Are you as excited as I am? That's right it's finally here--. If you've been a good patriot this year, paid your taxes on time and belong to a cult that does smart things like make you pretend you're eating your savior's body and drinking his blood instead of stupid cult stuff like praying in a certain direction 5 times a day; then maybe, just maybe, this year Uncle Sam will slip down your chimney and leave presents under your flagpole. Be sure to set out a plate of apple pie for him and throw down some birdseed for the eight bald eagles pulling his Humvee. Thomas Jefferson bless us everyone!
As always, porkjerky.com goes dark for 9/11 so get your fill now.

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R.I.P.->Eulogizing Cory S. G. With Litter

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Cory S. G.

Big Mouth Billy Bass

Jesus assfucking christ. I take it all fucking back. I was wrong. I repent. I owe apologies to tons of people because I will be god damned if this doesn't tastefully memorialize Cory S. G. Oh yeah, I was fucking wrong this whole time, but now thanks to your landfill, I have seen the light. Roadside memorials honorably commemorate individuals and immeasurably enhance the community. What an error I have made.

At first glance you would think that a bus full of toddlers rolled down that hill and squashed a legion of picnicking grandmothers. But no, Turdville was made for just one fatality. And the motherfuckers didn't even leave me a last name so I could look up how Cory S. G. became such a worthy martyr.

When I come across shit temples like this it amazes me that there are people who are amazed at products like The Big Mouth Billy Bass being so succesful in america. Seeing how this nation misplaces so much time and effort shittily memorializing our dead loved ones, it should just make perfect sense that as a whole, we are also going to buy a couple million motion activated fake fish to mount on our walls to have serenade us with "Don't Worry Be Happy". It just makes sense.

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You're 100% right--Violence solves a lot of problems. Of course its best to first threaten and graphically explain said violence. Use jason@porkjerky.com to start the process on me.