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Current Mood: Shitty (sweet Jesus H. Fuck I am witty)

So Shitty, Its Awesome

Today, I am taking a break from writing about things that I hate because they are so shitty and I am instead writing about something I love because it’s so shitty. First, a metaphor, possibly a simile (I forget the difference–and don’t give a shit).

I once worked with a gay guy who constantly sang show tunes, talked effeminately, made an annual pilgrimage to see Cher in concert and constantly referenced and simultaneously mocked himself for being so gay.

He was so self-awarely gay he was cool. And that’s why I love Wal-Mart.

Oh, you will hear tons of people talk about how horribly shitty it is, how it treats its employees badly, how it sells crap, how it rapes its suppliers, pillages the towns it moves into and is so stereotypically a big, evil corporation.

And that’s why I love it. Wal-Mart’s awesomeness is in how super-shitty it is. Whenever they do something wrong, they are always without real remorse. And disgruntled consumers are without real recourse, because we are all Wal-Mart junkies jonesing for our next cheap merchandise fix.

Oh you will get those concerned citizens who go to city council meetings trying to persuade the city to not allow Wal-Mart to move in. Or try to threaten a boycott. But when Wal-Mart sells shit that people in a community don’t need and at ungodly low prices, it’s pretty hard for the masses to stick to their principles.

That’s what’s awesome about Wal-Mart, they are a reflection of us. Oh, we will get our panties in a bunch every now and then and puff out our chests and talk about how shit’s gonna change because we aren’t going to stand for their crap anymore. But when the new ad comes out and they are dropping their already low prices on shit we can live without, all is forgiven.

And I am only half-way kidding when I use the term ‘shit’ to refer to their merchandise. I honestly believe Wal-Mart could sell chocolate covered carcinogenic turds in a box labeled “Chocolate Covered Carcinogenic Turds” with a sign showing how much the price has been reduced and make a killing.

God bless America.

No one gives a fourth of a cum covered turd what you think, but please don't let that stop you from spreading your insightful wit to the world by commenting below. Or fuck, you're such a pussy-eating faggot you're probably interested in the rss feed of this shitty site. Oy vey.