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R.I.P.->Remembering Crystal Kipper With Garbage

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Crystal Kipper
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Memorial For Crystal Kipper

This memorial is truly disheartening. It marks the spot... It marks... It marks the spot where...Bear with me for a moment. Ok, I can do this. I can get through this whole thing. I've got to. It would have wanted me to be strong. Ok, here goes. This memorial marks the spot where Crystal Kipper's Ford Probe died. Oh god. Please, no.

Lord, why do you always take the good vehicles before their time? Why couldn't it have been that piece of shit Eagle Talon I drove for 2 years? Stories like this really makes you question your belief in a higher power. Why would a just god allow something like this happen to such a fine automobile?

From my research, this memorial has to be for Crystal Kipper's car. It can't be for her because there was no accident. The only thing that died there, was her car. She didn't. In fact, her nor her corpse have been seen since. So, this cross obviously marks the spot where that angelic automobile died. Oh that poor Ford Probe.

Ok here's the heart-wrenching story of this saintly Ford Probe LX: On February 24, 1997 it was heading home at about 2 in the morning. Now I know what you are thinking, but let me assure you that this Probe was not like that. Just because the Ford was out that late and belonged to a stripper doesn't mean it was doing anything wrong. In fact, I am sure it was quite the contrary. It was probably out that late because it had some unfinished business it was attending to at church. Or it was delivering some midnight meals on wheels to the elderly. Or perhaps it was working the graveyard shift as a candy striper in the burn ward of a children's hospital.

Whatever the case, through no fault of its own, and truly unpreventablly, the car ran out of gas and pulls over on the side of the interstate. Boy, that's never turned out badly before. And that my friends is the horrible heinous story of how this memorial for this maroon, 1989 Ford Probe LX came to be.


You're in our thoughs and prayers 1998 maroon Ford Probe LX

As for the driver, no one has seen her since the car died. Poof, gone. Sure, about 2 years later they found articles of clothing belonging to her in the apartment of serial sickfuck, John Williams, who killed himself in jail after being convicted of tormenting a different chick. But that's all parenthetical. The real point of this tribute is to mark the spot where that majestic Ford Probe LX went to see that great factory line in the sky. Kipper was probably so distraught and questioning of her faith that she went on a sabbatical; wandering the earth in search of answers as to why a compassionate god would let this happen to her car.

You're 100% right--Violence solves a lot of problems. Of course its best to first threaten and graphically explain said violence. Use jason@porkjerky.com to start the process on me.