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R.I.P.->Eulogizing Serena Ann Layton With Crap

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Serena Ann Layton
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Memorial For Serena Ann Layton

In the history of mankind (or cuntkind) nothing has been so exponentially improved by adding something so simple to them as newspapers websites. Maybe the Altoids blowjob, but as I my great grandmother tells it; blowjobs were doing pretty well on thier own for quite some time.

I don't know who gets credit for it, but the guy who first added a user comment section to stories on newpaper websites is a god damn genius. I'd like to shake that guy's hand and give him a hummer with whatever mints or candies he'd like in my mouth.

When I saw them for the first tme I was like 'Why the fuck would I care to read what 'gregory4553' thinks about news stories? Who gives a burst anal polyp what the common man's opinion is? '. Now though, I can't read a hard copy newspaper without longing for those ignorant, racist, homophobic, anti-semitic, conspiracy theroy filled and just plain entertaining comments that go with the online version. The unintentional and awkward comedy that the common man produces is amazing.

Better still, all those ignorant, racist, homophobic, anti-semetic, conspiracy-theorists who post comments to online newspaper articles are actual real-life people who live in my community. There is nothing better than reading a rant about how "NIGERS AND MEXICOS AND JEWS AND FA6S AND N|GG3RS NEED TO FUKING GET THE F.CK OUT OF THE F.CKIN6 US BECAUSE THERE LAZY ASES AR RUNINING THIS GREAT COUNTY. AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT YOU AND OBAMA CAN KISS MY REDROSY AZS BECAUSE THESE COLORS DON'T RUN MOTHERF.CK3R. BOO-YA.', in response to an article about the local high school's honor roll being released (FYI, I use hyperbole and embellish my allusions a lot, but that anectdote was the god honest's truth--someone wrote something similar to that in an article about a local high school's honor roll).

It delights me to no end when I google a name on a cross and find a link to a newspaper site. As the page is loading I hope and pray that they have a user comment section and its been used.

William Randolph Hearst heard and answered my prayers for this cross. While the news article for Serena Layton only had one comment, it was a rambling, near-chorent, psuedo-apology/accusation and misspelling filled masterpiece. Allow me to republish it verbatim:

Serena im sorry for everything ive done to you i really am. Im sorry for if i was hard on you but it was sometimes necessary because the things you did i didnt understand and it would make me so angry sometimes. But i always loved you in my heart and i would have done any thing in the world for you i swear. And i know you would have done the same for me. I know why have had are good and bad times. But no matter what i know deep done inside we still loved each other. I just couldnt be with you at the time serena because you wasnt doing what you were supposed to do with gimariay, i know sometimes it gets hard our here. But you did what you could when you could i know if you could have done more you would have. Im going to raise gimariay right and will make sure she always knows you no matter what. She's asked about you all the time and i tell her it going to be okay and that you love her. Her 3rd but is in 3 days at chuck e cheese where she wanted it at. She has your stuck up attitude and big *** head and stinky morning breathe and slobbers like you to. Its 08/01/08 over a month since you passed away. Its been stressful but everybody is going to be okay. Im praying it does, watch over us and watch over gimariay try to let her over come that stubborness. WELL IM OUTTA HERE YOUR BD FOR LIFE I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU I WISH I COULD CUSS YOU ONE LAST TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That person actually exists. That's not a character on a fictional TV show. Its not a fame-whore reality character on a highly edited show like The Real World, I Love New York or even Intervention trying to say something crazy so they get some camera time. No, that's a real person who lives within thirty minutes of me who took the time to put, for lack of a better term, their thoughts down and submit them so presumably the community could see them.

God bless you, newspaper web developer guy for adding comments to your articles. And god bless you gregory4553 for existing.

Oh and I guess god bless Serena Layton too. After all, she was the one who ran out in front of an 18-wheeler at 5 in the morning on the interstate (No allusion, hyperbole or embellishment there either--that last statement is entirely factual--check the link).

Direct all hate mail to jason@porkjerky.com and remember to attach naked pictures of your grandmother to guarantee a quick response. The more pink the better.