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Current Mood: Shitty (sweet Jesus H. Fuck I am witty)

Operation Shitty Garden

Most of you astute observers have instantly recognized the poop in this picture as one I initially crapped out 2 days ago; albeit a little less fresh. Now, I’m not trying to short change all you poop aficionados a picture, but operation ‘Shitty Garden’ is in effect.

Get fucking ready to fucking have your fucking mind fucking blown.

Ready?

Too fucking bad.

Two days ago I planted some pea in my poop. Homophonically, that’s pure fucking genius. ‘Pea in my poop’ that’s the lowest high brow humor you will ever find. And vice versa.

Now, I’m kind of playing this by ear because The Farmer’s Almanac was of little help. Amazingly, no where in it could I find tips about planting crops on a turd in your toilet. And I didn’t get much help from the so called ‘experts’ to whom I mailed my request for toilet gardening help.

I’ll keep you posted, for now I have to run and weed my garden, put up a scare crow and research how to get some of those sweet government farm subsidies.

One Giant Circlejerk For Mankind

No man, or woman for that matter, has walked on the moon or any other celestial body other than Earth in my lifetime.

Breath that in, digest it, mull it over, roll it in a tortilla, sprinkle it with some cinnamon, batter it in cake mix, deep fry it, cover it with powder sugar, glaze it with a nice port wine reduction and really sink your teeth into it.

It tastes like shit if you ask me.

Oh they sent a couple robots to Mars. That’s impressive until you find out they did the same fucking thing when I was 2 and came pretty close 5 years earlier. Got a big fucking telescope orbiting earth that was pretty impressive 15 years ago, but now’s on life support, waiting to be another marketing gimmick for Taco Bell.

Not 1 manned moon mission in my lifetime. It’s a thing of history books and stories your grandfather tells you that you’re not sure you believe. You can watch grainy video of people on the moon, but you know what—I don’t nor have I ever lived in a world of grainy video. You show me a high definition video of some guy on the moon dicking around, then well, that’s something I can relate to. Everything else might as well be next to the T. Rex exhibit in some stuffy museum.

Oh I can fire up Twitter and read near-gibberish, pablum about trips to Starbucks ad nauseum. I can turn on T.V. and watch 1 of 20 channels where people are either trying to buy a house, remodeling a house or redecorating a house. Technology has given us all those great things. Technology for space travel however, hasn’t stagnated, its actually regressed.

How have we pissed away the last decades? Did we just decide we were through with it all? How do you lose technology?

It’s like if someone lost the blueprints for how refrigerators worked so we all go back to having people deliver big blocks of ice to us to use in our ice boxes. Or we forget how antibiotics work and millions die because we just can’t remember how to make them.

And the worst part is everyone’s cool with that.

World, I’m not mad at you, I’m just very disappointed.

A Foreshadowing Crap

Here’s an email of mine that went out to a bunch of experts on the subject:

May god have mercy on my toilet.

A Shitty Cocksucking Blog

After embarrassingly admitting I have never learned a porn star’s name, I decided to do what any decent human being would—I went out and got a favorite. Her name is Cora.

And I don’t know which is better, her blog or her cocksucking. Unfortunately for her, I don’t give out Porkjerky.com Shitty Cocksucking Awards so she will have to settle for an Intermittent Porkjerky.com Shitty Blog Award.

The Porn Star Cora Blog is awesome. Unlike her cocksucking, what her blog lacks in quantity it makes up for in quality. There is just one post and it’s about her attempt to make her father proud and suck off 200 guys for a world record.

And yes Randal, that’s 200 cocks in a row. Daddy’s little angel.

Before the exciting conclusion to her unquenchable cock quest, let’s review some of the shitter things about her blog. #1 it’s hosted on blogspot, proving once again any idiot with 5 minutes, a keyboard and 200 cocks can make a blog. #2 the blog is 2 months old and only has 1 post. #3 the one post it does have is so awesome.

Now the exciting conclusion: Unfortunately, the old record still stands. She didn’t make it. She petered out. Her eyes were bigger than her mouth. She sucked. She just couldn’t stomach it. She choked. She shot her load too soon.

Around cock 75 she started wheezing and couldn’t breath. It was so bad in fact, they took her to the hospital. The blog didn’t say if guys 76-200 got their money back, a rain check or a bumped up to first class.

Don’t get down on yourself Cora. You may not have come close to touching the cocksucking record, but you touched all of our souls and earned something more prestigious than a record for putting dicks in your mouth; a Randomly Given Porkjerky.com Shitty Blog Award.

You will always be the #1 cocksucker in our hearts. Congratulations.

Poopus Maximus

This poo defies logic. It knows no bounds. It isn’t governed by the same laws of reason as we are. You can’t stop or control it; you can only hope to contain it.

And my toilet just barely does. Using an officially sanctioned commode, I don’t think its physically possible to make a straight shit longer than that. If you look closely you will see that I actually did crap longer than that, it’s just that the turd was so enormous, in an act of self-preservation, it split off from itself.

Good job Jason.

How did that even come out of my ass? It’s the maximum length my toilet can hold. It’s a perfect bisector of my toilet. It runs the diameter of my toilet water. I’ve had long curvy craps before—ones that snake circularly around my bowl, even had a few that went straight down into the toilet hole and rose up like a pillar from the bottom. But this one is in a class by itself.

I crapped my toilet full. Lengthwise at least.

Once Upon A Porn Star

I must be getting homosexualer in my old age. First I don’t liked shaved pussies, bleached assholes, girls struggling to put their own tits in their mouths or bicameral legislatures. Now, not only can’t I even name one porn star, I don’t care to.

With that and the rate hair is randomly appearing on my body, I am slowly turning into my grandfather. While this would be the time he would tell you about being raised on a farm, reminisce about how great WWII rationing was, throw in a few non sequiturs about bikinis and how my father was almost named ‘Edwin’, lament how much gas mileage his Oldsmobile is getting versus how much it should be getting and then silently stare off into space without making any single point in his ramblings, I am going to try a more logical argument.

While I wasn’t raised on a farm, I do know a thing about them gleaned from my years of listening to that old man ramble on about life on one: You don’t name your livestock. They aren’t pets. They aren’t friends nor peers nor family. They are inventory. You should think of them as objects you are taking care of until you need to use them.

That’s why I don’t care to know porn star names and neither should you. Porn stars aren’t like oil or natural gas—porn stars are a renewable resource. There’s no need to conserve them or attach any special meaning to one over another. Its more expensive to recycle one than it does to dispose of them and just get a new one.

That’s how porn works.

All those gray haired cunts are right—porn objectifies women (actually, it objectifies people–because men are in those videos too. The shriveled poons never make that connection though). Nothing wrong with that. In fact that’s the way it should be. All porn participants should be viewed as disposable objects. When dumbfucks like you learn porn stars names, you are unobjectifing them—making them people and subverting the whole system.

Its counter intuitive to get so attached to a single one that you find out more about her than can be ascertained by watching her in one frame of film. There’s no depth to a porn star. Nothing unique. None of them are special. Ergo, there’s no reason to learn any of their names. Abusive fathers, overbearing parents and the foster system is constantly making more to replace the ones we are using today. There’s no need to get attached to one in particular.

I’m starting to wonder if I am the only one who knows how porn works.

Come to think of it, how do you even come to know those bitches names? That requires reading. Oh they put titles on boxes and credits list the names of people in the videos, but to obtain the information those words are conveying you have to expend energy to get it. You have to go out of your way, take your eyes of the sucking and fucking to parse what those words are saying. Then on top of that you store that information in your brain?

Sweet inter-species bukakke you are an idiot.

On second thought, I am not the gay one, you idiots who take the time averting your eyes from sex acts to read are. Me and my grandfather just don’t understand you kids today. Now get off our lawns.

Watch Me Watch

Good idea retardfuck, lets see exactly how far we can beat this into the ground. This is my reaction text to your reaction video of other people doing stuff. Hopefully someone will have an interpretative dance reaction to my reaction text to your reaction video of people doing stuff. Then, god willing, to that interpretative dance reaction of my text reaction of your video reaction of someone doing stuff another will react in song. Ad nausem until all communications in all media are reaction to others reactions to a single event way on down the reaction line.

I don’t give a fourth of a cup of burning diarrhea about what you’re reactions to certain videos are.

Actually I do. I care to not see them or even have them on the internet to fuck up my searches. No one cares. We get it, eating shit is gross and some people have visceral reactions to it. Neato. Now quit junking up my searches for that video with results that only return videos of you dumbasses reacting to the video that I can’t find to see what’s so awesome about it.

Try it, search for ‘2 girls 1 cup’. You will fucking drown in results that link to blog entries showing videos of dumbshits reacting to that video. So many in fact, that the actual video itself isn’t in the first 20 results. They are all of dickshafts who think you care to watch how much it caused them to wretch.

How much of an uncreative, talentless attention whore do you have to be to think the world wants to see a video of you watching a video?

The Calculus Of Really Fucking Disgusting

Here’s a deeply philosophical question that I don’t think has ever been posed and you might not like the answer to:

How much more money would you want to eat a turd from someone else than one of your own?

Now let’s jump past the holier than thou part of this discussion where I have to prove that yes, there is in fact an amount of money you would accept to eat a turd, regardless of its origin. We’re all whores so there is a price. Yours might be significantly higher than mine which might be significantly higher than a homeless guy’s which would be significantly higher than the 2 girls 1 cup chicks. The fact of the matter is, for the right amount of money we’d all be willing to chow down on a piece of shit.

Now, that specific amount is really immaterial to this discussion. What I want to know is once a price point has been established for you eating your own shit, is the amount of money you would want for eating another person’s crap that much different?

I don’t think so.

Obviously eating someone elses shit has got to be worse than eating your own. However, once your That’s-Fucking-Disgusting threshold has been reached everything is the same price. Eating your own shit is past that threshold. So, while eating someone elses shit is worse than eating your own shit, since they are both past your That’s-Fucking-Disgusting threshold they would effectively take the same amount of money for you to do.

Once that line is crossed everything is virtually the same price no matter how disgusting the acts are relative to another. In fact, I am certain you would suck off your dad for that same amount of money. Or kill a homeless guy. Or chop off your feet, tattoo ‘fuck niggers’ all over your face, eat at White Castle, firebomb a school or anything else past your That’s-Fucking-Disgusting threshold. All for the same amount as the least disgusting of that list.

At some point while some are far more disgusting than others, they all have the same price. They may be comparatively worse, they have the same monetary value to you. Mainly because the amount of the least disgusting one is so large.

So your price to eat your own shit is equal to your price to eat someone else’s shit is equal to your price to be video taped eating someone else’s shit is equal to your price for showing doing at that plus showing the tape to your parents. Each thing is exponentially more disgusting that the prior one, yet they are all the same amount.

Mathematically speaking, starting at That’s-Fucking-Disgusting and moving towards Infinitely-Fucking-Disgusting, the cost for you to do it remains unchanged. A corollary of that is for every person there exists a That’s-Fucking-Disgusting Constant which represents the amount of money it would take that particular individual to do anything.

Art De Mon Derriere

I use public restrooms to show my wit

Poems, drawings, etchings done as I sit.

  I think its art

  Straight from my heart

Especially the landscapes, done with shit.

But Seriously Folks…

My friends, I would like to take just one post out of this shitty plog to talk to you about something serious. Something that affects nearly all of us; a scourge on this country that we must finally confront.

In these trying times it’s on the forefront of all our minds. Something we have been silently contemplating, cursing to ourselves about but too afraid to say out loud. Well, damn it, I’m going to talk about it and I don’t care the consequences.

I’m mentioning the unmentionable, telling you your emperor has no clothes and shedding the light of day onto something we have been tiptoeing around. That’s right, I’m going there, I’m talking about bicameral legislatures of state governments. Nebraskans, you are a true role model for this country (they even split their electoral votes) and are now excused.

Bicameralism is at the forefront of our collective consciousness, but no one is brave enough to broach the subject and demand something be done. Well, I’m hear to start the discussion, light the first torches, pass out the initial pitchforks and lead you all to your state capitals to do only what mob violence can do—eliminate a chamber of your legislative branch of government. They sure as fuck ain’t going to legislate their own worthless legislative asses out of existence.

I mean really, does Idaho need a house and a senate? Wouldn’t the people of South Carolina be better off with just one set of legislators? How much in salary, pension, per diem and other costs do state senators and state representatives cost Michigan each year?

How much significantly different would our world be if every state only had one chamber of legislatures? Would babies be dying in the street? Airplanes falling out of the sky? Pestilence, plague and famine run rampant because we were all to ignorant to see the value bicameral legislatures brought us?

In the immortal words of Cedric the Entertainer, ‘Nigger please’.

I know, I know everyone likes to play grown up and pretend they are real, governments just like their role models. But there is (or at least was) a reason the Federal Government of the United states has 2 chambers—it’s to supposedly protect small states from getting buttfucked by big states. U.S. House of Representative seats get allocated by population to states, U.S. Senate seats get allocated just for being a state. Therefore, California has a shit ton more influence in the House than Wyoming, but in the Senate they have equal say. Of course, since everyone is more loyal to their party than their constituents, its really moot. My point is thought, there is or once was a reason for a bicameral federal legislature.

At the state level there’s no reason for them. Who are you going to fuck over? Are all the shit towns in Kansas going to form a power alliance and to keep all those megalomaniac farmers in check there needs to be a Kansas House of Represenatatives? Is Tennessee going to have a civil war because Knoxville, Nashville and Clarksville’s powers went unchecked when they passed laws enslaving all cities not ending in ‘–ville’?

In life, just because it is and was, doesn’t mean it should be. Let’s all do our part to eliminate worthless bicameral legislatures in our states. I now return you to your regularly scheduled shit.