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R.I.P.->Honoring Gary Raney With Litter

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Gary Raney
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Memorial For Gary Raney

Having been left sterile from an electric can opener accident in my late teens, I have come to view all of these shitty memorials on this shitty site as my children. Each unique, each special, each having its own place in my heart. And just like if I had actual children, some I love more than others. This is one of those memorials.

Now, I have only circumstantial evidence, but my genius level induction abilities lead me to believe this is the first guilt-cross in my collection. That is, the family of one corpse wanted to put up a cross for their loved one, but their consciences made them put one up for the other corpse as well. Again, all speculation, but also again, based on my savant-like reasoning skills.

Here's what I do know. These 1 and 3/4 crosses are for Gary Raney who was driving south in the northbound lane of I-29 in Platte City, MO and his victim Stephanie Tucker who was driving north in that same northbound lane. Also, despite the shitty lettering, Gary has his entire name on his cross and his birthdate. Stephanie's just has her first name and the date of her leaving this world, not entering it.

Taken together, that means the people who wet-farted out these crosses to the side of the road knew more about Gary than they did Stephanie. My guess is Gary's family wanted to put up a cross for him, but kind of felt bad memorializing a man who took someone with him without putting one up for his victim. So they quefed one out for ole what's her name as well--to soothe their consciences.

Ergo, I have my first guilt-cross. Which I is just as fulfilling as any pity-fuck, charity-blowjob, mercy-saladtoss or sympathy-donkeypunch.

Have your attorney use jason@porkjerky.com when making good on your threats to sue me for being an asshole. Of course, the same guy who handled your back child support and DUI cases probably isn't the best representation in this civil matter.