var ROOT="http://www.porkjerky.com/";
function show_popup(p)
// generates pop up, p is number of popup to use
{var site="sidsprevention.com";
var pic="ca";
var caption="Medical Fact Some Babies Want To Die";
switch(p)
// sets which popup to show, based on which one they saw last
{case 1: site="drinkyoohoo.com";
caption="It Sure Ain't Gonna Drink Itself";
pic="yh";
break;
case 2: site="plannedparenthood.org";
pic="pp";
caption="The Expensive Alternative To Coat Hangers";
break;
case 3: site="wvturnpike.com";
pic="wv";
caption="It's Like The Interstate, But Not Free";
break;
}
var win = window.open("", "win", "width=330,height=360");
win.document.open("text/html", "replace");
win.document.write("Man, I Fucking Hate Pop-up Ads");
win.document.write("");
win.document.write("![\"\"](\"")
");
win.document.write("");
win.document.write("");
win.document.write("
");
win.document.write(site + "
");
win.document.write("\"" + caption + "\"");
win.document.write("
");
win.document.write("
");
win.document.close();
// writes html to browser for popup
}
function viewingpage() {alert("You are already viewing this page. \n\nQuit being such a fat chick fucker and pay attention.");}
// when they click to go to the page they are viewing
function fakelink(n)
// displays prompt box with message when clicks on fake link, n is number of the fake to use
{note="Dumbass";
switch(n)
{case 0: note="Yeah, I have a fucking blog. \n\nIt\'s where I write my poetry, share my experiences ";
note+="of being co-captain of the drill team, fantasize about marrying Carson Daly, ask for ";
note+="advice about living with my new step-mom and regal all with wonderous anecdotes ";
note+="of my adorably mischeivous cats, Ms. Bootsy and Tigger.\n\nYou dick licking dumbfuck. ";
note+="It\'s clicking on links like that, that\'s gonna get you redirected to a she-male porn site.";
note+="\n\nHowever, for day to day happenings of my bowels in 2009, please go to ";
note+="www.porkjerky.com/plog";
break;
case 1: note="Log In? To what? This piece of shit site? Holy fuck you have low standards. Listen up ";
note+="\'garfield69\', if that\'s in fact your real screen name. There is no Gold Level Porkjerky ";
note+="Membership that gets you some mildly funny stuff. No Platinum Level Porkjerky Club ";
note+="with some real hilarious shit. Sorry, nutsack; but this is it. \n\nNow get back with the ";
note+="rest of the herd and click on real links.";
break;
case 2: note="What the fuck do you think you are registering for? And why? You don\'t get enough ";
note+="spam? Trying to confirm your status as a needy douchebag by belonging to ";
note+="everything possible? I think you\'re just in search of acceptance and inclusion from ";
note+="anywhere you can get it\n\nWell news flash Mr. Pathetic -- Fuck off. I am sorry you ";
note+="weren\'t breastfed, or that your dad walked out on you at an early age, or for those ";
note+="naughty touches you did or did not receive, or whatever you blame your miserable life ";
note+="on, but there is nothing her to register for. Maybe Ebay has some pride for sale.";
break;
case 3: note="Holy fucking fuck. You were joking right? Maybe your wrist slipped and your finger ";
note+="convulsed at the same time causing you to click on that link. Because I really, really, ";
note+="really, really motherfucking really, hope you don\'t think that I have a guestbook and ";
note+="that you actually want to sign it.\n\nJesus Cocksucking Christ. What is this 1997? Are ";
note+="we both in 6th grade?\n\nIf you click on stupid shit like that again, I swear to Allah that I ";
note+="will load some kiddie porn in your internet cache. Maybe that will supress your urge to ";
note+="give shout outs.";
break;
case 4: note="Oh, you poor, misguided eater of shit. Where did you get the idea that I want to hear ";
note+="what you have to say? Or anybody else does for that matter? Nobody gives half a ";
note+="slimy turd about anything that you or any other myspace loser has to say about anything. ";
note+="It's a medical fact. \n\nNow piss off, back to your blog and inform the world how this has ";
note+="affected your current mood.";
break;
case 5: note="What paranoid pussy actually seeks out privacy policies to read them? Guess what, ";
note+="because you are such a stupid, anal fuck I am going to institute a privacy policy just for ";
note+="you. \n\nI reserve the right to gather as much information about you that I can. I further ";
note+="reserve the right to use that information to hunt you down and make you watch me rape ";
note+="one of your pets. At my discretion I may or may not record said event for future use on this ";
note+="site. If this privacy policy should change, I promise to make you aware of if by carving the ";
note+="changes with a razor blade on your forehead. \n\nSimply by viewing these terms you ";
note+="agree to them, douchefuck.";
break;
case 6: note="Oh you warty, ignorant cunt. Good or bad--I don't give half an aborted baby about what you think.";
note+="\n\nNobody, not even someone as altruistic and charitable as I am, relishes unsolicited opinions, ";
note+="especially yours. What a self-righteous dickshaft.";
note+="\n\nClose this message box, browse away from my site, never come back and try to stop ";
note+="burdening people you interact with in the real world everyday with the task of pretending to listen ";
note+="and care about your worthless opinions. ";
note+="\n\nIf by chance you're my biological mother and are ready to apologize, my email can be found at the " ;
note+="bottom of the R.I.P. section of this site. And it better be a really fucking good apology with lots of crying ";
note+="and cash.";
break;
case 10: note="There\'s a reason why 24 year old virgins get stoned to death in most cultures around the ";
note+="world.\n\nYou seriously wanted to view the XML/RSS feed to this page? Holy mother of ";
note+="rotten twat you\'re a failure at life.\n\nWouldn\'t your time be better spent learning to ";
note+="conjugate all the irregular verbs in the vulcan language? Or memorizing pi to another 15 ";
note+="digits? You could always let your dress sweats out a couple of inches or clean the fuzz ";
note+="out of all the velcro in your wardrobe. You know, that alternate ending to Star Wars you\'ve ";
note+="been working on still isn\'t finished. And your little sister isn\'t gonna finger bang herself as ";
note+="she sleeps, someones gotta do it.\n\nSweet bags of cherry scented douche you\'re weak. ";
note+="XML/RSS? Dude, not cool. Not cool at all. Please put that stubby, never touched a boob, ";
note+="cheese resin covered hand of yours on your Logitech MX 700 Cordless Optical Mouse and ";
note+="direct your Opera Browser to another site. You're not welcome here any longer.";
break;
case 11: note="Facebook? Holy cunt clots you are stupid. Here's an SAT association for you Professor ";
note+="Assfuck: \n\nFacebook is to ______; as Hepatitis is to AIDS\n\nThe correct answer is d). ";
note+="MySpace. You are essentially an uppity retard, the Down Syndrome kid who wins the 100 ";
note+="yard dash at the Special Olympics and then talks shit about how great you are. \n\nDo not ";
note+="put any of my work on Facebook or link to it from there or even use the words 'face', book' ";
note+="or 'porkjerky' in the same day or I will slap you with a Cease and Desist Suit and then my ";
note+="shit covered cock after I fuck your grandfather in his ass.";
break;
case 12: note="The operating system encountered an error while trying to access the printer:\n\nError ";
note+="#7909: External system has locked the printer's functionality. \n\nPursuant to U.S. Public ";
note+="Law 107-56, 115 Stat. 272 (Patriot Act) an automated search of the storage media attached ";
note+="to this electronic device discovered possible questionable material. The results of the search ";
note+="are currently being reviewed for a determination of the legality of the material found. During ";
note+="this time all output from this electronic device is suspended.\n\nFor futher information ";
note+="contact: 202 324 3000";
break;
case 13: note="Fuck you.\n\nDo not, I repeat, fuck you, do not change the fonts on this page--they are ";
note+="perfect. Like I am going to waste my time so cum snorting idiotards like you can change ";
note+="the font on a page with one click of your mouse instead of the 2 clicks you have to do it in ";
note+="now. I reiterate, fuck you. You nearsighted, lazy piece of Amish shit, get some glasses, ";
note+="have some one read it to you or learn how to work your fucking browser. ";
break;
case 100: note="You are already viewing this page. \n\nQuit being such a fat chick fucker and pay attention.";
break;
}
alert(note);
return false;
}
function pagetool(linktype, pagename)
// shows pop up and lets them email link or create one for the page they are viewing
{var lurl=location.href;
lurl=lurl.replace(/&/g,"~");
loc=ROOT + "sys/pagetools/pagetool.php?ltype=" + linktype + "&lurl=" + lurl + "&lpage=" + pagename;
window.open(loc,'linker','width=450,height=480,scrollbars=no,resizable=yes,toolbar=no,directories=no,location=no,menubar=no,status=no');
return false;
}
function click_viewingpage()
// when they click to go to the page they are viewing
{alert("You're already viewing this page. \n\nQuit being such a fat chick fucker and pay attention.");
return false;
}
function show_menunote(item)
// used for mouseover effect of menu, shows description of what they hover over
{note=" ";
switch(item)
{case 0: note="Chronological Listing Of All The Turds I Have Added To This Shitpile Site"; break;
case 1: note="Takes You To A Random Page Within Porkjerky.com"; break;
case 2: note="Necrophilia Protection, Resignation Letters, Suicide Notes, Anti-Spam..."; break;
case 3: note="Gallery Of Roadside Crosses I Have Trampled Through"; break;
case 4: note="Spoken By God, Proven By Scientists, Carved Into HTML By The Prophet Jason"; break;
case 5: note="An Obviously Fake Link"; break;
case 6: note="Specific Examples Of How & Why I Am More Importanter Than You"; break;
// menu items above, tools below
case 20: note="Spam Someone With A Link To This Page"; break;
case 21: note="Create A Link To This Page To Post Somewhere"; break;
case 22: note="Takes You To The Main Page Of Porkjerky.com"; break;
case 23: note="Translates And Makes This Page 718% More Hilarious/Annoying"; break;
}
document.getElementById("mnote").innerHTML = note;
return false;
}