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Omniscience->Porkjerky.com Financial Freedom Plan

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Avoid Foreclosure, Collections, Bankruptcy
Jason Curless: Smarter, Attractiver, And A Whole Lot Richer Than You

The Porkjerky.com Super Happy Good
Financial Liberty A+ #1 Best Plan

After reading endless accounts of poor, poor souls who had guns held to their balls forcing them to take out mortgages they couldn't afford, understand or even spell; my heart began to break. Then I heard story after story of how heroic people were inspired by basic cable programs to open up their hearts, help their communities and get rich quick by taking out interest only loans to flip houses, but couldn't sell them because everyone decided to do it, my soul started to cry a little. I almost completely lost my belief in mankind when I heard that all those lenders actually expected to be paid back.

What kind of world do we live in that would let this travesty happen? I don't think its too early in history, this problem or this page to mention that this is the single worst event ever. Far more worser than the holocaust multipled by 9/11 raised to the power of AIDS.

Worksheet #1: Monthly Necessity Expenditures
Food/Transportation/Utilities: $   Premium Cable/Pay Per View/Netflix: $
Cell Service/Ringtones/Texting: $   Abortions/Childcare: $
Bail/Fines/Lawyers: $   Jewelry/Tattoos/Brandings: $
Beer/Cigarettes/Lap Dances: $   Public Storage: $
Child Support Garnishment: $   NASCAR Tickets/Paraphenalia: $
Lottery/Powerball/Bar Bets: $   Nails/Hair/Tanning: $

Submit


For each of the above categories, fill in your monthly expenses, then click the 'Submit' button. This will calculate how much you need each month just to survive.

Luckily, I am not the kind of person to just sit in my attic, write a diary and hope Japan will attack Hawaii so the U.S. government will get off its ass and do something about this travesty. So, I decided to develop the The Porkjerky.com Super Happy Good Financial Liberty A+ #1 Best Plan that will allow you to avoid foreclosure, avoid bankruptcy, bring your back-child support current, pay off your title loan, get your stuff out of hock and help you stop reeking of the debt you are drowning in.

Worksheet #2: Debt Balances
Interest Only Mortgage: $   Home Equity Loan: $
Pawn Shop: $   Credit Card #1: $
Consolodation Loan: $   Credit Card #2: $
Flip Property Mortgage: $   Credit Card #3: $
Humvee Loan: $   Credit Card #4: $
Humvee Title Loan: $   Credit Cards #5-10: $
Payday Loan: $   Credit Cards #11-20: $
Back Taxes: $   Credit Cards #21+: $

Submit


Enter your current balances for each type of debt you have. Click the 'Submit' button to total them then proceed to Worksheet #3 where you get your personalized financial plan.

Hopefully you were able to take a hint and fill in the preceding worksheets. If not, go back to the first one, enter your information and work through them to customize your personalized financial plan guaranteed to work.

Worksheet #3: Personalized Financial Plan
Monthly Expenses (Worksheet #1): $
Total Debt (Worksheet #2): $
Frequency Of Your Income:
Income Amount: $

Submit


Input your income to the above form, then click the 'Submit' button. Based on your unique situation a detailed Financial Plan guaranteed to work will be generated for you. You're welcome in advance.

The Porkjerky.com Super Happy Good Financial Liberty A+ #1 Best Plan is a simple system. So simple in fact it has only one easy step:

Step 1:     Pay Your Fucking Bills You Cocksucking Piece Of Shit Thief Motherfucker™.

It's That Simple!

All you have to do is pay for the shit you said you were going to. I know, ingenious. That's what I am here for; to give compassionate, well-reasoned advice to guide you through these troubled times. Now I realize there are some of you are extra fucking retarded, so let me break it down further with a sub-step to help you:

Step 1a:     Get A Fucking Job You Cocksucking Piece Of Shit Thief Motherfucker™.

It's That Simple!

Ok, now here's where it gets tricky. You take the money from your job and don't blow it on cell phone minutes, NASCAR tickets, XBOX 360 games, nor beer. You go to the 1st step of my program ('Pay Your Fucking Bills...'™) and follow it. That's it. Now wash, rinse repeat until your no longer a piece of shit human drain on society. Its that simple.

Below are real life scenarios and how you should apply the The Porkjerky.com Super Happy Good Financial Liberty A+ #1 Best Plan to them:

Plan Examples:
  1. A collector calls asking you to pay your VISA bill. Using the plan this is how you handle that call: You tell them you will pay them, then you fucking pay them you cocksucking piece of shit thief motherfucker.

    It's That Simple!

  2. You get a note tacked to your door saying your utilities will be turned off in 24 hours unless you pay them so much money. Here's how to handle this situation and avoid having your utilities shut off: Pay that fucking bill withing 24 hours you cocksucking piece of shit thief motherfucker.

    It's That Simple!

  3. You knocked up some cunt 4 times over and some dickhead judge expects you to pay $75 per child per month to feed and clothe the little bastards. Ok, now this one requires some math, so it gets a little tricky. You take $75 and multiply it by 4 to get the total amount...Nevermind, let me just tell you that the answer is $300 per month that your ass owes for kids. So, what you would need to do in this instance is pay 300 fucking dollars a month you horny, deadbeat, non-pulling out piece of trash.

    It's That Simple!

  4. 3 years ago your number came up, or at least 5 out of 6 of them did and you won $10,000 in the lottery. Some prick lottery guy gave you a form to sign to withhold a couple grand for taxes, but you told him he could shove it up his faggot ass and to give you all that you got coming. Good for you. Unfortunately, that dickshaft, pursuant to the law, reported your winnings to the government and those shitbags want their cut now. So, let me give you some advice with dealing with back taxes-- Pay them you stupid twat.

    It's That Simple!

  5. Hey dickfuck, I think I made it pretty clear already--pay your fucking bills. No more examples, just get to it you cocksucking piece of shit thief motherfucker.

    It's That Simple!

But hey, its not like you have even an ounce of shame to start with, so why worry? Hell, if you had even a sliver of pride you would take out a life insurance policy, name your creditors as beneficiaries and pay your debts to them by sucking the lead out of a gun. But we all know cocksucking thieves like you have no pride nor shame.

Now, shut that thieving, cocksucker mouth of yours because I know what you are going to say '...but jason, you see unforeseen circumstance came up in my life where...'. Hey cuntface, I told you to hold the bullshit rationale for you thinking that being a cocksucking piece of shit thief motherfucker was ok. I don't give a fifth of a cum covered cow turd what your circumstances are. Neither does anybody else. You made a promise, you broke a promise and worse than anything you financially gained from it. I am no chemist, but I am sure that equation yields a cocksucking piece of shit thief motherfucker.

Next thing you know you won't be able to get a whore, cut her arms and legs off and throw her torso in the local river. Does anyone remember what our forefathers fought and died for?