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R.I.P.->Immortalizing Dwayne With Crap

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Memorial For Dwayne

I Got Your Ex Post Facto Right Here Bitch

Of all the shitty and worthless and horrible and tacky and appalling and indecent and gaudy and half assed and insipid and retarded and namby-pamby and pretentious and tasteless and repulsive and uncreative and embarrassing and shitty ideas I have seen on crosses this is right there in the middle. I'll explain why, but it's gonna take some math and logic, so if your not up to it or already worn out from all the Latin that began this page just go on to the next cross.

In the pic, on the cross, Dwayne's lifespan is nearly legible. To Dwayne's holy spirit side of the cross (the left part for you Dwayne infidels) there is "1962" and to the son's side (the right) is "1979", making Dwayne about 17 when he bought the farm, figuratively, by crashing the farm, literally. I however, was way late to the party and didn't get there until 2003.

Now, I am not part of CSI: Middle of Fucking Nowhere Kansas, but I've come to learn a few things about cheaply painted wooden crosses, shitty plastic flowers and stick on lettering. There is no way that cross is even 5 years old, much less 30. Plus, this whole fucking, "lets stick some shitty shit in the road for our shitty driving shitfaced friend who got all shitty and ate shit while driving like a dumbshit" phenomenon only started around 1997.

So what you see here folks, is a retroactive cross. About 3 years ago some Cleveland, KS bumpkin said, "Hey Dwayne sorry about you dying 23 years ago, and us forgetting about you, but hey--theres this new crappy trend sweeping the nation that I wanted to be part of and your the only dumbfuck in my town of 250 that has ever died in a car accident so here's a crappy cross and some shitty flowers."

Carpe my nutsack.

I am one misspelling filled hate mail away from repenting, apologizing and giving my life over to christ. Send yours to jason@porkjerky.com. I am sure it will be the one.