There I was, titty fucking some random skank's nipples off, wondering if that was enough or if I needed to do something else completely pointless for breast cancer. If only there was a gesture equally as empty as wearing a pink bracelet or having a bake sale or throwing a magnetic ribbon on my car or walking with a herd of heifers for 5 kilometers. Something that would show my hollow support without taking any actual effort nor furthering the cause in any real way. Then it hit me like a ton of boobs. This and every October, porkjerky.com will go pink as a lip service tribute to breast cancer. Please follow my magnanimous example and do something meaninglessly worthless that doesn't require any real effort on your part for this great cause. Believe me when I say, it should be the least we can do.
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Omniscience->Fecestimator

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How Much Have I Shit In My Life?
You Should See The One That Got Away

And Is It More Than Jesus Crapped?

Finally, someone (me) has had the balls, intelligence, education, good looks, huge cock and determination it takes to tackle life's fundamental questions. First I bravely chronicle all my shit in 2009 and now I give the world the gift of being able to calculate how much they've shit. This will definetly silence all those who question if my great abilities and genius level intelligence are properly focused.

To figure out your, a friend's, the president's, the pope's, George Washington's or Hitler's total amount crapped in life, use the below calculator. Butt (get it? Holy prolapsed rectums that's good) please, this is for education and entertainment purposes only. Absolutely no wagering.

Fecestimator
First Crap:
Last Crap:
Daily Crap Length:
Avg. Crap Diameter:
Crap Bouyancy:

Crapulate


Shit Totals:

Shitmit

Let this insightful page also be the answer to any snot-nosed, retarded, lazy 8th grader who raises that cliched question 'Oh come, on, when will we ever use geometry?'. Guess what Tubby? Without Euclid's work I may have never been able to give the world the gift of being able to accurantely calculate how many miles, gallons and tons of shit someone produced in their life.

While your thanks, undying adulation, cash and nudie pics of your grandmothers (jason@porkjerky.com) is gratitude enough for me; for your own concious, feel free to use the following link to nominate me for a Nobel Prize (physics, chemistry, medicine, literature, peace or economics--honestly they all apply) or this link for my much deserved MacArthur Genius Grant.

If they outlaw incoherence, will be outlaws incoherent only.
There I was, titty fucking some random skank's nipples off, wondering if that was enough or if I needed to do something else completely pointless for breast cancer. If only there was a gesture equally as empty as wearing a pink bracelet or having a bake sale or throwing a magnetic ribbon on my car or walking with a herd of heifers for 5 kilometers. Something that would show my hollow support without taking any actual effort nor furthering the cause in any real way. Then it hit me like a ton of boobs. This and every October, porkjerky.com will go pink as a lip service tribute to breast cancer. Please follow my magnanimous example and do something meaninglessly worthless that doesn't require any real effort on your part for this great cause. Believe me when I say, it should be the least we can do.