Homemade pornography videos are like car wrecks to me. I can’t turn away. Never, absolutely never are the people engaged in it attractive. The camera work sucks. Quality and lighting is abysmal. Often action occurs out of frame. It never gives me a boner, but for the life of me I am addicted to homemade pornography.
The key to watching it, to get the full entertainment value it holds is to never focus on the foreground or main action. Always look at the small things and the background—that’s were the good stuff is.
Now, if you’re a pompous fuck who thinks the world wants to see you get laid, here are a few tips on how you can add a touch of professionalism to your homemade porn videos. Paying attention to these few simple details will ensure people focus on you slurping semen and not get distracted by what’s going on in the background.
- You don’t have to clean the entire house, or an entire room, just clean or move to the side all the junk that’s going to be in the frame that you will be fucking in.
- I’m not one of these save the world, recycle everything hippies, but could you clear the sofa of all the beer cans, soda bottles, Hot Pocket sleeves and empty cigarette packets?. Ok, how about just move the clear Quiktrip cup that one or both of you are using to spit tobacco into? Please?
- Personally, I love, absolutely love the idea that you are watching Andy Griffith as you suck off your boyfriend/husband/child protection officer while making this video. It always is a pleasure to see someone get balled in front of a T.V. with Aunt Bea baking a pie for Opie. However, from a practical standpoint its giving me a headache because the frame rates on your T.V. and video recorder aren’t matching up. Maybe you can green screen it in during post production. Just an idea.
- Now, I don’t want to seem like a pedophileophobe, but all those baby toys laying around as you get your hastily shaven pussy eaten is kinda creeping me out. The picture of you, your 4 kids, Minnie Mouse and Pluto on the coffee table isn’t helping things either.
- I hate immediately cleaning up spills on my carpet just as much as the next guy, so I’m not judging you. But here’s a tip I saw on Martha Stewart: either move the fuck stage to another part of the house with better flooring, or if that’s not possible, situate yourself so that as you get assfucked its hidden underneath you.
- The audio usually isn’t good on homemade porn—remember this and use it to your advantage. For example, when the phone rings, simply ignore it because the viewer might not pick up on it and will never know that it rang while you were getting tittyfucked. That is unless of course you two discuss at great lengths for 5 minutes as you continue to fuck. Either answer the phone and pause the lovemaking video, or fuck through it and completely ignore it. Nobody who’s watching is interested in if you should pick up the phone and talk to your sister Linda about whether you guys should go to Sizzler or Ponderosa for your step-mother’s birthday.
- This is probably nitpicky, but it’s a small thing you can do to add to the romanticism viewers will feel when enjoying your fuck video for years to come. While one man’s cock is in your twat, another guy’s is in your mouth and you are fingering a third prick: either jerk that last dick off with your right hand or remove your wedding band from your left when you do it.
Remember though, these are just suggestions. That fuck video is your fuck video–there are no rules you have to follow. Above all, just have fun.
No one gives a fourth of a cum covered turd what you think, but please don't let that stop you from spreading your insightful wit to the world by commenting below. Or fuck, you're such a pussy-eating faggot you're probably interested in the rss feed of this shitty site. Oy vey.