Douchebag Insurance

One of my absolute fears in life is not burning enough bridges.

Being polite, holding back and not telling people to suck my dick. Figuratively that is, when I tell people to suck my dick it’s a lot more eloquent, personalized, insightful and mean than those 3 words. I cringe everytime I miss an opportunity to.

My Insurance From Me Becoming A Douchebag

Fuck caution, I say you should always err on the side of wishing gang rape upon someone and their children and praying for them to all contract AIDS because of it. Discretion doesn’t mean always refraining from calling stupid pieces of shit ‘stupid pieces of shit. Discretion means knowing when too.

I swear to fuck I would absolutely hate to turn 50, say to myself ‘You know, I really think I could make a difference if I ran for some sort of elected office’. No matter how true it was. Just shoot me in the face now if you can see the future and know that’s mine. And be sure to call an ambulance because people like that shouldn’t die, but live in constant pain as a reminder and punishment of who they are.

While I trust myself not to run for office now, I want to be 100% sure it doesn’t happen in the future. Kinda of like how people always find Jesus on their deathbed or in prison. So, to prevent myself from ever becoming that guy, I need to burn a few bridges, take some pictures of roadside memorials, photograph a year’s worth of my shit, unregister people to vote and send letters off to pretentious, piece of shit schools.

Take that future me. May I and my children be gang raped and get AIDS because of it.

No one gives a fourth of a cum covered turd what you think, but please don't let that stop you from spreading your insightful wit to the world by commenting below. Or fuck, you're such a pussy-eating faggot you're probably interested in the rss feed of this shitty site. Oy vey.


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I'm a pioneer in the field of being an asshole: To this day I am the only person to break off an engagement via the JumboTron at a sporting event.