Are you as excited as I am? That's right it's finally here--. If you've been a good patriot this year, paid your taxes on time and belong to a cult that does smart things like make you pretend you're eating your savior's body and drinking his blood instead of stupid cult stuff like praying in a certain direction 5 times a day; then maybe, just maybe, this year Uncle Sam will slip down your chimney and leave presents under your flagpole. Be sure to set out a plate of apple pie for him and throw down some birdseed for the eight bald eagles pulling his Humvee. Thomas Jefferson bless us everyone!
As always, porkjerky.com goes dark for 9/11 so get your fill now.

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R.I.P.->Memorializing Lacey Johnston, Rachel Persell & Lacey Hammons With Shit

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Don't Take My Word For It.
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Lacey Johnston, Rachel Persell & Lacey Hammons

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A Lesson You Can't Learn The Hardway

Don't pass cars by swerving into oncoming traffic (Lacey L. Johnston). No matter how much of a hurry you are to get to somewhere, the afterlife excluded, take your time and allow the car in front of you to complete its turn, then feel free to stomp on the gas like a mad man/woman/shitty teen driver to impress/endanger the people who are stupid enough to get in a car with you (Rachel M. Persell). The people in the other lane (Lacey J. Hammons) will thank you. And no shit eating dumbass (Jason Curless) (Hey look ma, my name's in parenthesis -- I finally made it) will show up to marvel at the wonderous trash that was left as a monument to your shitty driving.

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You're 100% right--Violence solves a lot of problems. Of course its best to first threaten and graphically explain said violence. Use jason@porkjerky.com to start the process on me.