porkjerky plog
Eureka
As I was crapping today, racking my brain as to what I was going to write, inspiration about inspiration struck.
When it comes to inspiration, sunsets on tropical islands and newborn babies have nothing on staring at the linoleum while pounding out last night’s dinner.
How many revolutionary ideas have been first conceived while pooping? That’s where Doc Brown first envisioned the flux capacitor. And since it doesn’t make the best story, I am sure there are tons of non-fictional inventions that were first envisioned while someone crapped as well.
Hell, its even were not so revolutionary ideas and decisions are made. What college to go to, whether to divorce a fat spouse, quit a job, rob a bank and what to have for dinner have all been shaped by thoughts that were inspired while people crapped.
Possibly your father pondered whether to marry your mother while he dropped a deuce. I guarantee you someone’s father first decided to ask a woman for her hand in marriage while his was wiping his asshole. You won’t hear that story at a 50th wedding anniversary, but I am pretty sure it has occured.
Now, suppose we didn’t need to shit, would the human race be as advanced as it is today, without all that time we spent just thinking? I don’t know the answer. But its something to think about the next time you have to take a crap.
A Winter Cleaning Ditty
My yard has a year’s worth of dog feces
That’s why I love when the weather freezes
Picking up turds
Is for the birds
I just stomp frozen dog shit to pieces.
Retardly Awesome
I love, absolutely love the BCS system and will stick you, your fat wife and your children with a prison shank if you even think of saying something remotely derogatory about it.
Like most things I love, its because its so horrible. Those pro-life nuts may be crazy fucks, but they are right, abortion is murder. Which is why I love it. It’s a self-fulfilling act: Anyone who wants to murder their child, shouldn’t have a child and thus should be able to murder their child. It takes care of itself
Same thing with blogs. They are so horrible they are awesome. I don’t want them to end. I love reading about retarded single moms, people in the process of divorce, porn stars who literally choked on too many cocks and all the other shit I would never know about.
The more stupid something is, the more illogical, the more retarded, the more I love it. I swear to Christ I hate retards, but I guarantee you I could spend a whole weekend pissing my self as a spectator at the Special Olympics. I watch the WNBA and anything with the phrase ‘Real World’ in it for the same wrong reasons.
That is why NCAA Division 1 College Football is awesome. It’s like the exact opposite of figure skating. Figure skating is almost purely a subjective competition. It has essentially a well structured rating system to help make it objective and thus determine a winner. Sure, if some bitch crashes face first into a face off circle its an automatic deduction of a specific amount of points. But if neither she nor anyone else does, how can anyone tell the winner? No skater can hit a walk off homerun; no skater can make a buzzer beater shot, no skater truly knows at the end of their performance how they fared. They have to wait to be subjectively judged.
Individual games of football on the other hand, have the most objective scoring system: Take the ball into the end zone—6 points for a touchdown, kick it through the uprights, 3 points for a field goal, tackle the opposing team with the ball in their endzone, safety 2 points. Nobody’s getting deductions for getting sacked, or incomplete passes or fumbles. No one is judging style or metting out points for creativity. There is no compulsorily plays each team has to run. No East German judge (fuck I’m old) is screwing up the score.
Football’s scoring system is well defined and scoring acts are easily identified.
That’s on an individual game level though. On a national championship level though, it’s a figure skating competition. These stupid NCAA Division 1 fuck took an inherently objective sport and turned into a subjective competition. You’ve got coaches and journalists and computers deciding something that could easily be determined through the games themselves. But no, its not done that way.
That’s awesome in my book and I never want the BCS to end. It’s so stupidly beautiful.
The Ouchy Pooper 3000
A couple days ago I became mystified at why Kohler would have about 150 different flavors of commodes. Obviously our collective shitting needs are so diverse, our crapping styles so distinguishable, our pooping so profitable that toilet companies are able to target their wares to each of us so specifically that they needed to offer over 150 crappers for us to chose from.
God bless capitalism.
Don’t wipe yourself off yet, it gets worse. Home Depot lists 798 different types of commodes for sale on its site.
798.
You could crap on a different style of commode everyday from now until March 2011 and not drop a dook in the same type of toilet more than once. Of course, by then I am sure there will be at least 60 new models out. With the way toilet companies shit out commodes, 27 months in the toilet industry is a generation.
Its entertainingly ridiculous how many crappers there are. Suppose you have your heart set on a two-piece, solid colored, 1.6 gallons per flush, gravity fed toilet, standing 15 inches off the floor with a rough in size of 12 inches, priced between $200 and $400 and has an elongated shape. 1. You’re beyond OCD. 2. At Home Depot your toilet criteria are still way too vague. There are over 20 two-piece, solid colored, 1.6 gallon, gravity fed, 15 inch toilets models with a rough in size of 12 inches that cost between $200 and $400 with an elongated shape.
You’re going to have to be a little more specific about what you’re looking for.
To the untrained eye an American Standard Champion4 Right Height, Elongated Complete Toilet-To-Go might look like a Kohler Cimarron Comfort Height Elongated 1.28 GPF Toilet with Class Six Technology. But if you think they are the same toilet you’re a fucking idiot and might as well just be crapping in your own hands and throwing it out the window.
Fucking idiot.
The best part though is the term ‘Comfort Height’ is a registered trademark of Kohler. Don’t even think of describing your non-Kohler shitter as ‘Comfort Height’, its illegal. Some marketing fuck was so proud of putting those 2 words together to describe a Kohler crapper that they actually filed a trademark so no other toilet company could use it.
Not to be out done, American Standard jumped on ‘Right Height’, cockblocking any other toilet company from ever using that term to describe their crappers. Luckily though, if you want to become a player in the porcelain pooper market, I checked the Trademark Office and ‘Awkward Crapper’, ‘Ouchy Pooper’, ‘Unergonomicommode’, ‘Squat-n-Pain 3000’, and ‘Captain McHurty’s Tribulation Toilet’ are all available. Better act fast though.
So many unnecessary toilets. So many unnecessary lawyers. Who would have thought getting into the toilet business would turn into such a pissing match.
6 Degrees Of Smoke Up Your Ass
You ever Wikipedia surf? Just throw caution to the wind and start with one article on Wikipedia and just go where the links take you? Before you know it you’ve learned a little something about Mt. Kilimanjaro, oral sex, the Pythagorean thereom, ectopic pregnancies, Pete Rose, egg recipes, and the Legislature of Chile. Possibly, in that order.
Wikipedia surfing should be a mandatory class in school. Make kids spend at least 1 hour a day browsing their way through Wikipedia. No directions. No tests. No boring lecture. No idiot teachers. Just 60 minutes to kill and Wikipedia.
You will always find answers to questions you always never needed to know. For example, I wanted to find out about the new Super Mario Brothers Game for the Wii, and learned about how second hand smoke was used to save lives.
- I wikipediaed New Super Mario Brothers and got directed to the DS version.
- So I clicked on the List of Mario Games By Year link on that page.
- I saw Punch-Out on the list and decided I wanted to read that article.
- The main character was named after the McDonald’s sandwich Big Mac so I went there.
- Then onto the entry for Ray Kroc.
- With a quick layover on the San Diego Padres page.
- I just had to read about the San Diego Sports Curse.
- Part of that curse was the death of Eric Show who died after taking a…
- Speedball? What the hell is that exactly, I always hear about it, but what is it?
- How do you insufflate something?
- Awww, its fancy talk for inhaling smoke. Which you can do with your ass via a Tobacco Smoke Enema.
I’m not blowing smoke up your ass. Unless of course you’re a drowning victim in the 19th century, then I might be. Click the link it goes to Wikipedia. Tobacco smoke enemas were an actual medical practice used to revive drowning patients. A tube was shoved up their ass and then literal smoke blown up it. The warmth and introduction of air into the intestinal system was thought to be key to reviving a drowning victim.
Tell me Wikipedia 101 wouldn’t be a glowing success.
You Throw And Blog Like A Girl
Now, I’m not here to pass judgement on anyone, but jesus fucking christ almighty there are a lot of fucking idiots who should die painful deaths out there.
Its December 2009, the regular season for baseball ended in early October. The World Series ended about a month ago. All the awards have been given out for the 2009 season. I, like any normal person, stopped caring about baseball a little over 223 months ago. Let it fucking die for a while, please.
No can do. There borderline obsessive compulsive, girlfriendless losers out there with blogs who just can’t get enough. Did I mention borderline obsessive compulsive? Yeah, that’s what made The Baseball Opinion Blog stand out and win this Wheneverly Given Porkjerky.com Shitty Blog Award. Kudos boring psycho.
Today alone, there are 2 posts about baseball. December 2, 2009. I checked mlb.com and there are no games scheduled for today, the rest of the week, month nor year. Yet, 2 blogworthy events occurred today in the baseball world according to that shitty blog.
Its amazing how we can entertain ourselves with the mundane. And baseball is the king of mundane. Remember when sports were meant to be played? I barely do. Granted, baseball was as boring as watching retarded flies fucking on drying paint, but at least there was some semblance of action there.
These fat motherfuckers today get hard-ons for administrative information: Somebody’s getting paid this much. Somebody’s going to this team. This team will get to pick first in a draft and here’s what they should do. The general manager—head of team administration—might leave the team. Blah blah boring blah.
Its one thing to actually pay attention to this bullshit, but to actually sit down daily, sometimes multiple times per day, and write about it is another. The god damn sport isn’t even in season and this blog has had 5 posts in the last week. You’re as big a figurative loser as you are physically.
The Baseball Opinion Blog, a baseball blog that’s being updated multiple times per day in December. Congratulations, you win a Porkjerky.com Randomly Given Shitty Blog Award. However, at life, you lose.
Look Ma I Made It
Everyone dreams of somehow seeing their name in lights. Fuck that.
After 334 days, I finally get to see my name in shit. I didn’t think I was going to make it. Sure, sure I crapped a trapezoid, pooped an arrow, but I thought my name in turds was just a pipe dream.
Something only rich white people got to enjoy. Well, me being rich and white, that still may be true. But the point is; I finally did it.
After months of trying, I finally shit out that all elusive ‘S’. It had to be just the right consistency. Not too thick or it wouldn’t curl for me. Too thin and it wouldn’t even make it out my ass in one piece. And it had to be the right length. Too short and I’m stuck with yet another ‘J’. Too long and it turns into some weird mathematical symbol. Also, it had to either be the last turd out of my ass or dodge all the other poop that fell from me as it floated in my toilet as to not get hit and break in two.
It was like a soufflé or a threesome with your ex and her hot friend or an A-Team plan: Everything had to come together.
Finally after 11 months of busting my anus trying; it did. I crapped my name. Of course, I still would like to make some money on this site. If only I could crap a virgin mary or baby jesus, then I’d be rolling in it. Money, not poop.
Ok, maybe a little of both.
A shitters
More Toilets Than You Can Shake Your Ass At
3 tops right? Maybe 5. Well, there’s California and they probably have some hippie faggot rules to limit how much water they can use, so 7. That’s seems right. Then just for a margin of error, lets multiply that by 1.5 and round up. So 11.
At most, in the United States I am guessing there are 11 different models of commodes for us to buy. Doesn’t seem reasonable, 3 seems reasonable, but 11 seems probable.
A shitters is a shitter is a shitter right?
No. No. No. No.
You think when Applebees wants to open a new restaurant it looks at a map and goes—’Well there’s a Chili’s 4 blocks south, a Ruby Tuesday’s within 2 miles, they are currently building a TGI Friday’s catty-corner to the location we are looking at, and since, well we are all the same god damn restaurant anyway, we should probably scout out a different location.’?
Hell no. They build that cocksucker because it’s their civic duty to give people yet another option as to where they eat crappy wings and drink shitty beer. Somehow, in their mind and marketing plans, they are going to do it significantly better and people will clamor specifically for their crappy wings and shitty beer, despite the actual indistinguishability between them and everyone else.
Capitalism at its finest.
Turns out the commode industry is the same way. Tons of choices in a market that no one really gives a shit about. How many people do you know who poor over crapper catalogs trying to compare models to find out the best one for them? How many people search Consumer Reports to find the best shitter on the market? Are there tons of people who can’t wait for October of every year so they can see what the next year’s commode models are going to be?
Yet somehow there are still a shit-ton of choices in the crapper department.
The Kohler website lists 113 different types of toilets. And that’s just the white ones. There’s 35 others in varying shades. 148 different fucking toilets available from just 1 manufacturer. In second place is American Standard which lists 109 different types of commodes. That’s over 250 toilets between them.
Really?
That means at some point, when Kohler was sitting on 147 commodes and American Standard was at 108, executives looked over their offerings, then each other and went ’You know, it’s just not complete. Sure 147/108 toilets is a lot, but is it enough? I really think we need to offer one more type of toilet. Its what the people want. ‘
Somewhere, somehow that conversation had to have taken place. Worse yet, someone agreed with them.
The Secret Of My Excitebike Success
By my calculations, which are gospel by the way, people have been shitting for roughly 500,000 million years. That’s more than enough time to get good at something. In 1986 I played Excitebike for like 4 hours a day for 6 months. FYI, I got pretty fucking good. There wasn’t a trick or track I couldn’t handle. High scores, fastest course times, even the seldom seen mythical Golden Bike—I did it all. I logged so many hours on that god damn game that I could and did literally race the first few tracks with my eyes closed.
My point is, you would think that after, oh I don’t know, the first 5 millennia of shitting we would have perfected it right? A billion evolved monkeys throwing shit on the ground—something’s gotta stick right? At some point we would just close the book on it and go ‘Got the shitting thing mastered, lets move on to the wheel, making fire, ensuring a safe water supply and a written communication system.’
No, you couldn’t be more wrong. Hell, to this day we are continually fucking with the way we shit. As you read, some engineer or inventor hobbyist is working on tomorrow’s toilet.
And I’m not talking the pussied-down old Nintendo console Excitbike. I’m talking full on fucking arcade version, like real men play. A quarter a pop. Seriously, I was fucking good.
According to wikipidea, the flush toilet was around before Christ. I’m certain it wasn’t made by Kohler nor did it have an automatic sensor so it knew when to flush itself. However, 497,966 years after shitting was invented mankind was using the basic apparatus that people today would recognize and know how to operate.
Over the last 2,034 years though, we just couldn’t leave well enough alone. Throughout history some guy always went, ‘Hey, I think I can improve upon the device that we use to rid our homes of our feces. Sure it works like a charm for what we need it to do, but god damn, this sounds like a fun project to devote a lot of time and energy to‘.
There’s S-traps, J-traps, P-traps and U-traps. There’s jet-flush, flushometer and flush-out siphons. Years have been spent working on seals, grommets and casings. Millions have been invested in creating specific porcelain recipes, ingredients and curing methods.
Right now someone is working on some part of the toilet that will change the face of shitting in 10 years. Many times this year retirement parties were had for people who had devoted decades of their lives to improving toilets for the world to use. Children, who haven’t even been born yet, will grow up and improve on the shitting apparatus they have yet to be introduced to. For centuries to come, if history is any teacher, we as a species will still be fiddling with how we shit.
I can’t decide if all that’s scary, sad or amazing.
This Is Not A Test
Wake the fuck up. There’s cheap worthless shit you need to buy. Wake the fuck up. Jesus Christ are you a communist? Why do you hate America? Don’t let the terrorist continue to win, get out there and rationalize buying shit you don’t need by its price compared to what it was and will be.
Save that pussy, lactose-intolerance bullshit for someone else. You need to get out there and buy that god damn ice cream maker that’s on sale. Why? Because its on fucking sale. Are you deaf?
Jesus Christ, you process information as well as you do lactose. I can’t believe you’re still here.
As you read this there are stores opening up and selling rightly priced crap that you and/or a loved one needs, absolutely needs, because of its price. Fuck me. Get your fat ass away from the computer and down to a retail shop a.s.a.p. already.
BOOM–Now there’s one less Guitar Hero 5 for PlayStation 3 for you to get. I hope your happy. Why do you hate the baby Jesus so much?
What? You don’t have a PlayStation 3 so buying Guitar Hero 5 for it would be a pointless? Oh you naive idiot. You’re actually proving my point with your bullshit excuses. Listen, we don’t have the time for me to show you why you not owning a PlayStation 3 is even more reason you need to rush out and buy Guitar Hero 5 for it. Just please, trust me, get out there and get it. You will thank me.
The day’s not lost, let’s just take a second to collect ourselves. I didn’t mean to raise my voice. I might have said somethings I shouldn’t have. Used a couple curse words because my emotions got the best of me. But that just demonstrates how important this is. Let’s both just take a step back, gather our thoughts, not let emotions stand in the way of reason. And discuss this logically.
Inhale.
And exhale.
Inhale. And exhale.
Ok, good, let’s start anew.
Without either of us getting worked up over it, let’s both acknowledge that there are stores out there opening right now and selling out of the shit you specifically don’t know you need yet. And now you’ll never know how much you don’t need it, because your sleepy ass is still at home browsing the internet. God fucking damn it listen to reason you stupid fucking idiot fuck. Get out there. You’re only hurting yourself by not getting three $12.95 Fry Daddies.
Really? You’re just going to sit there? I sincerely think your making a big mistake. In four years, when everyone’s holding a garage sale, impressing the shit out of their neighbors with the shit they bought today and no longer need, you are really going to look back to this morning and regret your decision.
Honestly, at this point, I’m not mad at you. Just disappointed.
