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Current Mood: Shitty (sweet Jesus H. Fuck I am witty)

The Ouchy Pooper 3000

A couple days ago I became mystified at why Kohler would have about 150 different flavors of commodes. Obviously our collective shitting needs are so diverse, our crapping styles so distinguishable, our pooping so profitable that toilet companies are able to target their wares to each of us so specifically that they needed to offer over 150 crappers for us to chose from.

God bless capitalism.

Don’t wipe yourself off yet, it gets worse. Home Depot lists 798 different types of commodes for sale on its site.

798.

You could crap on a different style of commode everyday from now until March 2011 and not drop a dook in the same type of toilet more than once. Of course, by then I am sure there will be at least 60 new models out. With the way toilet companies shit out commodes, 27 months in the toilet industry is a generation.

Its entertainingly ridiculous how many crappers there are. Suppose you have your heart set on a two-piece, solid colored, 1.6 gallons per flush, gravity fed toilet, standing 15 inches off the floor with a rough in size of 12 inches, priced between $200 and $400 and has an elongated shape. 1. You’re beyond OCD. 2. At Home Depot your toilet criteria are still way too vague. There are over 20 two-piece, solid colored, 1.6 gallon, gravity fed, 15 inch toilets models with a rough in size of 12 inches that cost between $200 and $400 with an elongated shape.

You’re going to have to be a little more specific about what you’re looking for.

To the untrained eye an American Standard Champion4 Right Height, Elongated Complete Toilet-To-Go might look like a Kohler Cimarron Comfort Height Elongated 1.28 GPF Toilet with Class Six Technology. But if you think they are the same toilet you’re a fucking idiot and might as well just be crapping in your own hands and throwing it out the window.

Fucking idiot.

The best part though is the term ‘Comfort Height’ is a registered trademark of Kohler. Don’t even think of describing your non-Kohler shitter as ‘Comfort Height’, its illegal. Some marketing fuck was so proud of putting those 2 words together to describe a Kohler crapper that they actually filed a trademark so no other toilet company could use it.

Not to be out done, American Standard jumped on ‘Right Height’, cockblocking any other toilet company from ever using that term to describe their crappers. Luckily though, if you want to become a player in the porcelain pooper market, I checked the Trademark Office and ‘Awkward Crapper’, ‘Ouchy Pooper’, ‘Unergonomicommode’, ‘Squat-n-Pain 3000’, and ‘Captain McHurty’s Tribulation Toilet’ are all available. Better act fast though.

So many unnecessary toilets. So many unnecessary lawyers. Who would have thought getting into the toilet business would turn into such a pissing match.

No one gives a fourth of a cum covered turd what you think, but please don't let that stop you from spreading your insightful wit to the world by commenting below. Or fuck, you're such a pussy-eating faggot you're probably interested in the rss feed of this shitty site. Oy vey.