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R.I.P.->Remembering Kelsey L. Price With Crap

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Kelsey L. Price
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Memorial For Kelsey L. Price

Why is everyone who dies under the age of 18 bright? And why do newspaper articles that detail their deaths not only not provide details supporting this 'bright' claim, but actually provide information contradicting it?

For example, Kelsey Price "...was a bright girl who learned very quickly". However, "...she entered an alternative learning program" after leaving regular high school a few months prior to the accident. Now, I could be way off base here, but where I come from, "alternative learning program" doesn't mean she was studying to be a homosexual or an astrologist or a professional hypnotist or a trapeze artist, or any other thing in our society that's labeled 'alternative'.

I am pretty sure 'alternative learing program' is a polite euphemism, like all the polite words we have for retards (i.e. 'special', 'developmentally disabled', 'mentally handicapped', 'shit-eating dumbfuck'). Now, back in my parent's day an 'alternative learning program' was a euphimism for where they sent all the pregnant girls to complete high school. In my day it was a euphemism for the place kids went for their last chance before they got shipped off to juvenile detention and/or retard day care.

Also, there's a supporting evidence to my 'maybe she wasn't so bright' theory in what they explicity didn't say. At the very end of the article it states that the other 2 passengers were wearing seatbelts, and left it at that. No mention of Kelsey's seatbeltedness. In other articles I found, like this one and this one it explicitly states she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

Please, only send constructive criticism to jason@porkjerky.com. Writing 'Go fuck yourself sideways', is only helpful if you provide specific, self-sideways fucking details.