R.I.P.->Eulogizing Christy Handley With Garbage

Please don't let the statements below or on any of these pages or the newspaper articles supporting them, get in your way of thinking I am the dick. People shouldn't question religious symbolism beside a roadway. There is no need to find out the true story of how the person actually died. In fact, to do so would make you a horrible person. We should just drive by and know that the person who the crosses are there for was born of a virgin, committed no sins in their lifetime and upon their death sprouted a halo and wings. So, remember, no matter Christy Handley's blood alcohol content or the speed with which she was driving; she was a saint. And I am a puppy-stomping, baby smothering, shit-throwing monster for even thinking otherwise.

Ok, that felt good. Let's begin.

On January 16th 2003 at 3 a.m. (wait that's got to be a typo, I must have meant 'p.m.'), 19 year old Christy Handley rolled her 1999 Mustang and died. According to investigators, excessive speed and alcohol (probably another typo on my part, her being 19 and all) probably contributed to the crash.

Here's the part that callouses my cock, her mother lobbied to have that stretch of highway declared the "Chrissy Handley Miracle Highway". She also faults the DOT in her daugther's death because the lack of guard rails and jagged rocks made it an unsafe area to roll your Mustang in the wee hours of the morning while driving god knows how fast and under the influence of god knows what. Fuck me in the ass with my own dick.

Wait, don't puke yet, there's more. She also believes that miracles have occured from her daughter's death. Like what you ask? Good question with a fucking nutcase of an answer: People passed out roses around town with Handley's name on it; Someone tipped really big at Denny's, (seriously, I am starting to think I am making this shit up. But, I am not, I have sources: Artlcle of her death, mother's letter to paper, poem by Chrissy.), and Someone who looked sad was talked to at the mall.

Is anyone else counting? Because that's 3 miracles. Call the pope, she can now officially become a saint. While you're at it see if its possible for him to ex-communicate or declare a jihad against me, because after all, I am the one who is the asshole for finding all that out.