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As A Dumbass, It's Your Civic Duty|
Fuck The Vote 2017
Perhaps you thought jury duty would be fun. Maybe you were drunk and accidentally filled in an extra section when getting your driver's license. Possibly you went to the wrong government office when registering as a sex offender. Or, god forbid, you were trying to win a trip to meet Carson Daily on TRL. (That's a true fucking story--MTV is entering people who register to vote into a drawing to win prizes, including a trip to TRL. Somewhere, somehow, communism is rolling over in its grave, jacking off and laughing.)
Whatever the case may have been, let's face it, you took Sheryl Crow's misguided advice and registered to vote. Unfortunately, if your like most americans, you're so shit-ignorant you shouldn't have. Hey, its not your fault There's no test. Literally, any retarded, and I do mean retarded (Swear to god, I have a retarded cousin who votes. Again, communism--rolling over--jacking off), 18-year old citizen has a say in our government. It's unfunny because its true.
Luckily, you have some options in rectifying your suffrage situation. After we have a good laugh at the most implausible option of you taking Master P's recommendation and become informed of the world around you, let's explore the others. Now, before you rush out to commit a felony, be aware that it's not the sure-fire way to remove yourself from the voter rolls that most people think it is. Some states automatically restore voting rights after a sentence is complete, others only revoke voting rights for violent felonies.
So, this means that, depending on your state's voting laws, your vote counts as much as a pedophilic, homocidal arsonist. Of course if that pedophilic, homocidal arsonist actual reads the newspaper and stays current on issues and candidates, then that might be a good thing. Consult the graph belowe for more comparisions of how your voting power stacks up to others.
A lot of sell-out bands, soft drink producers, radio stations and T.V. channels want you to think that you should vote, no matter how unqualified you are to do so. Rock The Vote and its corporate sponsors (yeah, that shouldn't make you feel like a marketing pawn at all) want to convince you that just by casting a vote, no matter how ill-informed, it somehow helps the process.
Well let me knock that turd of an idea out of your shit for brains. As demonstrated by the success of the Pasta Pro Cooker, talk radio, and the lottery; you're not the only dumb as tits citizen in this great country of ours. You're but a squirt of piss in the urinal of dumbfucks who are registered voters. Therefore, your ignorant vote will surely be cancelled out by someone who is equally uninformed. You flip a coin and thoughtlessly vote republican , someone else's coin comes up and tells them to blindly vote democrat. It's all gonna be for naught. So the right thing to do, despite what Everclear and R.E.M. tell you, is to step your ignorant ass aside and let people in the know decide how the place should be run.
Further, one vote (yours, mine, Coolio's, or a pedophilic, homocidal arsonist's) will never make the difference in an election. Why? Because the process of counting the votes of an election is just as imperfect as the people who run and vote in them. It's called a margin of error.
Given a certain number of votes, the process of counting them will yield a result that is imperfect to a certain perecentage. Think of the last time your life revolved around an EPT test. After receiving the results you still weren't convinced--either you were still scared shitless that it might be wrong or you got on your knees and prayed to god that it was wrong. And you know what? There was a chance that it was. Home pregnancy tests are 97% accurate. Which is nice, but means that for every 100 tests taken, 3 will give a wrong result.
Same principle applies in elections. In fact, when the vote is very close (within the margin of error) a recount of the votes is mandated by law. The election system itself knows its imperfect so it has developed procedures to try and minimize and correct its inevitable fuck ups. But guess what? A recount is never the exact same as the initial count--which means at least one of the counts, if not both, is not 100% accurate down to the last vote. So, contrary to what LL Cool J tells you, your one piece of shit vote will never make a difference--no matter how close the race seems.
Moreover, the people you are voting for couldn't give an ounce of diarhea about you or anyone with just one measly vote. They go after what they think is the largest group of likely voters. And guess who that is? No, it's not strung out, has been pop stars who do public service announcements for voting. Its the herd who have the most to gain from government and time to dedicate bitching about it--old people. Have you ever talked to old people? They're stupid, easily scared, and most annoyingly, feel entitled.
Old people bitch. They moan. They don't understand anything but a check coming to them at the beginning of the month. And above all, they are easily scared into believing that all they have will be taken from them unless they turn out in droves to vote. They are the ones responsible for the Nigerian email and Publisher's Clearing House scams being so succesful. Old people actually believe that they can make millions by sending money to some deposed African government minister or by subscribing to overpriced magazines. Likewise, they believe any politician that says things might change unless they are elected. That's why politicians spend so much time on shit that only people over 60 care about.
"I fought those slant-eyed, kraut, sandnigger, commie bastards in who knows what year and I will be god damned if the government doesn't give me free shit and tell me how important I am to this country."
----Every Old Person Ever
Even if The Foo Fighters were right and one vote actually did mater, it wouldn't matter. Have you even seen a ballot? It's not like you're even allowed to vote on anything important. It's either Douchebag Candidate A vs. Douchebag Candidate B or a fucking tax increase that's worded to not sound like a fucking tax increase (Don't be a dumbfuck: bonds, use fees, permit fees, and every other semantic equivaliant that results in the government getting money, is a tax).
That's all they ever let the populus vote on. Did you vote to elect the Attorney General? Was it the spring or fall election that we all voted to send our military to wherever it is that they are currently dying? And what about abortion and the Emancipation Proclamation? When did we or when do we get to vote on those? Queen Latifah's full of shit.
We vote on nothing. They lied to you in school, America is not a representative democracy. At best its an indirect psuedo-representative douchebagocracy. We are represented by self-serving government officials, who may or may not be, the people we chose to speak for us.
No Doubt can shovel all the propaganda they want, but our system isn't going to change anytime soon. Locally, statewide and nationally, our votes; when we actually do get to vote on shit, are worthless. One vote hasn't ever and one vote will never make a difference in our system. So, if you really want to make your voice heard, don't listen to what Mary J Blige tells you, instead you should Fuck The Vote.
Voter Unregistration Form*|
Fuck The System. Fuck Dave Mathews. And Fuck The Vote. Use the above form to contact the government official in charge of elections in your state to unregister to vote.
It let's them know that you're not buying their bullshit. Old white guy #1 looks just the same as old white guy #2. They use the same words. They wear the same clothes. Your vote doesn't really matter to the system. It doesn't really matter to the individual candidates or issues. And it shouldn't matter to you. Fill in the form above to craft a letter to your state's election official and tell them you're through. From there you can print it, download it or immediately e-mail to the beaucratic buttfucks.
Don't toss your vote away. Abandon it like a cleft-palated baby girl in China. Now that sends a message. And If you do, let me know what response you get from your state. Here's mine.