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R.I.P.->Memorializing Jennifer Alspaugh & Cheryl Treasure With Shit

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Jennifer Alspaugh & Cheryl Treasure
Online Obituary 1Online Obituary 2Online Article
Memorial For Jennifer Alspaugh & Cheryl Treasure

The Columbia Daily Tribune is my favorite newspaper in the whole entire world--I love it. I know what you are saying you Pee Wee Herman wannabee piece of shit--and the answer is yes. As soon as I save up 3 months salary from sucking cocks at the truckstop I am buying a ring and asking it to marry me--I love it that much.

With all the research I do into these fucking crosses' stories, which should be straight news stories, I have found article after article of shitty, lowest common denominator writing. It usually isn't journalism, it's marketing copywriting aimed at selling newspapers. This story however is awesome. 4 sentences of fact filled pulitizer material.

Let me sum up the article in just a few less words than it does: Cheryl Treasure crossed the median, flipped her car and got herself and her daughter, Jennifer Alspaugh killed when an 18 wheeler came along and smashed into them.

Check out the article though. It lists the location, down to the mile marker of where the crash occured. The ages and home towns of everyone, including the driver of the 18 wheeler. A summary of what happened. And includes the make, model and year of all the vehicles involved. And it does it all in less than 90 total words. Obviously this story was written by either a 100 year old crumudgeion of reporter who knows what journalism is or a starry-eyed reporter who is fresh from college who hasn't had their editor beat the 'human interest angle sells papers' mantra into them yet.

Check out some of my other crosses and the articles that go with them and its disgusting. Most of them, like this one are written with one goal in mind--sell advertising space. Newspapers never write cold hard, unemotional factual stories about accidents. No its always about a 'tragedy'. The dead are always going to be saints even when they the only ones responsible.

Columbia Tribune, you had me at 'A Columbia woman and her 10-year-old daughter died Thursday'.

As openly a callous prick that I am, it amazes me that people still overestimate my ability to care or think that I value their opinions. Prove me right at jason@porkjerky.com.