounds. Amazing, but true. And I credit it all to the ingenius and cutting edge diet idea of not getting fat in the first place, fuckhead.
I know it's too complicated for some and implausible for others, but for me, it works. Because of this revolutionary diet idea, I never ballooned up to a 550 pound tub of blubbering, bedridden shit which would have required me to lose 407 pounds to get to the weight that I am today. Instead of going through that agonizing and retardedly gluttonous odyssey, I chose to avoid the ordeal all together.
Slideshow Of My Story|
Don't Get Fat In The First Place Fuckhead
September 4, 2001--That's the day I don't remember in particular, because that's not the day I hit my highest weight and lowest emotionally. In the slideshow above is a picture of the wall in my house that the firefighters didn't have to cut through when I wasn't extracted from my home to be taken to the hospital. Also on that day I didn't slip into a coma from the diabetes I don't have, nor was I treated for the coronary disease that was brought on by my amorbid obesity. I also clearly don't recall sobbing as they mushed my overflowing rolls onto the cattle scales they didn't have to use to weigh me because I wasn't so huge.
I wouldn't be lying if I told you that it definetly wasn't the most embarassing and eye opening day of my life. They say its always darkest before dawn, and that moment that didn't happen was definetly not my darkest. So, it wasn't right then and there on those cattle scales that I didn't vow to lose all the weight that my slothless and gluttony free lifestyle had not given me. And I never did not look back.
Enter your height and weight, then click the button to see if The Porkjerky.com Weight Loss Program is for you.
Now, I know this runs counter to your patriotic vision of a good American, but I did it all without surgery or pills. Naysayers will probably use that as a way to dismiss the Porkjerky.com Weight Loss Plan as a "fad diet" based on "junk science" and say all other sorts of derogatory things that require "quotation marks". Others will point to the fact that I don't even have a single celebrity endorsement to prove my plan's validity. They will tell you to be leery of any weight loss plan that doesn't require you pay membership fees, buy books, purchase packaged foods or somehow put money in someone's pocket.
But let me tell you firsthand that despite the lack of wild claims, money-back gurantees, signs stuck to telephone poles, high up-front fees, FDA injunctions and class-action lawsuits against it; The Porkjerky.com Weight Loss Program is effective. Sure, it won't get you on a daytime T.V. talk show with a menopausal audience applauding your accomplishments--or more accurately--applauding you correcting your own god damn mistakes. But this plan will keep you from being stared at, mocked and asked 'how do you even wipe your ass or just take a shit for that matter?'
Every mainstream weight loss program would like you to think they are comprised of just two steps:
Step 1: Lose The Weight|
Step 2: Keep The Weight Off
Unfortunately, they explicitly omit the integral initial step to their weight program. It's a heinous step and one that Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Richard Simmons and Krispy Kreme don't want you to know about. I call it Step 0.
Step 0: Become A Lardfuck
That's right. Every commercial weight loss program out there actually needs you to get fat in the first place. They often won't and certainly don't like to acknowledge it, but for their programs to be succesful and applicable, you must first become a fat ass. Then they have you hooked as a human cow and primed as a cash cow. You have no choice but to pay them whatever they demand for whatever they feel like saying its for: registration fees, program food, consultation fees, membership dues, books, group fees, etc. Most of these costs are ongoing, you pay them as long as you are on their program. And just like psychologists, MDA telethons, crack and The War On ______ (insert current buzzwar here), they are all money sucking programs that have no real end.
So, with my genius level logical ability I vowed to shorten, simplify and cheapen the status quo weight loss program. After months of differential equations, intensive library research, computer simulations, experimenting on children, and watching fat chick pornos I came upon a radical idea that was just crazy enough to work.
|Step 0: Become A Lardfuck Step 1: Lose The Weight
Step 2: Keep The Weight Off
Through complex mathematical analysis I was able to deduce that eliminating Step 0 (Become A Lardfuck), would virtually cancel out the need for Step 1 (Lose The Weight); thus leaving Step 2 (Keep The Weight Off) as the only step in this revolutionary new weight loss program. And so, Don't Get Fat In The First Place Fuckhead was born.
But Jason, I'm already a fat dumbfuck/dumb fatfuck, what can I do?
Well, you can continue to just sit there at your computer listening to Steve Miller Band, with your belly hoisted on your desk in an effort to find your genitalia so you can whack off to lesbian moose porn, or you can exercise. Or, get this: Do both.
That's right. Above is the only (at least from what my 45 second google search turned up) web workout tool. It lets you surf the web and work out at the same time. It comes in 2 intensity levels, counts the calories as you burn them, has a built in personal motivator and updates you on the pounds you shed. Select your level below and then start your workout.