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Current Mood: Shitty (sweet Jesus H. Fuck I am witty)

Rectum? It Damn Near Killed Me

Here’s a sentence that will blow your fucking mind: This crap scared the shit out of me.

Yeah, wrap your feeble brain around that for a minute.

Times up, onto the poop. I was fine until I grabbed the camera. From this side of it, it seemed like an average crap. Everything came out alright, wiping wasn’t a problem. When I was done I got up, pulled my pants on and went for my camera. It was then, right as I was focusing that I saw this turd and started to freak.

Look at it–Mother cocksucker almighty that had to hurt. Just seeing it, convinced me that I had to have injured myself pushing it out my ass. It’s like the first time I got a bloody nose as a kid. I was smacked in the face with a soccer ball. It stung, but I didn’t want to seem like a pussy so I kept playing. A couple outs later I wiped my hand across my nose because I felt what I thought I was snot, but it wasn’t. It was blood, lots of it. I stopped caring about not being a pussy and freaked out. It didn’t hurt any more or less, but seeing tangible evidence of my injury scared the shit out of me. So I tore off, running home as fast as I could, screaming like the little pussy I tried to pretend I wasn’t.

And that’s very similar to what happened when I saw this right angled turd. I mean come on, that thing had to hurt, didn’t it? I thought maybe I was in shock, and my body was protecting me from the amazing pain I was actually in. You know, like when a drunk driver gets ejected as his car rolls down a hill and lands on top of him crushing 80% of his body. They are coherent, talking to the EMT, making plans to stay at home and drink next week, and not feeling even a tinge of pain, but in reality they have been physically cut in two and only have moments to live.

I feared that was me. So, I immediately dropped the camera, pulled my pants back down, backed my butt up to a mirror to and checked my asshole out. I just knew I was going to have to go to the emergency room and get some sort of surgery done on my rectum. And we’ve all seen the pictures and heard the stories about people and their assholes in the emergency room. No matter how true it was, nobody down at the hospital was going to believe my injuries were just because I shit a turd that came out sideways.

Thankfully, while I expected to be able to see my own stomach through a retired porn star sized hole in my ass causing me to live my life never being able to produce a fart that was capable of making a sound, I didn’t. In fact, I am perfectly fine.

No one gives a fourth of a cum covered turd what you think, but please don't let that stop you from spreading your insightful wit to the world by commenting below. Or fuck, you're such a pussy-eating faggot you're probably interested in the rss feed of this shitty site. Oy vey.