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Current Mood: Shitty (sweet Jesus H. Fuck I am witty)

Humanity’s Greatest Accomplishment

Ok class, we’ve done it for my lifetime and we’ve done it for humanity on a worldwide level for one day. Now we are doing it for the entire population ever. We are answering the ultimate question raised by crapometry:

How much shit have humans produced in our existence?

I mean, it’s got to be a lot of poop. Exactly how much, though? Has the entire mass of the Earth passed through our collective asses? What states could we cover in shit? How does all that crap compare to various elements of our galaxy?

I’m glad you asked. First, let’s pull some numbers out of our asses to feed our formula. After an exhaustive internet search that lasted almost 15 seconds I found Population Reference Bureau which I gave me 10,645,636,800 people who had ever been born.

Since we are including all the Chinese baby girls thrown in the Yangtze, billions of slaves, genocide victims, kids drowned in a bathtub by their loving mothers who wanted them to be certain to be with Jesus, everyone born before penicillin and indoor plumbing and all people still living; I think the average age of a human is 36. Probably low, but when dealing with this much potential shit, its better to be safe than sorry.

Firing up the handy dandy poop calculator, we get that in 36 years an average person will crap 1.66 miles, 805 gallons and 2.98 tons of shit. Who said life was ultimately purposeless and you’d never leave a mark on this earth? Granted it’s a big brown mark and basically everyone in the world will do it, but still, let that be your purpose and achievement in an otherwise empty life.

Good for you.

By the magical, mystical, powers of multiplication, that means in the history of the world humans have produced 17,671,757,088 miles of shit, 8,569,737,624,000 gallons of crap and 31,723,997,664 tons of feces. Stacked on top of another that poo wall would rise up 3,312,000,000 miles and have an area of 418,365 square miles. Onto the comparisions.

That’s enough poop to cover Texas, Montana and Delaware with enough turds left over to bury Washington D.C. eleven shits deep.

If we could somehow form that shit into one continuous poop rope and let it fly off the back of the planet as we orbited the sun, we would have over 3 years worth of rope.

If we used all that shit as bricks we could make a 2 lane cobbleturd road from the earth to the sun.

Lastly, if you added up all the time and energy I spent converting, calculating, researching and figuring this shit out about shit and wondered why I don’t use my abilities and genius in a more productive way for society, well, that would make it all worth while for me.

No one gives a fourth of a cum covered turd what you think, but please don't let that stop you from spreading your insightful wit to the world by commenting below. Or fuck, you're such a pussy-eating faggot you're probably interested in the rss feed of this shitty site. Oy vey.