Literally Wrong, Virtually Legal

R.I.P.->Eulogizing Merry Ann With Shit

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Memorial For Merry Ann

Just once, just one fucking time, I want to catch someone in the act of putting up a memorial. I keep a newspaper in my glove compartment in the hope of it happening. I would slam on my brakes, swerve to the shoulder, cut through people's yards, pull a U-turn, drive the wrong way, cut off a cop -- whatever it took to get over to the brainless fuck as fast as possible.

I would grab the newspaper, roll it up, run up on them, grab the back of their neck, drag them right up to the mound they created, yell "No! God damn it. No!", right in their ear. Then I would strengthen my grip on their neck, shake and jerk their head down to the ground, rub their face in it and beat their ass with the newspaper as I go, "No! Bad. Bad. You don't do shit like this. God damn it. No!". Finally, I'd take them to get spayed, neutered, declawed and maybe even a little chemotherapy or bridge work just because I'm a dick.

Mocking crosses on a website is good wholesome fun and all, but because they are so stupid, to teach these piss drinkers that what they are doing is wrong you really have to catch them in the act or they just won't learn.

Direct all hate mail to jason@porkjerky.com and remember to attach naked pictures of your grandmother to guarantee a quick response. The more pink the better.