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If any of the below sections contain a picture of me, then there is audio of a stage performance available. To listen, simply click on the picture near the joke you want to hear and hope your on a computer so old and crappy it has RealAudio player.

Mathematics

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Girls love to be told lies. Somehow it turns them on. Ugly chicks liked to be called pretty/attractive. Women want to be told that they are, what they are not. Fat girls like to be called buxom, voluptuous or have a nice figure. It works for everyone of them. If you want to get with a stripper: Just tell them they are smart.

It works for all girls.

It's all about telling them lies. I just don't do it, I can't play that game of lies.

"You look pretty. How was your day? Let's watch Bridges of Madison County together. I want to spend 'quality time' with you. Blah blah blah. Your hair is nice. Your not that fat. Your pussy doesn't stink."

No, not me. I don't play that lie game to get them in bed. And that's why I never get laid. I am too honest. Some of my friends have used that they won the Stanley Cup playing quarterback for the Chicago Cubs to get laid. And it worked.

They want to be lied to, to have sex with them. Not me, I tell girls the truth---I'm a pisspoor comedian who works at a bank and has a math degree. Now how many girls are wet at that statement? Yeah, not that many. Not a lot of girls call their friends to brag about how well a math major gave it to them over the weekend.

"Oh, my god, Tiffany. Yeah it's Becky. You will never guess what happened to me this weekend. I had sex with Jason Curless. He's a math major. Oh yeah, and you know what they say about math majors? Yeah and believe me its all true. Now I know what your thinking every guy we meet says he's a math major to get into our pants--because that's where we keep our vagini, but this guy had the diploma to back it up. Yeah, summa cum laude. No, it wasn't an associates; it was a full four year degree from a crappy private school. Oh yeah, I got a keeper. I'm holding onto this one Tiff-and let me tell you he was Summa Cum Laude all night long. He earned that degree if you know what I mean. He pied my r squared. Oh my god guys with math degrees just get me so wet. I know I am stereotyping, but guys with math degrees are all just so good in bed. And it just wasn't the way he fucked me either.

"Oh my god the way he ate my pussy, it was like he was working out differential equations on my clit, I swear to god I came twice before he finished the integral sign. This guy was so good. He moved my decimal point two digits to the left."

I seriously doubt if a conversation even remotely similar to that one has ever taken place.

Threesome

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I'm like most guys, I accidentally do the wrong thing in bed every now and then. I think every guy has done this right? You're in bed with your soulmate, the woman you have pledged your undying love to, the woman who you want to spend the rest of your life with and another woman.

Possibly her sister. Or a hooker. Maybe a slut you found at a bar. Or maybe just some tramp of off the internet. And you three are making sweet beautiful love and you get caught up in the emotional and romance of the moment, because you're a man and we do these things. And accidentally, accidentally, through no fault of your own, and because of the deep emotions you are feeling for the two women gratifying you, you accidentally scream out a third girl's name. Boy you're in deep shit then.

How do threesomes even work? Well, yeah duh. What I mean is the logistics of it all. How to you end up where you end up? How do you decide who goes where? With a two guy 3 some there has got to be a lot of fighting for the glory hole. How do you decide who gets what? Do you flip a coin, play rock/scissors/paper for beaver side seats? Or is it like, "Awww come on Jim, you got the golden gulch last time. I always get the bow. Give me a shot at the stern. You take the bow for once. I am tired of being first mate. I want to captain this love ship--There's no 'I' in threesome. Come on be a team player, let's pass the pussy around. Jeez, Jim your just a vagina hog, that's all there is too it."

Or is it like ladies choice, "Ok, you here, you there. No fighting; just fucking. Bow, stern who cares? We will all be fine...just stay off the poop deck."

Cock Name

My girlfriend told me that I should think of a name for my wing wang, my lil guy, my tallywacker, my phallus. You know, my make myself go blind rod. So, I asked my friends if this was normal, turns out they are way ahead of me.

Craig, his is 'Anaconda'. Tom's is know as 'The Sperminator'. Jim simply calls his 'Thor'. And I know this couple, Larry and Ed, that use the term 'Dueling Banjoes" when refering to theirs. Which isn't that great until look behind the curtain and see how they use it.

When they are out with people and they want some of the good stuff, of course when you both have ding-dongs and nobody has a hoo-ha I don't know exactly what the good stuff entails, but whenever one of them wants that and they are out in public he can't just go, "Hey, lets go home so we can stick our peni in each others ani".

They can't say that. So what they do is say that they have to leave because they have to go practice their "Dueling Banjoes" routine. And that's their little code for it. So they use the term "Dueling Banjos" like a little secret code for sex when they are with people and no one has a clue. Then, then, they go home and...ummm.. they...make...sweet beautiful...gay...love...I suppose. Of course, I don't know the difference between ordinary gay love and sweet beautiful gay love, but I know both Larry and Ed quite well, and I would make an educated guess that the gay love that they make would not be ordinary gay love, but would tend toward the sweet beautiful end of the gay lovemaking spectrum. Whatever that may entail. Or so I assume.

The point is, what they do with their cock's names is awesome. They have something that they can use as a code for sex in public. That's pretty clever, so I wanted a name that was badass like 'Thor', but could also be sued as a code for booty calling.

So, what I did. Oh this is awesome. The name I chose, ah man this is so clever, I'm so damn proud of myself. What I did is...my pet name for my Johnson, my member, my shaft and glans, my funstick, my "wiener" if you will. I, oh this is so kick ass cool, I nicknamed it, ah man I'm so smart and witty, get this I named it 'My Cock'. Get it? 'My Cock'?

Yeah, it even has a latin root that means "male genitalia". So that's pretty clever in and of itself. It gets better though. I can use it as a code. When my girlfriend and I are out with people and I want the good stuff, and I know what the good stuff is with her. When I want that, aww man, this is really clever, I say to her "We should get going. Stacy's gotta suck 'My Cock' real hard tonight"

And nobody has a clue. Because its our secret code. The people we are with have no clue that I want Stacy to felate me. They hear "suck my cock" and they have no clue that:

"'my cock'? What is that? I have no idea what Jason and Stacy are doing, but it involves his cock. Whatever that may be."

You see 'My Cock' is my code for my ding-a-ling, pretty clever huh? Only her and I know about it, everyone else isn't in on it, they don't have a clue. It's so awesome. Then we go home and I jerk off. So, its not perfect, it still has its bugs, little flaws in the system we are trying to work out, but other than that its pretty cool huh?

Brain Man

Some guys are leg men, some guys are breast men. Then there are guys like me. I am not hung up on how a girls backside looks in jeans, or her cup size. I'm not that shallow. I know that to be happy in the long run it takes more than tits and ass to make me happy. I want a girl who can make me happy for a long time, not just one night. That's why I call myself a brain man. Maybe I am different, because of it. So be it. I would rather be a brain man and be different and happy in the long run, then like every typical guy who's just interested in ass and chest and one night stands.

Boobs lose their perk. Butts sag and get fat, but a brain; a brain is something you can build a relationship on. So I don't care who laughs at me for being different, because I am a brain man. Of course, I use the word "brain" in a way different than most peolpe do. When I say brain what I really mean a big wet hairy pussy with a clit that runs the gauntlet and is thick as a dictionary. So I am different. I'm a brain man. And I don't care who knows it. Mock me if you want, but I am a brain man.

Oh, and of course, I also like her to have some nice huge elbows to shoot my load on, if you know what I mean. Of course when I say "elbows" I obviously meant some enormous hooters with nipples the size of hubcaps. And of course, when I said "shoot my load on", I mean to pull off my pants, and jerk off while I take a shit.

So maybe I am not that different. I guess I am just like every other guy who is searching for true love.

In moderation; cell phones, Zimas and improper lane changes can make driving fun.