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How Much Have I Shit In My Life?
You Should See The One That Got Away

And Is It More Than Jesus Crapped?

Finally, someone (me) has had the balls, intelligence, education, good looks, huge cock and determination it takes to tackle life's fundamental questions. First I bravely chronicle all my shit in 2009 and now I give the world the gift of being able to calculate how much they've shit. This will definetly silence all those who question if my great abilities and genius level intelligence are properly focused.

To figure out your, a friend's, the president's, the pope's, George Washington's or Hitler's total amount crapped in life, use the below calculator. Butt (get it? Holy prolapsed rectums that's good) please, this is for education and entertainment purposes only. Absolutely no wagering.

First Crap:
Last Crap:
Daily Crap Length:
Avg. Crap Diameter:
Crap Bouyancy:


Shit Totals:


Let this insightful page also be the answer to any snot-nosed, retarded, lazy 8th grader who raises that cliched question 'Oh come, on, when will we ever use geometry?'. Guess what Tubby? Without Euclid's work I may have never been able to give the world the gift of being able to accurantely calculate how many miles, gallons and tons of shit someone produced in their life.

While your thanks, undying adulation, cash and nudie pics of your grandmothers (jason@porkjerky.com) is gratitude enough for me; for your own concious, feel free to use the following link to nominate me for a Nobel Prize (physics, chemistry, medicine, literature, peace or economics--honestly they all apply) or this link for my much deserved MacArthur Genius Grant.

Ladies, not that you need one, but here's a surefire way to start a fight: "Do these pants make my tits look fat?"