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R.I.P.->Eulogizing David Johnson With Crap

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David Johnson
Cached ArticleMagic: The Gathering
Memorial For David Johnson

Poor, poor, poor, poor, David Scott Johnson. This has got to be the most macabre death thus far. You may want to turn away now so you won't have to read the nightmarish details that follow.

Now, they weren't able to identify this from his dental records, but I think it is a safe conclusion given the facts that are known:

  1. He was the only person involved in the wreck.
  2. He rolled a minivan.
  3. He died at age 22.

So obviously, poor David Johnson died a virgin. How horrific. To be legal drinking age and not only drive a minivan, but to die while doing so. I am sure he will truly be missed by all the people he played Magic: The Gathering with, as well as that fat girl with horrible acne he never had the courage to ask out but would have gladly let him get to third base.

I'm not above apologizing for any errors I have made. However, I'm also not above wishing AIDS and gang rape on you and your family if you incorrectly assert I've made errors. Email me at jason@porkjerky.com to point out any errors I have made. Just be certain I've made errors.