My Unauthorized Autobiography|
Jason Curless: I'm Just Better Than You
My website and all material on it is loosely based on events that never happened to me. For example, when I first sat down and decided to become so great, my wife of 3 weeks; Mandy, or is it Marsha? Maybe its Mary. Anyway, the fat blonde lady that sucked me off behind the Waffle House on our first date and keeps using the term star-crossed souls and threatens my bunnies if I ever even think of leaving her, she says to me, "Jason, if you--".
I cut her off before she finished and said, "I know your talking to me, I know my own name, Melissa, you don't need to use it in the sentence."
She countered, "Jason, I wasn't done--".
To which I iterated, "I know your talking to me, I know my own name Michelle, you don't need to use it in the sentence."
This comment made her quite hostile and she snorted at me, in a rather high pitched tone which is a common vocal quality of hostile fat blonde girls who felate their dates behind greasy spoons and are named Melanie, "Quit doing that--Jason!!"
Of course, without missing a beat, I reiterated, "I know your talking to me, I know my own name Mindy, you don't need to use it in the sentence."
Now you might be asking yourself, "What did that have to do with the price of tea in China?" And, if you seriously were thinking that you're a sad, sad, pathetic fuck of a person. It's bad enough that the majority of people talk in cliches, but you actually think in them. Please kill yourself and any offspring you may have. Evolution isn't pretty, but please help the rest of us out by ending the reproduction of your inferior genes you unoriginal, unthinking piece of crap.
Anywho, the primary purpose of the previous paragraph (try saying that 3 times fast. No really, go ahead. Its in writing, you won't miss a thing. Work through this at your own pace). The primary purpose of the previous paragraph (told you its difficult); nay, my entire body of creative work (as well as the reason I believe the good allah put me on this earth) is to use the word reiterate correctly and show you how to too.
Reiterate does not simply mean, "to repeat". Let me iterate that. Reiterate does not simply mean, "to repeat". Let me reiterate that. Reiterate does not simply mean, "to repeat". For the love of the baby mohammed, you can't reiterate something you haven't iterated. It's a medical fact.
Enough of the free iteration lessons. Back to the fat, blonde irate Marion lady that was in my house for some odd reason. Finally she gets around to saying, "If you think you can create a website, then you're crazy."
I replied, "I can do that. I am not crazy."
She knew I was correct because she tried to change the subject by saying, "That's true. Now take the bra off your head, get that frozen turkey away from your pelvis and quit eating my mascara, Jason."
To which I replied, no wait, I didnt reply because right after she finished that sentence her electric toothbrush that I was gently shoving up my urethra shorted out and I was knocked unconcious for about 5 hours. The next thing I remember was Minnie, splashing cold water on my face and saying "Jason, are you alright?" Which made me jump up and start an argument.
The main point of this bio is to fill this page with words. By doing so the white space on this page will be minimal. You see, its very important that the total amount of white space on a page is limited. This is because, long, long ago when I was just a zygote I said to myself, of course the following conversation would have been in Zygotese, so something may be lost in the translation, so please bear with me. I said to myself, "Jason, why not tell stories about things that didn't happen to you, help people mock their dead loved ones, encourage people to unregister to vote and teach dumbasses how to use the word reitirate correctly all the while minimizing the amount of white space on all the pages you ever write".
To which I replied to myself, "I know your talking to me, I know my own name is Jason, you dont need to use it in the sentence."Then I put a bra on my head, ate some mascara, defrosted a turkey in my own special way and went to sleep.
Ahhh the memories, they are just coming back to me now, and now they can be yours too. Share the gift of Porkjerky.com with your friends and god bless.