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R.I.P.->Memorializing Pete Cuezze With Litter

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Pete Cuezze
Cached ArticleMissouri Case.netOliver TruckingOnline Dictionary
Memorial For Pete Cuezze

Pete Cuezze's death is a cross between Nathan Hruska an idiot who put himself in harm's way and Clark Waldram who was killed by someone else.

God bless online court records. You can go to Missouri Case.net, click on 'Case Number Search' and enter "00CV208830" (that's right motherfucker, the stories I tell with these memorials aren't fiction. They're definitely opinion-heavy but they're also fact filled). Or you can just read the below synopsis.

On I-70 Pete Cuezze runs out of gas. Holy pussyfart. Even a fucking, illiterate, retarded, mexican whore can comprehend what it means when the gas gauge says 'E'. Literally.

I know, I know. I throw around "fucking, illiterate, retarded, mexican whore" a lot as a pejorative term, but in this instance I literally mean a fucking (in the process of fornicating, copulating), illiterate (a person who cannot read nor write), retarded (a person with an IQ below 55), mexican (a person descended from natives of Mexico) whore (a person who engages in sexual acts for money). Even that person, who is incapable of reading, mentally defecient, foreign to America, and busy turning a trick can use their limited knowledge and abilities to realize that they need some more god damn gas.

Anywho. As Pete is filling up his car on the interstate's shoulder along comes an Oliver Trucking 18 wheeler and relieves Pete of his life. Ahh sweet, sweet natural selection. Who'd a thunk that filling up your vehicle inches away from tons of steel traveling at 70 mph would be life endagering?

Not Pete, otherwise he would have enlisted a fucking, illiterate, retarded, mexican whore to tell him when to get some more fucking gas. Luckily though, his survivors won't have that problem. They will be able to afford all the ignorant 3rd world hookers that $7 million can buy because lucky dumbshit Pete was taken out by a trucking company that decided to make a settlement rather than let a jury decide if their drivers had falsified their driving logs.

Man I love this story. No good guys, just bad/stupid guys and they all pay in the end. And I live happily ever after. Best of all, the half mile drive up to the exit 18 is beautifully litter free.

I am one misspelling filled hate mail away from repenting, apologizing and giving my life over to christ. Send yours to jason@porkjerky.com. I am sure it will be the one.