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They Would've Wanted It That Way
George Washington has a commemorative phallus at the National Mall. A two ton bronze likeness honors Rocky at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. Mount Rushmore is a mountainous shrine to 4 presidents. In Giza, the Great Pyramid stands for Cheops. All around us are monuments built to honor men of great esteem and popularity.
But what about the common guy who got shitfaced and crosses the median on I-70? Or the family run over by the trucker who was heft up on a Strawberry-Viagra-No Doz-Night Train-Slurpee? Or the marching band kids who were pinned underneath the school bus that swerved to miss the mini-van driven by the fat bitch on her cell phone who was racing to make her nail appointment?
I ask you dear sirs, where are their memorials? Where are gawdy and pretentious tributes to them? How are we, the living, recognizing how a noble drive to McDonald's ended with them heroically bleeding to death on the side of the road, valiantly soaked in their own urine and courageously whining 'I don't want to fucking die'? What are we doing to show that we are overlooking that they really were pricks and instead, have chosen to embellish the importance of their miserable lives?
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Here, thats where. I'll make you a deal: If, but most likely when; a loved one, family member, someone who you feel sorry for or someone you feel guilty for killing, dies beside a roadway: memorialize them by putting up 2 boards nailed perpendicularly together then let me know about it. I will do my part by coming along and laughing at how horrible it must have been to not only die violently on the side of the road but to have some crap thrown in a drainage ditch as an honor to their life. Although, ironically, I bet that's the perfect metaphor for that life.
Next, I will tromp through that beautifully tacky, ad-hoc memorial, put on a shit-eating grin and have my picture taken as I wave like a tourist on a white-trash safari. Although, ironically, that's the perfect metaphor for my life. Then I will research their name and find out the real story behind their demise (news flash: they ain't all martyrs). Finally, I will post my pictures along with a synopsis of how they died on this site. Thus, providing the world with an online rememberance of the litter you threw in a ditch all in the name of your loved one.
So keep driving like you have a small dick to hide, keep dying, keep putting up kitsch and I will keep taking pictures. But one thing...
When I die, please, please, please, please, please, please, please; pretty motherfucking please: Do not memorialize my life or death by writing on your cars' windows with shoe polish, nor with a bumper sticker, t-shirt, coffee mug, hat, tattoo, nor, no matter how tragic my death was nor "appropriate" it seems; a roadside memorial. Thanks a bunch and god bless.