Worthless As Tits On A Retard

R.I.P.->Eulogizing Steven Uetrecht With Garbage

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With your limited mental faculties, you may not believe nor be able to comprehend this, but I actually have a very sophisticated conscience. Its actually beyond a conscience, its a meta-conscience. I have the ability to be deeply concerned about my ability to be deeply concerned. Most people feel bad for things and people--I work on an entirely higher plane by being able to feel slightly bad for not feeling bad about things and people.


For example, Steven Uetrecht.

On 9/16/2005 he was a front-seat passenger in a car doing 75 mph in the middle lane of an interstate with a speed limit of 60. Their exit was coming up, so being a safe motorist, the driver of Uetrecht's car checked his blind spot and noticed a car in the right lane. Naturally, as any cautious operator of a motor vehicle would, he sped up further to pass them so he could make his exit. After gingerly passing at god knows what speed, he carefully pulled into the right lane, safely tried to exit and rolled the car three times.

So far so good. Not even a blip on my moral compass for stopping beside the road, putting on that idiotic grin, waving beside that hunk of rat abortion his loved ones made for him and writing down the details of the memorial so I could later research it to make fun of the victim's demise. Despite the fact Uetrecht had little to do with this accident, it doesn't even cross my mind to feel sorry for him at this point. Nor does it cross my mind that I should feel bad for not feeling sorry for him.

But after I learned this next part and I started to smile and chuckle at how horrible it was, I immediately wondered if I should feel bad for finding it funny. Again, not wonder if I should feel bad for Uetrecht, but wonder if I should feel bad for not operating like a normal human who's initial reaction wouldn't be to smile and chuckle at the horribleness of it all.

As the car is crashing, Uetrecht's seat gets torn from the floor boards making a seatbelt moot and him thrown from the car where he died instantly. No wait, it gets horribler. The back seat passenger walked away from the accident without any major injuries. Don't call yet, there's more. The shitty driver who caused it all didn't suffer any injuries. Karma, isn't a bitch, Karma's a filthy, capricious cunt.

After much studying of philospohy, consulting with various men of god and looking deep inside myself; I've determined that the circumstances of Uetrecht's death are so horrible its impossible not to find it humorous. So I have a clean meta-conscience laughing at this one. In fact, its so horribly funny that if you don't laugh then you really need to re-evaluate your values and morals to see whats wrong with your conscience.

As openly a callous prick that I am, it amazes me that people still overestimate my ability to care or think that I value their opinions. Prove me right at jason@porkjerky.com.