Wait just a second. Nope, not yet. Not yet. Just a few moments more. Let’s fully digest this. Almost there, getting closer. Hold on just a little longer. Oh ok, here it comes. I think we are starting to understand the full gravity of this situation. And its not pretty. Let’s take just a second to reflect, don’t want to have a knee-jerk reaction to this.
Alright, deep breath in. Deep breath out.
Ok, Now. Now’s the time. Start going ape-shit, panic ridden crazy now. This is not a test.
Planes will fall from the sky. Life saving hospital equipment will malfunction. Babies will not receive the food they need. Our shitty economy will falter even more. The freedoms we so proudly provide lip service to, but don’t actually use will be threatened. And god forbid, your favorite, local professional sports team; the one you adamantly identify with, defend, shell out a good portion of your income to show your support to, and who’s existence is your sole reason for living, will become harder to follow.
Yeah, start freaking out now. Push old ladies out of the way. Start looting the liquor store, raping school children and stocking up on ammo. This is not going to be pretty.
That’s right, I am talking about TV-Y2K9: The Television Apocalypse.
Just shy of a decade ago humanity was barely saved from computers and their ignorant ability to know what year came after 1999. Just like the Cuban missile crisis and Big Mouth Billy Bass, we will never know how close we came to obliterating the world with our technological hubris. We just barely avoided turning everything with a microchip into a mechanized killing machine lusting after our bodies so they could be entombed to harness the electrical charges we produce.
Now though, we face a plight so horrible, not even the most imaginative, acid-tripping, sado-maschosist science-fiction writer could have dreamed it up: TV obsolescence.
This is a medical fact: Last night your local TV stations were to stop sending analog signals to your TV and instead send digital ones. While these digital signals were being touted as more powerful, faster, stronger and able to provide better quality in a smaller spectrum, they failed to mention one flaw of the new system. These new digital signals would dramatically increase the carcinogenic radiation people in households without proper ‘digital converters’ would receive.
That’s right. These digital converters are modern day lightning rods – they help reduce and negate the effect of the hazardous radiation the digital waves have on living organisms in your household–converting and sanitizing the new digital waves in a manner that makes your household a safe place to live.
Thanks to Congress we have a few more months to live life to the fullest before we get all Silkwooded. So live it up while you can. Maybe store some sperm or eggs, brush up on your nut/breast cancer self-exam techniques, start Beta-maxing your favorite Who’s The Boss reruns and take some pictures of your pets and children so you can remember what they looked like before they had those huge facial tumors and that gray, radiated skin. Come June 12, 2009, unless you have a Y2K9 compliant TV, you won’t be able to use your current one for protection nor entertainment when the TV Tribulation comes to pass.
May the FCC have mercy on our souls.
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