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R.I.P.->Honoring Todd Corley With Litter

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Todd Corley
Cached ArticleLisa Loeb
Memorial For Todd Corley

Remember in the bible when jesus, the only begotten son of god, was up on the cross dying for mankind's sins, so the gates of heaven would open? And remember how those damn, dirty cocksucking Romans kept sticking pinwheels on him? And who could forget the passage about how those fucking, double-crossing jews put that american flag bow around his neck? Sweet holy hunks of sacrilegious shit.

Don't misunderstand me, I am all for blasphemy in all its forms; intentional or not. But this is fucking horrible. I was actually embarrassed to be standing next to this one as I am sure Todd Corely was to have it display his name. Am I the only person on this cross-infected planet with a sense of shame anymore? It seems to be a dying trait these days. People just don't feel ashamed when they do something as stupid and assinine as this.

Sure, sure, everyone is careful to only shop at the Gap and Old Navy as to fashionably fit in and everyone wears those god damn Lisa Loeb looking glasses whether they need them or not. Yes, all these fucks strive to fit in, to not seem out of place with their clothing. When it comes to acting and making statements in public though, they have no fucking clue as to how much like shit-eating assholes they come off as (this coming from a guy who waves like a turdlicking tourist in front of memorialized death sites), nor do they care to know. Dumb assimilated douchebags.

This is exactly why the world needs bullies in schools. They help those poor, dumbass fucks before they grow up into these shameless robo-humans who just do and don't think. We need to correct this while they are young. People who memorize pi or debate the feasibility of science fiction movies or support the war on drugs or rat out people who aren't hurting anyone or say "G.D it" instead of "god fucking damn it' or who's ass puckers when the hear the word "nigger" or "cunt" used in the correct context: All of these people needed someone to cause them some non-scarring physical harm so they wouldn't have grown up so socially stunted.

Bullies are the ones who can instill in these losers a sense of shame as to what is and what is not socially acceptable. Otherwise, they will go thru life thinking that as long as they have on Tommy Hilfiger they can act and speak in whatever way they see fit.

Generally making fun of them on a website is nice, but a wedgie or a Trapper Keeper to the nuts (man, I am dating myself now (eww, get a room)) or a dirty swirlee is much more effective in preventing the behavior that leads to ass-sucking crosses like this from going up. So just remember, correct someone who ends a sentence with a preposition--face full of toilet and a groin full of knee--thats what they get hit with.

Direct all hate mail to jason@porkjerky.com and remember to attach naked pictures of your grandmother to guarantee a quick response. The more pink the better.