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R.I.P.->Immortalizing Jason Gwin, Jeff Sanderson & Kyle Storr With Garbage

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Jason Gwin, Jeff Sanderson & Kyle Storr
Cached ArticleOnline News StoryJeremy Hubbard
Memorial For Jason Gwin, Jeff Sanderson & Kyle Storr

This memorial is a milestone in my collection, with it my site has become self-perpetuating. That is, the memorial pictured above is on my site because of my site. Hear me out. It's really, really good.

The ABC affiliate in Kansas City (KMBC 9) did a story on the section of my website you are now viewing (R.I.P.) and how I am a cross dressing, war criminal leper with homosexual pedophile tendencies who hates rainbows and puppies. They have a web version of the story here, but the telecast was so much better.

They played some stock footage of car wrecks, showed some pages of this site, they interviewed Sheila Dyer (mother of this cross's victim), and talked to some haggard M.A.D.D. representative (turns out drinking is horrible but chain smoking is a gift from god). Both of the ladies said that, get this; my cross project is horrible. Why I never. But the best part of it, the absolutely fucking hilarious thing about the news story is that for some reason the reporter, Jeremy Hubbard, couldn't just sit at the news desk and do the report. No, he did it while standing in front of the memorial that is pictured above---and live. Because reporting live and on location is the cornerstone of great journalism during sweeps.

When I saw the newscast I was simutanously pissing myself and pissed off. I was cackling hystericaly because he was doing exactly what I do. He was using these crappy crosses as a backdrop while looking like a shit-eating douchebag (and with all modesty, I pull that look off a whole lot better). Of course, he was 100% serious: coat, tie, clipboard, microphone with the station logo, and above all, totally oblivous to the irony. Then I got pissed when I realized he had scooped me. The memorial he was standing in front of wasn't part of my collection.

Until now. So, thanks to Jeremy Hubbard locating it for me with his live and on-location reporting, here is another roadside cross with a tragic story. And by tragic I mean one where the people who died were, in my unhumble opinion, at least a little culpable in their deaths. So, I guess I don't mean tragic at all. Boy, I am a cross dressing war criminal leper with homosexual pedophile tendencies who hates rainbows and puppies.

The above crosses are for Jason Gwin, Jeff Sanderson, and Kyle Storrs who were all around 21 years old and all perished in a tragic car accident. And by tragic this time I mean, it was a one car crash, where they flipped someone's BMW not once, not twice, not thrice, not four times, not five times, (getting dizzy yet?) not six times, but according to police, about 7 times while traveling at an undetermined speed. Did I mention that this tragedy occured at 3 in the morning, or as alcoholics hate to call it: Closing time?

Again, thanks, Jeremy Hubbard for your live, on-location and ironic reporting.

Send hate mail, death threats and proof of your illiteracy to jason@porkjerky.com. Remember, 'Fuck you.' is a complete sentence; 'You infected ass-polyp' is just a fragment.