var ROOT="http://www.porkjerky.com/";					// base directory of site--used for linking
var PJLINK=ROOT + "gizmos/pjlink.php?src=";					// where they get sent if using link of a gizmo

var freeclicks=0;								// number of clicks before epithet generator sends them to my site

var admsg="So Funny You'll Puke porkjerky.com";					// default message in picture
var adnum=Math.round(Math.random()*5); 					// random number that selects fake ad to display
offfake= new Image();							// creates and sets the image for the fake ad
offfake.src=ROOT + "gizmos/bannerads/banner" + adnum + ".gif";			// source of picture of fake ad
onfake = new Image()							// creates and sets image for mouseover fake ad
onfake.src=ROOT + "gizmos/bannerads/bannermsg.cgi?msg=" + admsg;		// source of underneath message 

tapos=0;									// position of text ads, 0-show ads 0-2, 1-show ads 1-3, 2-show ads 2-4
var ta_id=0;								// used to differentiate between multiple text ads on same page 
adtouse=new Array();							// holds the numbers of the 5 ads that will be used
tatitle=new Array();								// array to hold text ad titles
tabody=new Array();							// array to hold text ad body text
talink=new Array();								// array to hold text ad links


    //	++++++++++++++++++	CONFIGURATION DATA  ABOVE		++++++++++++++++++
    //	++++++++++++++++++	SYSTEM FUNCTIONS  BELOW		++++++++++++++++++

function randomval(n)
    // generates a random number from 0-n
	{limit=n*1+1;
	rvret=(Math.random()*parseInt(limit)).toFixed(0);
	if (rvret==limit) rvret=0;
	return rvret*1;
	}

    //	++++++++++++++++++	SYSTEM FUNCTIONS  ABOVE		++++++++++++++++++
    //	++++++++++++++++++	SIMILE FUNCTIONS  BELOW			++++++++++++++++++


function load_smgen()
	{++freeclicks;	
	if (freeclicks>=15)
    // if used it 15 times redirects user to my site
		{document.getElementById("smspot").innerHTML = "<br>I tried to warn you.  Now I'm going to redirect you like something that gets redirected.";
		setTimeout("window.location=\"" + PJLINK + "5\";", 800);
		}
	else if (freeclicks==10) 
    // warns user to go to my site if clicked 10 times
		{showsm="That's like 10 similes you've viewed. Go to the <a href=\"" + PJLINK + "5\" ";
		showsm+="style=\"color: #FFFF00;\">Porkjerky.com Simile Generator</a> already.";
		document.getElementById("smspot").innerHTML = showsm;
		}
	else document.getElementById("smspot").innerHTML = make_simile();	
	} 
function get_smprefix(pjprefix)
    // randomly gets prefix to simile, pjprefix determines if it is used in the mobile version
	{var smpre="";
	var smpretype=randomval(2);
	if (smpretype==1) smpre="as ";
    // determins form of prefix, 0-'is gay like', 1-'as gay as', 2-'gayer than'
	var mrn=49;
	if (pjprefix==1)
    // determines if to limit prefix to those used for the gizmo
		{mrn=18;
		if (smpretype==0) smpretype=2;
		}
	var rn=randomval(mrn);
	if (typeof pjprefix != "undefined") 
    // if pjprefix is a string it uses it as the adjective
		{if (pjprefix.length>1) rn=mrn + 1;
		}
	switch(rn)
    // selects adjective, if smpretype=2 uses comparative one
		{case 0:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more kick-ass" : smpre+="kick-ass";		break;
		case 1:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more amazing" : smpre+="amazing";		break;
		case 2:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more confusing" : smpre+="confusing";		break;
		case 3:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more fabulous" : smpre+="fabulous";		break;
		case 4:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="gayer" : smpre+="gay";			break;
		case 5:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="funner" : smpre+="fun";			break;
		case 6:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more retardeder" : smpre+="retarded";		break;
		case 7:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more horrible" : smpre+="horrible";		break;
		case 8:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="funnier" : smpre+="funny";			break;
		case 9:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="less awesome" : smpre+="awesome";		break;
		case 10:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more entertaining" : smpre+="entertaining";	break;
		case 11:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more mediocre" : smpre+="mediocre";		break;
		case 12:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more exciting" : smpre+="exciting";		break;
		case 13:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more fascinating" : smpre+="fascinating";	break;
		case 14:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more worthless" : smpre+="worthless";		break;
		case 15:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="better" : smpre+="great";			break;
		case 16:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more inspirational" : smpre+="inspiring";		break;
		case 17:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more awkward" : smpre+="awkward";		break;
		case 18:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more stupider" : smpre+="stupid";		break;
		case 19:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more genius" : smpre+="genius";		break;
		case 20:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more pathetic" : smpre+="pathetic";		break;
    // ones used in porkjerky.com gizmo above, below are general use ones
		case 21:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="less erotic" : smpre+="erotic";			break;
		case 22:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more boner-inducing" : smpre+="boner-inducing";	break;
		case 23:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more revolting" : smpre+="disgusting";		break;
		case 24:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="less intelligent" : smpre+="intelligent";		break;
		case 25:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more divine" : smpre+="divine";		break;
		case 26:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="sweeter" : smpre+="sweet";			break;
		case 27:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more delicious" : smpre+="delicious";		break;
		case 28:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="smarter" : smpre+="smart";			break;
		case 29:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="less popular" : smpre+="popular";		break;
		case 30:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more romantic" : smpre+="romantic";		break;
		case 31:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="less heavenly" : smpre+="heavenly";		break;
		case 32:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="hornier" : smpre+="horny";			break;
		case 33:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more well-adjusted" : smpre+="well-adjusted";	break;
		case 34:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="sadder" : smpre+="sad";			break;
		case 35:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="less normal" : smpre+="normal";		break;
		case 36:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more successful" : smpre+="successful";	break;
		case 37:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="less attractive" : smpre+="attractive";		break;
		case 38:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more confused" : smpre+="confused";		break;
		case 39:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more serious" : smpre+="serious";		break;
		case 40:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more insane" : smpre+="insane";		break;
		case 41:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="prouder" : smpre+="proud";			break;
		case 42:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="calmer" : smpre+="calm";			break;
		case 43:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more in love" : smpre+="in love";		break;
		case 44:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more dangerous" : smpre+="dangerous";	break;
		case 45:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="happier" : smpre+="happy";			break;
		case 46:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more nervous" : smpre+="nervous";		break;
		case 47:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more upset" : smpre+="upset";		break;
		case 48:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more out of place" : smpre+="out of place";	break;
		case 49:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more faggoty" : smpre+="faggoty";		break;
    // above are system used adjective, below is user defined adjective
		case 50:	(smpretype == 2) ? smpre+="more " + pjprefix : smpre+=pjprefix;		break;
		}
	if (smpretype==0) smpre+=" like";
	if (smpretype==1) smpre+=" as";
	if (smpretype==2) smpre+=" than";
    // adds end of prefix type, 0-'is gay like', 1-'as gay as', 2-'gayer than'
	return smpre;
	}
function get_smadj()
    // randomly gets adjective for simile
	{var smadj="18th century";
	var rn=randomval(133);
	switch(rn)
		{case 0:		smadj[0]="18th century";		break;
		case 1:		smadj="3rd rate";			break;
		case 2:		smadj="400 pound";		break;
		case 3:		smadj="70 year old";		break;
		case 4:		smadj="AIDS infected";		break;
		case 5:		smadj="albino";			break;
		case 6:		smadj="alcoholic";			break;
		case 7:		smadj="ambidextrous";		break;
		case 8:		smadj="amish";			break;
		case 9:		smadj="anorexic";			break;
		case 10:		smadj="autistic";			break;
		case 11:		smadj="bankrupt";			break;
		case 12:		smadj="bed-ridden";		break;
		case 13:		smadj="bipolar";			break;
		case 14:		smadj="bisexual";			break;
		case 15:		smadj="black";			break;
		case 16:		smadj="blind";			break;
		case 17:		smadj="blood-soaked";		break;
		case 18:		smadj="booger-eating";		break;
		case 19:		smadj="brain-dead";		break;
		case 20:		smadj="break-dancing";		break;
		case 21:		smadj="buck toothed";		break;
		case 22:		smadj="bulimic";			break;
		case 23:		smadj="buxom";			break;
		case 24:		smadj="canadian";			break;
		case 25:		smadj="castrated";			break;
		case 26:		smadj="catholic";			break;
		case 27:		smadj="chinese";			break;
		case 28:		smadj="chlyamydia infected";		break;
		case 29:		smadj="claustrophobic";		break;
		case 30:		smadj="clinically depressed";		break;
		case 31:		smadj="college educated";		break;
		case 32:		smadj="color blind";			break;
		case 33:		smadj="crack-head";		break;
		case 34:		smadj="crazy";			break;
		case 35:		smadj="cross-dressing";		break;
		case 36:		smadj="cross-eyed";		break;
		case 37:		smadj="crying";			break;
		case 38:		smadj="cryogenically frozen";	break;
		case 39:		smadj="cum guzzingly";		break;
		case 40:		smadj="dead";			break;
		case 41:		smadj="deaf";			break;
		case 42:		smadj="demonic";			break;
		case 43:		smadj="deranged";			break;
		case 44:		smadj="disabled";			break;
		case 45:		smadj="drunk";			break;
		case 46:		smadj="dyslexic";			break;
		case 47:		smadj="elderly";			break;
		case 48:		smadj="fat";			break;
		case 49:		smadj="filipino";			break;
		case 50:		smadj="geriatric";			break;
		case 51:		smadj="German";			break;
		case 52:		smadj="giddy";			break;
		case 53:		smadj="glue sniffing";		break;
		case 54:		smadj="gorgeous";			break;
		case 55:		smadj="hermaphrodite";		break;
		case 56:		smadj="hillbilly";			break;
		case 57:		smadj="homeless";			break;
		case 58:		smadj="horny";			break;
		case 59:		smadj="hybrid-driving";		break;
		case 60:		smadj="hypnotized";		break;
		case 61:		smadj="illiterate";			break;
		case 62:		smadj="impotent";			break;
		case 63:		smadj="impressionable";		break;
		case 64:		smadj="incontinent";		break;
		case 65:		smadj="infertile";			break;
		case 66:		smadj="invalid";			break;
		case 67:		smadj="jesus-loving";		break;
		case 68:		smadj="jewish";			break;
		case 69:		smadj="junkie";			break;
		case 70:		smadj="kleptomaniac";		break;
		case 71:		smadj="lactose intolerant";		break;
		case 72:		smadj="lazy";			break;
		case 73:		smadj="left handed";		break;
		case 74:		smadj="leper";			break;
		case 75:		smadj="lesion-covered";		break;
		case 76:		smadj="lobotomized";		break;
		case 77:		smadj="meglamaniac";		break;
		case 78:		smadj="menopausal";		break;
		case 79:		smadj="mentally retarded";		break;
		case 80:		smadj="mexican";			break;
		case 81:		smadj="midget";			break;
		case 82:		smadj="morbidly obese";		break;
		case 83:		smadj="mormon";			break;
		case 84:		smadj="muslim";			break;
		case 85:		smadj="mute";			break;
		case 86:		smadj="naïve";			break;
		case 87:		smadj="naked";			break;
		case 88:		smadj="narcoleptic";		break;
		case 89:		smadj="nazi";			break;
		case 90:		smadj="near-sighted";		break;
		case 91:		smadj="neurotic";			break;
		case 92:		smadj="nymphomaniac";		break;
		case 93:		smadj="obsessive compulsive";	break;
		case 94:		smadj="one legged";		break;
		case 95:		smadj="out of shape";		break;
		case 96:		smadj="over-achieving";		break;
		case 97:		smadj="passed out";		break;
		case 98:		smadj="patriotic";			break;
		case 99:		smadj="pedantic";			break;
		case 100:	smadj="pissed-off";			break;
		case 101:	smadj="pregnant";			break;
		case 102:	smadj="pre-pubescent";		break;
		case 103:	smadj="quadripalegic";		break;
		case 104:	smadj="rabid";			break;
		case 105:	smadj="racist";			break;
		case 106:	smadj="red headed";		break;
		case 107:	smadj="reformed";			break;
		case 108:	smadj="regretful";			break;
		case 109:	smadj="satan-worshipping";		break;
		case 110:	smadj="scab-eating";		break;
		case 111:	smadj="schizophrenic";		break;
		case 112:	smadj="self-felching";		break;
		case 113:	smadj="sexy";			break;
		case 114:	smadj="shit-covered";		break;
		case 115:	smadj="skanky";			break;
		case 116:	smadj="smoking hot";		break;
		case 117:	smadj="spastic";			break;
		case 118:	smadj="stuttering";			break;
		case 119:	smadj="suicidal";			break;
		case 120:	smadj="syphillis infected";		break;
		case 121:	smadj="terminally ill";		break;
		case 122:	smadj="third-world";		break;
		case 123:	smadj="tiny-dicked";		break;
		case 124:	smadj="transsexual";		break;
		case 125:	smadj="ugly";			break;
		case 126:	smadj="unbathed";			break;
		case 127:	smadj="uncircumsized";		break;
		case 128:	smadj="under-aged";		break;
		case 129:	smadj="unemployed";		break;
		case 130:	smadj="urine-soaked";		break;
		case 131:	smadj="vegan";			break;
		case 132:	smadj="wart-covered";		break;
		case 133:	smadj="zit-covered";		break;
		}
	var ch1=(smadj.charAt(0)).toUpperCase();
	if ((ch1=="A") || (ch1=="E") || (ch1=="I") || (ch1=="O") || (ch1=="U")) smadj="an " + smadj;
	else smadj="a " + smadj; 
    // determines what indefinite article to prefix it with
	return smadj;
	}
function get_smnoun()
    // randomly gets noun for simile
	{var smnoun="(insert favorite racial epiteth here)";
	var rn=randomval(132);
	switch(rn)
		{case 0:		smnoun="(insert favorite racial epiteth here)";	break;
		case 1:		smnoun="4th grader";			break;
		case 2:		smnoun="abortion doctor";			break;
		case 3:		smnoun="albino";				break;
		case 4:		smnoun="amputee";			break;
		case 5:		smnoun="anarchist";			break;
		case 6:		smnoun="arsonist";				break;
		case 7:		smnoun="athiest";				break;
		case 8:		smnoun="baby";				break;
		case 9:		smnoun="ballerina";				break;
		case 10:		smnoun="battered wife";			break;
		case 11:		smnoun="billy goat";			break;
		case 12:		smnoun="bi-sexual";			break;
		case 13:		smnoun="bitch";				break;
		case 14:		smnoun="bride";				break;
		case 15:		smnoun="cannibal";				break;
		case 16:		smnoun="cartoon character";			break;
		case 17:		smnoun="chef";				break;
		case 18:		smnoun="chick";				break;
		case 19:		smnoun="chihuahua";			break;
		case 20:		smnoun="chriopractor";			break;
		case 21:		smnoun="communist";			break;
		case 22:		smnoun="cop";				break;
		case 23:		smnoun="co-worker";			break;
		case 24:		smnoun="crack baby";			break;
		case 25:		smnoun="crack whore";			break;
		case 26:		smnoun="Cuban";				break;
		case 27:		smnoun="cult leader";			break;
		case 28:		smnoun="cunt";				break;
		case 29:		smnoun="date-rape victim";			break;
		case 30:		smnoun="debutante";			break;
		case 31:		smnoun="dental hygenist";			break;
		case 32:		smnoun="elementary teacher";		break;
		case 33:		smnoun="Elmer Fudd";			break;
		case 34:		smnoun="epileptic";				break;
		case 35:		smnoun="eskimo";				break;
		case 36:		smnoun="eunuch";				break;
		case 37:		smnoun="ex-girlfriend";			break;
		case 38:		smnoun="feminist";				break;
		case 39:		smnoun="Filipino";				break;
		case 40:		smnoun="friend";				break;
		case 41:		smnoun="game show host";			break;
		case 42:		smnoun="germ-a-phobe";			break;
		case 43:		smnoun="girl";				break;
		case 44:		smnoun="graduate student";			break;
		case 45:		smnoun="grandfather";			break;
		case 46:		smnoun="hamster";				break;
		case 47:		smnoun="hermaphrodite";			break;
		case 48:		smnoun="high school dropout";		break;
		case 49:		smnoun="hillbilly";				break;
		case 50:		smnoun="hippie";				break;
		case 51:		smnoun="HIV patient";			break;
		case 52:		smnoun="holocaust survivor";		break;
		case 53:		smnoun="homosexual";			break;
		case 54:		smnoun="hooker";				break;
		case 55:		smnoun="illegal immigrant";			break;
		case 56:		smnoun="illiterate";				break;
		case 57:		smnoun="insurance salesman";		break;
		case 58:		smnoun="investment banker";			break;
		case 59:		smnoun="Italian";				break;
		case 60:		smnoun="janitor";				break;
		case 61:		smnoun="Jesus";				break;
		case 62:		smnoun="Jew";				break;
		case 63:		smnoun="junkie";				break;
		case 64:		smnoun="kelptomaniac";			break;
		case 65:		smnoun="kitten";				break;
		case 66:		smnoun="lawyer";				break;
		case 67:		smnoun="leper";				break;
		case 68:		smnoun="lesbian";				break;
		case 69:		smnoun="librarian";				break;
		case 70:		smnoun="male cheerleader";			break;
		case 71:		smnoun="male prostitute";			break;
		case 72:		smnoun="marine";				break;
		case 73:		smnoun="Martian";				break;
		case 74:		smnoun="mathematician";			break;
		case 75:		smnoun="meglamaniac";			break;
		case 76:		smnoun="Mennonite";			break;
		case 77:		smnoun="meth-head";			break;
		case 78:		smnoun="Mexican";				break;
		case 79:		smnoun="midget";				break;
		case 80:		smnoun="milf";				break;
		case 81:		smnoun="millionaire";			break;
		case 82:		smnoun="Mormon";				break;
		case 83:		smnoun="muslim";				break;
		case 84:		smnoun="neat-freak";			break;
		case 85:		smnoun="nun";				break;
		case 86:		smnoun="nymphomaniac";			break;
		case 87:		smnoun="orphan";				break;
		case 88:		smnoun="P.O.W.";				break;
		case 89:		smnoun="Pakistani";			break;
		case 90:		smnoun="parapalegic";			break;
		case 91:		smnoun="pedophile";			break;
		case 92:		smnoun="perfectionist";			break;
		case 93:		smnoun="person";				break;
		case 94:		smnoun="politician";			break;
		case 95:		smnoun="porn star";			break;
		case 96:		smnoun="pre-schooler";			break;
		case 97:		smnoun="priest";				break;
		case 98:		smnoun="prison-bitch";			break;
		case 99:		smnoun="proctologist";			break;
		case 100:	smnoun="prude";				break;
		case 101:	smnoun="psychologist";			break;
		case 102:	smnoun="puppy";				break;
		case 103:	smnoun="rapist";				break;
		case 104:	smnoun="real-estate agent";			break;
		case 105:	smnoun="rodeo clown";			break;
		case 106:	smnoun="runway-model";			break;
		case 107:	smnoun="Scientologist";			break;
		case 108:	smnoun="serial killer";			break;
		case 109:	smnoun="sex offender";			break;
		case 110:	smnoun="single-mom";			break;
		case 111:	smnoun="slave";				break;
		case 112:	smnoun="slut";				break;
		case 113:	smnoun="soccer-mom";			break;
		case 114:	smnoun="step-sister";			break;
		case 115:	smnoun="stripper";				break;
		case 116:	smnoun="tax accountant";			break;
		case 117:	smnoun="terrorist";				break;
		case 118:	smnoun="toddler";				break;
		case 119:	smnoun="transsexual";			break;
		case 120:	smnoun="transvestite";			break;
		case 121:	smnoun="truck driver";			break;
		case 122:	smnoun="uncle";				break;
		case 123:	smnoun="vegetarian";			break;
		case 124:	smnoun="Vietnam veteran";			break;
		case 125:	smnoun="virgin";				break;
		case 126:	smnoun="waitress";			break;
		case 127:	smnoun="war hero";			break;
		case 128:	smnoun="welfare-mom";			break;
		case 129:	smnoun="white supremacist";		break;
		case 130:	smnoun="whore";				break;
		case 131:	smnoun="widow";				break;
		}
	return smnoun;
	}
function get_smsuffix()
    // randomly gets suffix to simile
	{var smsuf="at a bukkake party";
	var rn=randomval(139);
	switch(rn)
		{case 0:		smsuf="at a bukkake party";			break;
		case 1:		smsuf="at a circlejerk";			break;
		case 2:		smsuf="at a funeral";			break;
		case 3:		smsuf="at a gangbang";			break;
		case 4:		smsuf="at a pussy eating contest";		break;
		case 5:		smsuf="at Crate and Barrel";			break;
		case 6:		smsuf="at Starbucks";			break;
		case 7:		smsuf="at the junior prom";			break;
		case 8:		smsuf="at the opera";			break;
		case 9:		smsuf="at Wal-Mart";			break;
		case 10:		smsuf="being gang raped";			break;
		case 11:		smsuf="being held hostage";			break;
		case 12:		smsuf="celebrating Kwanzaa";		break;
		case 13:		smsuf="choking on their own vomit";		break;
		case 14:		smsuf="covered in bacon grease";		break;
		case 15:		smsuf="crapping blood";			break;
		case 16:		smsuf="doing long division";			break;
		case 17:		smsuf="doing the hokey pokey";		break;
		case 18:		smsuf="dressed to the nines";		break;
		case 19:		smsuf="drowning in their own urine";		break;
		case 20:		smsuf="drunk on mouthwash, again";		break;
		case 21:		smsuf="during Lent";			break;
		case 22:		smsuf="eating a cum sandwich";		break;
		case 23:		smsuf="eating day old puke";			break;
		case 24:		smsuf="eating ear wax";			break;
		case 25:		smsuf="eating eggs benedict";		break;
		case 26:		smsuf="fingering their own asshole";		break;
		case 27:		smsuf="flunking out of community college";	break;
		case 28:		smsuf="getting sodomized by a horse";		break;
		case 29:		smsuf="getting their ass kicked";		break;
		case 30:		smsuf="giving $5 blow jobs";			break;
		case 31:		smsuf="having a brain aneurysm";		break;
		case 32:		smsuf="having a miscarriage";		break;
		case 33:		smsuf="having a nervous breakdown";		break;
		case 34:		smsuf="having a one night stand";		break;
		case 35:		smsuf="having a seizure";			break;
		case 36:		smsuf="having a stroke";			break;
		case 37:		smsuf="having a threesome";			break;
		case 38:		smsuf="having an abortion";			break;
		case 39:		smsuf="having an enema";			break;
		case 40:		smsuf="having an epiphany";			break;
		case 41:		smsuf="having de ja vu";			break;
		case 42:		smsuf="having second thoughts";		break;
		case 43:		smsuf="having the time of their life";		break;
		case 44:		smsuf="heft up on paint thinner";		break;
		case 45:		smsuf="in a buttfucking tournament";		break;
		case 46:		smsuf="in a diabetic coma";			break;
		case 47:		smsuf="in a farting contest";			break;
		case 48:		smsuf="in a hospice";			break;
		case 49:		smsuf="in a Lutheran nursing home";		break;
		case 50:		smsuf="in a sauna";			break;
		case 51:		smsuf="in an ass kicking contest";		break;
		case 52:		smsuf="in Chinatown";			break;
		case 53:		smsuf="in church on a Wednesday";		break;
		case 54:		smsuf="in denial";				break;
		case 55:		smsuf="in Detroit";				break;
		case 56:		smsuf="looking for revenge";			break;
		case 57:		smsuf="looking for true love";			break;
		case 58:		smsuf="looking to get raped";			break;
		case 59:		smsuf="lubed up and on all fours";		break;
		case 60:		smsuf="making bad jokes";			break;
		case 61:		smsuf="off their meds";			break;
		case 62:		smsuf="on a first date";			break;
		case 63:		smsuf="on Columbus Day";			break;
		case 64:		smsuf="on election day";			break;
		case 65:		smsuf="on heroin";				break;
		case 66:		smsuf="on horse steroids";			break;
		case 67:		smsuf="on ice skates";			break;
		case 68:		smsuf="on laundry day";			break;
		case 69:		smsuf="on parole";				break;
		case 70:		smsuf="on the wrong end of a donkey punch";	break;
		case 71:		smsuf="on vacation";			break;
		case 72:		smsuf="on Valentine's Day";			break;
		case 73:		smsuf="on Yom Kippur";			break;
		case 74:		smsuf="performing a donkey show";		break;
		case 75:		smsuf="picking scabs";			break;
		case 76:		smsuf="picking their nose";			break;
		case 77:		smsuf="playing Tetris";			break;
		case 78:		smsuf="pretending to care";			break;
		case 79:		smsuf="punching a baby";			break;
		case 80:		smsuf="running from the law";		break;
		case 81:		smsuf="sent from heaven";			break;
		case 82:		smsuf="singing the national anthem";		break;
		case 83:		smsuf="sniffing their own farts";		break;
		case 84:		smsuf="who bit off more than they could chew";	break;
		case 85:		smsuf="who loves kittens";			break;
		case 86:		smsuf="who reeks of failure";		break;
		case 87:		smsuf="who smells like pickles";		break;
		case 88:		smsuf="who stinks like burnt onions";		break;
		case 89:		smsuf="with 13 fingers";			break;
		case 90:		smsuf="with a bad attitude";			break;
		case 91:		smsuf="with a bad toupee";			break;
		case 92:		smsuf="with a brain tumor";			break;
		case 93:		smsuf="with a broken dildo";			break;
		case 94:		smsuf="with a crooked boner";		break;
		case 95:		smsuf="with a dead baby";			break;
		case 96:		smsuf="with a death wish";			break;
		case 97:		smsuf="with a facial tick and stutter";		break;
		case 98:		smsuf="with a gang tattoo";			break;
		case 99:		smsuf="with a glass eye";			break;
		case 100:	smsuf="with a god complex";			break;
		case 101:	smsuf="with a hairlip";			break;
		case 102:	smsuf="with a handgun";			break;
		case 103:	smsuf="with a hook arm";			break;
		case 104:	smsuf="with a hot sister";			break;
		case 105:	smsuf="with a leaky colostomy bag";		break;
		case 106:	smsuf="with a misinfalted ego";		break;
		case 107:	smsuf="with a piss fetish";			break;
		case 108:	smsuf="with a prolapsed anus";		break;
		case 109:	smsuf="with a score to settle";		break;
		case 110:	smsuf="with a third testicle";			break;
		case 111:	smsuf="with a yeast infection";		break;
		case 112:	smsuf="with AIDS";				break;
		case 113:	smsuf="with alzheimers";			break;
		case 114:	smsuf="with an agenda";			break;
		case 115:	smsuf="with bad breath";			break;
		case 116:	smsuf="with bad credit";			break;
		case 117:	smsuf="with chlamydia";			break;
		case 118:	smsuf="with daddy issues";			break;
		case 119:	smsuf="with delusions of grandeur";		break;
		case 120:	smsuf="with explosive diarrhea";		break;
		case 121:	smsuf="with flaring herpes";			break;
		case 122:	smsuf="with gonorhea";			break;
		case 123:	smsuf="with hemorrhoids";			break;
		case 124:	smsuf="with low self-esteem";		break;
		case 125:	smsuf="with mismatched tits";		break;
		case 126:	smsuf="with nothing to lose";			break;
		case 127:	smsuf="with one titty";			break;
		case 128:	smsuf="with only weeks to live";		break;
		case 129:	smsuf="with open sores";			break;
		case 130:	smsuf="with pierced nipples";		break;
		case 131:	smsuf="with polio";				break;
		case 132:	smsuf="with rabies";			break;
		case 133:	smsuf="with the body of a goddess";		break;
		case 134:	smsuf="with tits like an angel";		break;
		case 135:	smsuf="with two assholes";			break;
		case 136:	smsuf="with undescended testicles";		break;
		case 137:	smsuf="with violent tendencies";		break;
		case 138:	smsuf="without a cent to their name";		break;
		case 139:	smsuf="without a cent to their name";		break;
		}
	return smsuf;
	}
function ucall(t)
    // makes first letter of each word upper case
	{var ret="";
	ts = t.split(" ");
      	for (var c=0; c <ts.length; c++) ret+= ts[c].substring(0,1).toUpperCase() + ts[c].substring(1,ts[c].length) + " ";
	return ret;
	}
function make_simile()
	{var smtext="..." + ucall(get_smprefix(1) + " " + get_smadj() + " " + get_smnoun() + " " + get_smsuffix());
	if (smtext.length<70) smtext="<br>" + smtext;
	return smtext;
	}


    //	++++++++++++++++++	SIMILE FUNCTIONS ABOVE			++++++++++++++++++
    //	++++++++++++++++++	EPITHET FUNCTIONS  BELOW			++++++++++++++++++


function get_title()
    // randomly gets title--creates a name, i.e. "Captain Ball Licker"
	{tit="Mr.";
	var rn=randomval(16);
	switch(rn)
		{case 0:	tit="Mr.";					break;
		case 1:	tit="Princess";				break;
		case 2:	tit="Ms.";					break;
		case 3:	tit="Sir";					break;
		case 4:	tit="King";					break;
		case 5:	tit="Prince";				break;
		case 6:	tit="Queen";				break;
		case 7:	tit="Vice President";				break;
		case 8:	tit="Admiral";				break;
		case 9:	tit="General";				break;
		case 10:	tit="Chancellor";				break;
		case 11:	tit="Sargent";				break;
		case 12:	tit="Captain";				break;
		case 13:	tit="Doctor";				break;
		case 14:	tit="Reverend";				break;
		case 15:	tit="Rabbi";				break;
		case 16:	tit="Professor";				break;
		}
	return tit;
	}
function get_adj_intelligence()
    // randomly insults intelligence with adjective
	{adj="Stupid";
	var rn=randomval(15);
	switch(rn)
		{case 0:	adj="Stupid";				break;
		case 1:	adj="Uberretarded";				break;
		case 2:	adj="Brainless";				break;
		case 3:	adj="Dyslexic";				break;
		case 4:	adj="Special-Ed";				break;
		case 5:	adj="Moronic";				break;
		case 6:	adj="Dumb";				break;
		case 7:	adj="Retarded";				break;
		case 8:	adj="Ignorant";				break;
		case 9:	adj="Illiterate";				break;
		case 10:	adj="Unintelligent";				break;
		case 11:	adj="Lobotomized";				break;
		case 12:	adj="Dim-Witted";				break;
		case 13:	adj="Empty Headed";			break;
		case 14:	adj="Uneducated";				break;
		case 15:	adj="Mouth Breathing";			break;
		}
	return adj;
	}
function get_noun_intelligence()
    // randomly insults intelligence with noun
	{noun="Retard";
	var rn=randomval(21);
	switch(rn)
		{case 0:	noun="Retard";				break;
		case 1:	noun="Imbecile";				break;
		case 2:	noun="Moron";				break;
		case 3:	noun="Dumbshit";				break;	
		case 4:	noun="Dumbfuck";				break;
		case 5:	noun="Dumbtard";				break;
		case 6:	noun="Dumbass";				break;
		case 7:	noun="Dipshit";				break;	
		case 8:	noun="Cunt-tard";				break;
		case 9:	noun="Shit-tard";				break;
		case 10:	noun="Fuck-tard";				break;
		case 11:	noun="Idiot";				break;
		case 12:	noun="Illiterate";				break;
		case 13:	noun="Shit-For-Brains";			break;	
		case 14:	noun="Dropout";				break;
		case 15:	noun="Flunky";				break;
		case 16:	noun="Dolt";				break;
		case 17:	noun="Twit";				break;	
		case 18:	noun="Meat-head";				break;
		case 19:	noun="Simpleton";				break;
		case 20:	noun="Ignoramus";				break;
		case 20:	noun="Stooge";				break;
		case 21:	noun="Dummy";				break;
		}
	return noun;
	}
function get_adj_racist()
    //  randomly spits out racist adj
	{adj="Niggerish";
	var rn=randomval(21);
	switch(rn)
		{case 0:	adj="Niggerish";				break;
		case 1:	adj="Niggeresque";				break;
		case 2:	adj="Chinky";				break;
		case 3:	adj="Hillibilliefied";				break;
		case 4:	adj="Islamo";				break;
		case 5:	adj="Muslamic";				break;
		case 6:	adj="Jesus-Loving";			break;
		case 7:	adj="Allah-Loving";				break;
		case 8:	adj="Buddha-Loving";			break;
		case 9:	adj="Pope-Worshiping";			break;
		case 10:	adj="Slanteyed";				break;
		case 11:	adj="Aunt Jemima Looking";			break;
		case 12:	adj="Japanese";				break;
    // start of compound adjs
		case 13:	adj="Rice";				break;
		case 14:	adj="Watermelon";				break;
		case 15:	adj="Fried-Chicken";			break;
		case 16:	adj="Burrito";				break;	
		case 17:	adj="Humus";				break;
		case 18:	adj="Jalapeno";				break;
		case 19:	adj="Burrito";				break;	
		case 20:	adj="Blubber";				break;
		case 21:	adj="Tortilla";				break;
		}
	if (rn>12)
    // adds second part of compound adjective
		{adj+="-";
		var rn=randomval(6);
		switch(rn)
			{case 0:	adj+="Sucking";			break;
			case 1:	adj+="Breathing";			break;
			case 2:	adj+="Eating";			break;
			case 3:	adj+="Fucking";			break;
			case 4:	adj+="Snorting";			break;
			case 5:	adj+="Loving";			break;
			case 6:	adj+="Licking";			break;
			}
		}
	return adj;
	}
function get_noun_racist()
    //  randomly spits out racist noun
	{noun="Nigger";
	var rn=randomval(52);
	switch(rn)
		{case 0:	noun="Nigger";				break;
		case 1:	noun="Mormon";				break;
		case 2:	noun="Mexican";				break;
		case 3:	noun="Canadian";				break;	
		case 4:	noun="Filipino";				break;
		case 5:	noun="Jigaboo";				break;
		case 6:	noun="Spic";				break;
		case 7:	noun="Cannuck";				break;	
		case 8:	noun="Chink";				break;
		case 9:	noun="Brazilian";				break;
		case 10:	noun="Texan";				break;
		case 11:	noun="Russian";				break;
		case 12:	noun="Camel Jockey";			break;
		case 13:	noun="Sand-Nigger";			break;	
		case 14:	noun="American";				break;
		case 15:	noun="Jew";				break;
		case 16:	noun="Eskimo";				break;
		case 17:	noun="Kike";				break;	
		case 18:	noun="Spearchucker";			break;
		case 19:	noun="Wetback";				break;
		case 20:	noun="Heb";				break;
		case 21:	noun="Gook";				break;
		case 22:	noun="Towelhead";				break;
		case 23:	noun="Cracker";				break;	
		case 24:	noun="White Devil";				break;
		case 25:	noun="Jap";				break;
		case 26:	noun="Kraut";				break;
		case 27:	noun="Mick";				break;	
		case 28:	noun="Dago";				break;
		case 29:	noun="Wap";				break;
		case 30:	noun="Coon";				break;
		case 31:	noun="Oriental";				break;
		case 32:	noun="Albino";				break;
		case 33:	noun="Cuban";				break;
		case 34:	noun="Beaner";				break;
		case 35:	noun="Darkie";				break;
		case 36:	noun="Blackie";				break;
		case 37:	noun="Rube";				break;	
		case 38:	noun="Hillbilly";				break;
		case 39:	noun="Hindu";				break;
		case 40:	noun="Junglebunny";			break;
		case 41:	noun="Macaca";				break;
		case 42:	noun="Negro";				break;
		case 43:	noun="House Nigger";			break;	
		case 44:	noun="Uncle Tom";				break;
		case 45:	noun="Comanche";				break;
		case 46:	noun="Redskin";				break;
		case 47:	noun="Spook";				break;	
		case 48:	noun="Squaw";				break;
		case 49:	noun="Tar Baby";				break;
		case 50:	noun="White Nigger";			break;
		case 51:	noun="Wigger";				break;
		case 52:	noun="Porch Monkey";			break;
		}
	var rn=randomval(9);
	if (rn<9) noun+=" ";
    // randomly adds another word to racist one chosen
	switch(rn)
		{case 0:	noun+="Lover";				break;
		case 1:	noun+="Fuck";				break;
		case 2:	noun+="Puke";				break;
		case 3:	noun+="Bastard";				break;
		case 4:	noun+="Bitch";				break;
		case 5:	noun+="Scum";				break;
		case 6:	noun+="Beast";				break;	
		case 7:	noun+="Whore";				break;
		case 8:	noun+="Trash";				break;
		}
	return noun;
	}
function get_noun()
    // randomly selects a noun to call someone
	{noun="Poopyhead";
	var rn=randomval(76);
	switch(rn)
		{case 0:	noun="Poopyhead";				break;
		case 1:	noun="Dildo";				break;
		case 2:	noun="Hardon";				break;
		case 3:	noun="Hooker Lover";			break;	
		case 4:	noun="Fat Chick Fucker";			break;
		case 5:	noun="Anal Tear";				break;
		case 6:	noun="Junkie Whore";			break;
		case 7:	noun="Pedophile";				break;	
		case 8:	noun="Sphincter Boil";			break;
		case 9:	noun="Scrotum Boil";			break;
		case 10:	noun="Heathen";				break;
		case 11:	noun="Pile Of Worthless Shit";		break;
		case 12:	noun="Bowl Of Day Old Fuck Juice";		break;	
		case 13:	noun="Pile Of Thrice Used Condoms";		break;
		case 14:	noun="Cuntturd";				break;
		case 15:	noun="Rapist";				break;
		case 16:	noun="Nut Case";				break;
		case 17:	noun="Pukefuck";				break;
		case 18:	noun="Diva";				break;
		case 19:	noun="Nutjob";				break;
		case 20:	noun="Jackoff";				break;
		case 21:	noun="Fluffer";				break;
		case 22:	noun="Cockmaster";			break;
		case 23:	noun="Abortion Survivor";			break;
		case 24:	noun="Cock Ring";				break;
		case 25:	noun="Horse's Cock";			break;
		case 26:	noun="Plate Of Dingleberries";		break;
		case 27:	noun="Bloody Tampon";			break;
		case 28:	noun="Fat Chick";				break;
		case 29:	noun="Tranny";				break;
		case 30:	noun="Hooker";				break;
		case 31:	noun="Scumface";				break;
		case 32:	noun="Fatty";				break;
		case 33:	noun="Dickshaft";				break;
		case 34:	noun="Vulva";				break;
		case 35:	noun="Pig Nipple";				break;	
		case 36:	noun="Dog Sphincter";			break;
		case 37:	noun="Load Swallower";			break;					
		case 38:	noun="Terrorist";				break;
		case 39:	noun="Felon";				break;
		case 40:	noun="Horse Barf";				break;
		case 41:	noun="Proctologist";			break;
		case 42:	noun="Hippie";				break;
		case 43:	noun="Grade School Dropout";		break;
		case 44:	noun="Mouthful Of Bloody Cum";		break;	
		case 45:	noun="Gutter Slut";				break;
    // coumpoundable nouns below
		case 46:	noun="Cunt";				break;
		case 47:	noun="Cum";				break;	
		case 48:	noun="Shit";				break;
		case 49:	noun="Puke";				break;
		case 50:	noun="Scab";				break;
		case 51:	noun="Diarrhea";				break;	
		case 52:	noun="Crap";				break;
		case 53:	noun="Jizz";				break;
		case 54:	noun="Fag";				break;
		case 55:	noun="Cock";				break;
		case 56:	noun="Piss";				break;	
		case 57:	noun="Ass";				break;
		case 58:	noun="Slut";				break;
		case 59:	noun="Fuck";				break;
		case 60:	noun="Butt";				break;
		case 61:	noun="Poop";				break;
		case 62:	noun="Twat";				break;
		case 63:	noun="Whore";				break;
		case 64:	noun="Dick";				break;
		case 65:	noun="Douche";				break;
		case 66:	noun="Bitch";				break;
		case 67:	noun="Homo";				break;
		case 68:	noun="Vagina";				break;
		case 69:	noun="Faggot";				break;
		case 70:	noun="Boner";				break;
		case 71:	noun="Doo-Doo";				break;
		case 72:	noun="Pussy";				break;
		case 73:	noun="Turd";				break;
		case 74:	noun="Clit";				break;
		case 75:	noun="Snatch";				break;
		case 76:	noun="Fart";				break;
		}
	if (rn>44)
    // adds compound to compoundable words
		{var rn=randomval(31);
		if (rn<32) noun+="-";
    // only compounds it half the time
		switch(rn)
			{case 0:	noun+="Fucker";			break;
			case 1:	noun+="Licker";			break;
			case 2:	noun+="Sucker";			break;
			case 3:	noun+="Eater";			break;
			case 4:	noun+="Lover";			break;
			case 5:	noun+="Sniffer";			break;
			case 6:	noun+="For-Brains";		break;
			case 7:	noun+="Ranger";			break;
			case 8:	noun+="Boy";			break;
			case 9:	noun+="Guzzler";			break;
			case 10:	noun+="Slurper";			break;
			case 11:	noun+="Drinker";			break;
			case 12:	noun+="Bag";			break;	
			case 13:	noun+="Splatter";			break; 
			case 14:	noun+="Junkie";			break;
			case 15:	noun+="Sandwich";		break;
			case 16:	noun+="Box";			break;
			case 17:	noun+="Head";			break;
			case 18:	noun+="Juice";			break;
			case 19:	noun+="Hole";			break;
			case 20:	noun+="Lips";			break;
			case 21:	noun+="Bucket";			break;
			case 22:	noun+="Breath";			break;
			case 23:	noun+="Sack";			break;
			case 24:	noun+="Wart";			break;
			case 25:	noun+="Soup";			break;
			case 26:	noun+="Jelly";			break;
			case 27:	noun+="Head";			break;
			case 28:	noun+="Nugget";			break;
			case 29:	noun+=((noun=="fuck ") ? "Ass" : "Fuck");	break;
			case 30:	noun+=((noun=="slut ") ? "Ass" : "Slut");	break;
			case 31:	noun+=((noun=="butt ") ? "Fag" : "Butt");	break;
			}
		}
	return noun;
	}
function get_adj()
    // randomly selects an adjective
	{adj="Cum Bathing";
	var rn=randomval(107);
	switch(rn)
		{case 0:	adj="Cum Bathing";				break;
		case 1:	adj="Constipated";				break;
		case 2:	adj="Zit Popping";				break;
		case 3:	adj="Hardon Grabbing";			break;	
		case 4:	adj="Nose-Picking";				break;
		case 5:	adj="Zitty";				break;
		case 6:	adj="Twice Baked";				break;
		case 7:	adj=(Math.floor(Math.random()*13) + 2) + "-Cent";	break;	
		case 8:	adj="Skanky";				break;
		case 9:	adj="Retarded";				break;
		case 10:	adj="Faggoty";				break;
		case 11:	adj="Bible Thumping";			break;
		case 12:	adj="Flaming";				break;	
		case 13:	adj="Gay Ass";				break;
		case 14:	adj="Hemophilic";				break;
		case 15:	adj="Pedophilic";				break;
		case 16:	adj="Disillusioned";				break;
		case 17:	adj="Reamed Out";				break;
		case 18:	adj="Bent Over";				break;
		case 19:	adj="Fuckless";				break;
		case 20:	adj="Dickless";				break;
		case 21:	adj="Turdfilled";				break;
		case 22:	adj="Redheaded";				break;
		case 23:	adj="Anally Conceived";			break;
		case 24:	adj="Wrinkled";				break;
		case 25:	adj="Fat";					break;
		case 26:	adj="Hairy";				break;
		case 27:	adj="Ugly";				break;
		case 28:	adj="Smelly";				break;
		case 29:	adj="Worthless";				break;
		case 30:	adj="Pimpled";				break;
		case 31:	adj="Old";					break;
		case 32:	adj="Washed Up";				break;
		case 33:	adj="Big";					break;	
		case 34:	adj="Nasty";				break;
		case 35:	adj="Bloated";				break;
		case 36:	adj="Bonerless";				break;
		case 37:	adj="Morbidly Obese";			break;	
		case 38:	adj="Decaying";				break;
		case 39:	adj="Disgusting";				break;
		case 40:	adj="Illiterate";				break;
		case 41:	adj="Nazi";				break;
		case 42:	adj="Communist";				break;
		case 43:	adj="Godless";				break;
		case 44:	adj="NASCAR Loving";			break;
		case 45:	adj="Amatuer";				break;
		case 46:	adj="Anorexic";				break;
		case 47:	adj="Bulimic";				break;
		case 48:	adj="Bipolar";				break;
		case 49:	adj="Neurotic";				break;
		case 50:	adj="Asexual";				break;
		case 51:	adj="Kentucky Fried";			break;
		case 52:	adj="Mouth Breathing";			break;
		case 53:	adj="Heretic";				break;
		case 54:	adj="Parasitic";				break;
		case 55:	adj="Cross-Dressing";			break;
		case 56:	adj="Crusty";				break;
		case 57:	adj="Strung Out";				break;
		case 58:	adj="Motherfucking";			break;	
    // compound adjectives below
		case 59:	adj="Pig";					break;
		case 60:	adj="Self";				break;	
		case 61:	adj="Fat Chick";				break;
		case 62:	adj="Corpse";				break;
		case 63:	adj="Child";				break;
		case 64:	adj="Slug";				break;	
		case 65:	adj="Turd";				break;
		case 66:	adj="Butt";				break;
		case 67:	adj="Monkey";				break;
		case 68:	adj="Fat";					break;
		case 69:	adj="Cunt";				break;
		case 70:	adj="Retard";				break;	
		case 71:	adj="Mormon";				break;
		case 72:	adj="Junkie";				break;
		case 73:	adj="Bloody Tampon";			break;
		case 74:	adj="Bible";				break;	
		case 75:	adj="Parapalegic";				break;
		case 76:	adj="Thumb";				break;
		case 77:	adj="Skank";				break;
		case 78:	adj="Slut";				break;
		case 79:	adj="Ass";				break;
		case 80:	adj="Troll";				break;	
		case 81:	adj="Sister";				break;
		case 82:	adj="Step-Brother";				break;
		case 83:	adj="Nephew";				break;
		case 84:	adj="Mother";				break;	
		case 85:	adj="Grandma";				break;
		case 86:	adj="Mule";				break;
		case 87:	adj="Faggot";				break;	
		case 88:	adj="Dick";				break;
		case 89:	adj="Cock";				break;
		case 90:	adj="Shit";				break;	
		case 91:	adj="Goat";				break;
		case 92:	adj="Dog";				break;
		case 93:	adj="Baby";				break;
    // disead adjectives below
		case 94:	adj="AIDS";				break;
		case 95:	adj="Zit";					break;	
		case 96:	adj="Diarrhea";				break;
		case 97:	adj="Skank";				break;
		case 98:	adj="Pimple";				break;
		case 99:	adj="Boil";				break;	
		case 100:	adj="Gonorrhea";			break;
		case 101:	adj="Syphilis";			break;
		case 102:	adj="Maggot";			break;
		case 103:	adj="HIV";			break;
		case 104:	adj="Wart";			break;	
		case 105:	adj="Puss";			break;
		case 106:	adj="Herpe";			break;
		case 107:	adj="Chlymidia";			break;
		}
	if ((rn>58) && (rn<94))
    // adds 2nd part of compound adjective
		{adj+=" ";
		r2=randomval(10);
		switch(r2)
			{case 0:	adj+="Raping";			break;
			case 1:	adj+="Felching";			break;
			case 2:	adj+="Fucking";			break;
			case 3:	adj+="Sucking";			break;
			case 4:	adj+="Licking";			break;
			case 5:	adj+="Sniffing";			break;
			case 6:	adj+="Raping";			break;
			case 7:	adj+="Groping";			break;
			case 8:	adj+="Fingering";			break;
			case 9:	adj+="Loving";			break;
			case 10:	adj+="Humping";			break;
			}
		}
	if (rn>93)
    // adds second part disease adj
		{adj+="-";
		r2=randomval(8);
		switch(r2)
			{case 0:	adj+="Ridden";			break;
			case 1:	adj+="Infected";			break;
			case 2:	adj+="Spreading";			break;
			case 3:	adj+="Filled";			break;
			case 4:	adj+="Squirting";			break;
			case 5:	adj+="Festering";			break;
			case 4:	adj+="Covered";			break;
			case 5:	adj+="Soaked";			break;
			case 6:	adj+="Loving";			break;
			case 7:	adj+="Infested";			break;
			case 8:	adj+="Hemorrhaging";		break;
			}
		}
	return adj;
	}
function get_phrase(p, n)
    // gets correct noun or adjective type: p=1 noun; p=0 adjective; n determines type of word, regular, racists, dumb
	{ret="";
	switch(n)
		{case 0:	ret=(p==0) ? get_adj(): get_noun();				break;
		case 1:	ret=(p==0) ? get_adj_racist(): get_noun_racist();			break;
		case 2:	ret=(p==0) ? get_adj_intelligence(): get_noun_intelligence();		break;
		}
	return ret;
	}
function make_ep(m)
    // creates epiteth from all other noun and adj functions, 633,011,847 permutations
	{var epword=new Array();					// holds all parts of epithet
	var eptype=new Array();					// holds type of epithet--0-reg, 1-racist, 2-intelligence, 3-user,
	ep="";							// will hold all parts of epiteth
	textin="";							// holds default text
	inr=ini=int=inn=ina=false;					// holds all inputable options 
	if (m==1)
    // if manual submission, looks over input form and gets values
		{textin=document.getElementById("intext").value;	
		inr=document.getElementById("ckr").checked;
		ini=document.getElementById("cki").checked;
		int=document.getElementById("ckt").checked;
		inn=document.getElementById("ckn").checked;
		ina=document.getElementById("cka").checked;
		}
	for (i=0; i<3; ++i)
    // initializes ep words and types
		{epword[i]="";
		eptype[i]=0;
		rn=randomval(15);
		if (rn<3) eptype[i]=2;
		if ((rn>2) && (rn<8)) eptype[i]=1;
		}
	rn=randomval(15);
	if (rn<3) int=true;
    // randomly sets epiteth to be displayed with title
	if ((eptype[0] * rn)<12) eptype[0]=3;
    // restricts use of 1st adjective
	if ((inn) && (textin.length>1)) 
    // user provided noun
		{eptype[2]=3;
		epword[2]=textin;
		} 
	if ((ina) && (textin.length>1)) 
    // user provided adjective
		{eptype[1]=3;
		epword[1]=textin;
		}
	if (inr)
    // user wants racist epiteth, verifies it will be there
		{found=0;
		if (eptype[2]==1)
    // if noun is racist, loads and protects it
			{epword[2]=get_phrase(1, 1);
			eptype[2]=3;
			found=1;
			}
		else if (eptype[1]==1)
    // if adj is racist, loads and protects it
			{epword[1]=get_phrase(0, 1);
			eptype[1]=3;
			found=1;
			}
		if (found==0)
    // no racist word found, finds a place to put it
			{if (eptype[2]!=3) 
				{epword[2]=get_phrase(1,1);
				eptype[2]=3;
				}
			else if (eptype[1]!=3)
				{epword[1]=get_phrase(0,1);	
				eptype[1]=3;
				}
			else 
				{epword[0]=get_phrase(0, 1);
				eptype[0]=3;
				}
			}
		}
	if (ini)
    // user wants racist epiteth, verifies it will be there
		{found=0;
		if (eptype[2]==2)
    // if noun is racist, loads and protects it
			{epword[2]=get_phrase(1, 2);
			eptype[2]=3;
			found=1;
			}
		else if (eptype[1]==2)
    // if adj is racist, loads and protects it
			{epword[1]=get_phrase(0, 2);
			eptype[1]=3;
			found=1;
			}
		if (found==0)
    // no racist word found, finds a place to put it
			{if (eptype[2]!=3) 
				{epword[2]=get_phrase(1,2);
				eptype[2]=3;
				}
			else if (eptype[1]!=3)
				{epword[1]=get_phrase(0,2);	
				eptype[1]=3;
				}
			else 
				{epword[0]=get_phrase(0, 2);
				eptype[0]=3;
				}
			}
		}
	if (eptype[0]<3) epword[0]=get_phrase(0, eptype[0]) + ",";
	if (eptype[1]<3) epword[1]=get_phrase(0, eptype[1]);
	if (eptype[2]<3) epword[2]=get_phrase(1, eptype[2]);

	for (i=0; i<3; ++i) ep+=epword[i] + " ";

	if (int) ep=get_title() + " " + ep;
	else ep=ep.toLowerCase();
   // if not a name, lowercases all letters
	return ep;
	}
function load_epgen()
    // loads epithet generator
	{++freeclicks;
	if (freeclicks==15)
    // if used it 15 times redirects user to my site
		{toshow="<br>You " + get_adj_intelligence() + " " + get_noun_intelligence() + ". I warned you.";
		document.getElementById("epscreen").innerHTML = toshow;
		setTimeout("window.location=\"" + ROOT + "free/epithets.php\";", 800);
		}
	else if (freeclicks==10) 
    // warns user to go to my site if clicked 10 times
		{toshow="Hey, " + get_noun() + ", go to the <a href=\"" + PJLINK + "2\" ";
		toshow+="style=\"color: #0000FF;\">Epithet Generator</a> or I'll send you.";
		document.getElementById("epscreen").innerHTML = toshow;
		}
	else 	
    // loads epithet
		{toshow = make_ep(0);
		if (toshow.length<50) toshow="<br>" + toshow;
		document.getElementById("epscreen").innerHTML = toshow;
		}
	return false;
	}
function html_epnano(type, ver)
    // generates html for epithet generator, type is device (1) or person (0), ver determines specific person/device 
	{ep1=make_ep(0);
	if (ep1.length<50) ep1="<br>" + ep1;
	var h="<p><link rel=\"stylesheet\" type=\"text/css\" href=\"" + ROOT + "gizmos/epithets/epithets.css\">";
	h+="<table width=\"135\" cellspacing=\"0\" cellpadding=\"0\" border=\"0\"><tr><td>";
    // beginning of html for generator
	if (type!=1)
    // quote version
		{v="jesus";
		switch(ver*1)
    // sets which person to have displayed
			{case 0:	v="jesus";		break;
			case 1:	v="teresa";		break;
			case 2:	v="lincoln";		break;
			case 3:	v="hawking";		break;
			case 4:	v="pj";			break;
			case 5: 	v="curless";		break;
			}
		h+="<img src=\""+ ROOT + "gizmos/epithets/eq1.gif\"></td></tr><tr><td class=\"eq2\">";
		h+="<div class=\"eqscreen\" id=\"epscreen\">" + ep1 + "</div></td></tr>";
		h+="<tr><td><img src=\"" + ROOT + "gizmos/epithets/eq3.gif\"></td></tr>";
		h+="<tr><td class=\"eqpic\"><img src=\"" + ROOT + "gizmos/epithets/eq" + v + ".gif\"></td></tr>";
		h+="<tr><td class=\"eplink\"><center><a href=\"javascript:void(0);\" onClick=\"load_epgen();\" class=\"epgenbutton\">Reload</a><center><p>";
		}
	else
    // tech version
		{v="yellow";
		switch(ver*1)
    // sets color of it
			{case 0:	v="black";		break;
			case 1:	v="blue";			break;
			case 2:	v="yellow";		break;
			case 3:	v="red";			break;
			case 4:	v="pink";			break;
			case 5:	v="black";		break;
			}
		h+="<img src=\"" + ROOT + "gizmos/epithets/en1" + v + ".gif\"></td></tr>";
		h+="<tr><td class=\"en2" + v + "\"><div class=\"enscreen\" id=\"epscreen\">" + ep1 + "</div>";
		h+="<p class=epbutton><center><a href=\"javascript:void(0);\" onClick=\"load_epgen();\" class=\"epgenbutton\">Reload</a><center></td></tr>";
		h+="<tr><td><img src=\"" + ROOT + "gizmos/epithets/en3" + v + ".gif\"></td></tr>";
		h+="<tr><td class=\"eplink\">";
		}
	h+="<a href=\"" + PJLINK + "2\" class=\"eplink\">Epithet Generator</a></td></tr></table>";
	return h;
	}

    //	++++++++++++++++++	EPITHET FUNCTIONS ABOVE			++++++++++++++++++
    //	++++++++++++++++++	LAWS FUNCTIONS  BELOW			++++++++++++++++++

function get_place()
    // randomly gets place for use with laws
	{plc="Tulsa, Oklahoma";
	var rn=randomval(18);
	switch(rn)
		{case 0:	plc="Tulsa, Oklahoma";			break;
		case 1:	plc="Spokane, Washington";			break;
		case 2:	plc="Bakersfield, California";			break;
		case 3:	plc="Bridgeport, Connecticut";		break;
		case 4:	plc="Danville, Virginia";			break;
		case 5:	plc="Valdosta, Georgia";			break;
		case 6:	plc="Mesa, Arizona";			break;
		case 7:	plc="Shreveport, Louisiana";			break;
		case 8:	plc="Rockford, Illinois";			break;
		case 9:	plc="Worcester, Massachusetts";		break;
		case 10:	plc="Wichita, Kansas";			break;
		case 11:	plc="Aurora, Colorado";			break;
		case 12:	plc="Fort Wayne, Indiana";			break;
		case 13:	plc="Madison, Wisconsin";			break;
		case 14:	plc="Garland, Texas";			break;
		case 15:	plc="Grand Rapids, Michigan";		break;
		case 16:	plc="Boise, Idaho";				break;
		case 17:	plc="Jackson, Mississippi";			break;
		case 18:	plc="Tulsa, Oklahoma";			break;
		}
	return plc;
	}


function get_law()
    // randomly gets law
	{law="<b><u>Legal Fact:</u></b> &nbsp; ";
	p=get_place();
	var rn=randomval(17);
	switch(rn)
		{case 0:	law+="It is not legal to decapitate a hooker within 930 feet of the town square of " + p + " during lunchtime.";
			break;
		case 1:	law+="Raping a left-handed child (even an orphan) while operating an open wagon driven by a team of more than 2 horses is not legal in " + p + ".";
			break;
		case 2:	law+="In " + p + " it is not legal to shoot the President of the United States in the face while either of you is churning butter.";
			break;
		case 3:	law+="Going into the " + p + " public zoo and decapitating a penguin taller than 14 inches with a Korean made sickle is not legal on any Sunday in May."; 
			break;
		case 4:	law+="It is not legal in " + p + " for a person who speaks Hungarian to disembowel a minor child between Easter and Labor day.";
			break;
		case 5:	law+="Displaying, on a sign larger than 4 square feet,  a picture of your flaccid penis on the face of a newborn baby ";
			law+=" is not legal within the city limits of " + p + ".";
			break;
		case 6:	law+="Mutilating the corpse of a " + p + " police officer within 20 feet of a school while whistling is not legal.";
			break;
		case 7:	law+="Committing acts of genocide in a public park while wearing the state seal of Oklahoma (regardless of size) is not legal in " + p + ".";
			break;
		case 8:	law+="It is not legal in " + p + " to mix 2 cups sugar, 3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil, a can of creamed corn and excrement from a household pet ";
			law+=" and throw it at a Methodist preacher on election day.";
			break;
		case 9:	law+="It is not legal in " + p + " to detonate a nuclear powered explosive on the lawn of the town's chief constable while wearing an ascot."; 
			break;
		case 10:	law+="It is not legal to sexually gratify yourself with a male dog wieghing less than 12 pounds in the parking lot of the " + p + " civic center between dusk and dawn.";
			break;
		case 11:	law+="In " + p + " it is not legal to abort a baby with a can of hairspray and a Bic lighter without the express written consent of Major League Baseball.";
			break;
		case 12:	law+="Drowning a child and a cat in the same bathtub without draining and refilling it between said drownings is not legal in " + p + ".";
			break;
		case 13:	law+="Using more than 3 quarter horses to decapitate your granddaughter, niece or brother-in-law is not legal in " + p + " during Lent.";
			break;
		case 14:	law+="Through force nor coercion, it is not legal to make a pre-pubscent child perform felatio on an unbridled horse taller than 4 hands on any " + p;
			law+=" public roadway with a speed limit greater than 20 mph.";
			break;
		case 15:	law+="Forcibly curing more than 8 ounces of cement in the vagina and/or anus  of a uniformed Girl Scout is not legal in " + p + ".";
			break;
		case 16:	law+="It is not legal, in a building zoned for commercial use in " + p + ", to employ a garlic press in murdering a woman and her unborn child.";
			break;   
		case 17:	law+="It is not legal to decapitate a hooker within 930 feet of the town square of " + p + " during lunchtime.";
			break;
		}

	return law;
	}



    //	++++++++++++++++++	LAWS FUNCTION ABOVE			++++++++++++++++++
    //	++++++++++++++++++	BANNER ADS FUNCTIONS  BELOW		++++++++++++++++++


function pjbanner(n)
    // toggles images from ad to message, depending on cursor location 
	{pic="fakead" + n;
	if (document[pic].src==offfake.src) document[pic].src=onfake.src;
	else document[pic].src=offfake.src;
	}


    //	++++++++++++++++++	BANNER ADS FUNCTIONS ABOVE		++++++++++++++++++
    //	++++++++++++++++++	PICKUP LINE FUNCTIONS BELOW		++++++++++++++++++


function get_pickup()
    // randomly gets pickup line
	{pu="How much?";
	var rn=randomval(28);
	switch(rn*1)
		{case 0:	pu="Baby youso fine you make me want to turn on some Q Lazzarus, tuck my dick and nuts into my asscrack and dance around with ";
			pu+="a dress made of your skin on. <p>Damn yous fine.";
			break;
		case 1:	pu="I am sure you get this a lot, but I just wanted to tell you how attractive you are. I mean, there is ";
			pu+="nothing sexier than a 45-year old, chain smoking pregnant chick with a facial tick and a stutter.";
			break;
		case 2:	pu="Ever been fucked in the ass by a redhead with a 10 inch cock?  <p>I have. Hurts like a bitch. How about we go back to my place ";
			pu+="and I show you the tear marks in my asshole?";
			break;
		case 3:	pu="Now I know this is going to sound like a tired pickup line, but honey, you wouldn't be the fattest nor ugliest bitch I ever fucked.  ";
			pu+="<p>Not by far.";
			break;
		case 4:	pu="<p>Call me a homeless romantic, but how about we go back to under my bridge and get to know each other?";
			break;
		case 5:	pu="<p><br><br>For a fat chick, you're pretty hot.";
			break;
		case 6:	pu="<p><br><br>I wouldn't kick you out of my bed for sucking my cock.";
			break;
		case 7:	pu="<p><br><br>Voulez-vous couchez avec moi, en votre derriere, ce soir?";
			break;
		case 8:	pu="Call me old fashioned, but I don't jump into bed on the first date.  <p>You can just blow me in the men's room shitter, if you prefer. ";
			break;
		case 9:	pu="My grandpa taught me to court a woman properly.  I always buy her candy, roses or scratch off lottery tickets ";
			pu+="before I assfuck her and wipe my dick in her hair. He made me a gentleman.";
			break;
		case 10:	pu="Did it hurt? <p>When they rearranged the letters in the alphabet, because you've been running through my mind all night.";
			break;
		case 11:	pu="You seem like the perfect woman:  attractive, smart, level-headed. <p>You're definetly the type of woman I would love to owe ";
			pu+="18 years of back child support to.";
			break;
		case 12:	pu="Not to brag, but I am pretty good in the sack.  I would tear your pussy a new asshole. <p>Or vice versa if you prefer.  ";
			pu+="Lady's choice.";
			break;
		case 13:	pu="One night with me and you will remember it for the rest of your life. <p>The herpes, anal fissures and stalking will make sure of that.";
			break;
		case 14:	pu="I want a woman like my mother:  Nice, intelligent, attractive, able to take a punch, loves children, trustworty, big fucking tits, hairy cunt ";
			pu+="and always stands up for what's right.  Is that you? ";
			break;
		case 15:	pu="What are you talking about?  Don't sell yourself short. Every guy's secret fantasy is to be with a 4'6 370lb. balding, double masectomy ";
			pu+="patient with a hairlip and eczema.  You're quite the catch.";
			break;
		case 16:	pu="I'm no Cyrano de Bergerac or Romeo Montague or Rico Suave or any of those fancy talking pussy getters, so let me put this as "
			pu+="best I can:<p>You're fucking hot and shit. For real.";
			break;
		case 17:	pu="You've been in bad relationships, I've been in bad relationships. Screw our pasts. I  say we give this ";
			pu+="'Us' thing a shot. Then we can try to get even with our ex's by fucking each other over for awhile.";
			break;
		case 18:	pu="<p><br><br>How much?";
			break;
		case 19:	pu="You make a beautiful poem come to mind.  I believe I am quoting Miggs' romantic verse when I say:<p>'I can smell your cunt'. ";
			break;
		case 20:	pu="<p><br><br>Ever seen the inside of a 44 gallon drum?";
			break;
		case 21:	pu="Chivalry is not dead,  I treat the women I am with right.  It's just how I was raised.  <p>The last girl I dated got a law named for ";
			pu+="her. And a bunch of candlelight vigils.";
			break;
		case 22:	pu="<p><br>How about you and me ditch your husband's boring funeral and go have some fun?";
			break;
		case 23:	pu="<p><br>Baby, if loving you is wrong, then revoke my probation and sign me up as a registered sex offender again.";
			break;
		case 24:	pu="<p>I hope I am not being to forward, but I'd like to buy you an abortion.";
			break;
		case 25:	
		case 26:	
		case 27:
		case 28:
			place="gangbang";
			switch(randomval(12))
				{case 0:	place="gangbang";			break;
				case 1:	place="porn shop jerk off booth";	break;
				case 2:	place="abortion clinic";		break; 
				case 3:	place="family reunion";		break;
				case 4:	place="street corner";		break;	
				case 5:	place="hospice";			break;
				case 6:	place="jailcell";			break;
				case 7:	place="homeless shelter";		break;
				case 8:	place="domestic abuse shelter";	break;
				case 9:	place="internment camp";		break;
				case 10:	place="crematorium";		break;
				case 11:	place="crackhouse";		break;
				case 12:	place="klan rally";			break;
				}
			switch(randomval(5))
				{case 0:	pu="I don't want to hurt anyones feelings, but you are hands down the most attractive woman at this " + place + ".";
					break;
				case 1:	pu="I hate to sound all starry-eyed and mushy, but I truly believe fate or something higher than both of us ";
					pu+="wanted us to meet at this " + place +".";
					break;
				case 2:	pu="Now, I don't believe in love at first sight, but something must be in the air here at this " + place + ", because I think ";
					pu+="I am falling for you.";
				case 3:	 
				case 4:
				case 5:	pu="<p><br><br>So, come to this " + place + " often?";	
					break;
				}
			break;
		}
	return "<center>" + pu + "</center>";
	}
function load_pickup()
    // loads pickup generator
	{++freeclicks;
	if (freeclicks>=15)
    // if used it 15 times redirects user to my site
		{toshow="<br>Oh you smelly cocktease.  I tried to be nice, to play the game, say the right things but you couldn't take a hint.  Guess I have to take you by force.";
		document.getElementById("puscreen").innerHTML = toshow;
		setTimeout("window.location=\"" + PJLINK + "4\";", 800);
		}
	else if (freeclicks==10) 
    // warns user to go to my site if clicked 10 times
		{toshow="Hey Romeo, go to the <a href=\"" + PJLINK + "4\" ";
		toshow+="style=\"color: #0000FF;\">Porkjerky.com Guaranteed Pickup Lines Page</a> or I'll send you.";
		document.getElementById("puscreen").innerHTML = toshow;
		}
	else document.getElementById("puscreen").innerHTML = get_pickup();	
    // loads pickup line
	return false;
	}


    //	++++++++++++++++++	PICKUP LINE FUNCTIONS ABOVE		++++++++++++++++++
    //	++++++++++++++++++	TEXT AD FUNCTIONS BELOW			++++++++++++++++++

function load_textads()
    // loads all text ads that can be displayed into arrays and then determines which ones will be used
	{make_textad(0, "Put Your Ad Here", "Follow the below link to set up these fake ads on your site and customize the text in this spot to your message.", "Porkjerky.com/free/textads.php"); 
	make_textad(1, "Enlarge Your Hubris", "Be that disillusioned, pretentious fuck who puts ads on his site.  Show the world how important you think you are.");
	make_textad(2, "Misinformed Idiot", "I think my site's so valuable that other, even retarder people will pay for links.  Man, I take the fucking cake.");
	make_textad(3, "Sell Out Whore 4 Sale", "My turd of a site gets 2 visitors a month but I'm gonna make millions thru these cocksucking ads.");
	make_textad(4, "You A Fucking Retard?", "Then you need to put these ads on your site and get filthy rich. I guarantee it*.<br>*Not a guarantee.");
	make_textad(5, "Worthless Fuck For Sale", "Nevermind my low I.Q., inability, nor the worthlessness of this site: I still deserve to make money off it with ads.");
	make_textad(6, "Will Sell-Out For Pennies", "Hey look--dumber shits than me paid to put ads on this site.  Its not often I get to say this: 'What fucking retards'.");
	make_textad(7, "Living The Dream", "Free hosting, I copy shit I steal from others, don't have my own domain; yet I think I deserve ad money for this.");
	make_textad(8, "Somewhere Somehow...", "Communism is rolling over in its grave and laughing at all you fucks trying to make a buck off shitty ads like these.");
	make_textad(9, "Misinformation SuperHighway", "Don't let actual results dissuade you from slapping crappy ads on your site and not making any money from them.");
	make_textad(10, "You're Missing Out", "On nothing.  But don't let actual results fool you.  You need to add shitty ads like these to your site. Pronto.");
	make_textad(11, "Hop On The Ad Bandwagon", "If everyone added shitty ads that didn't make them any money to their site should you?  Hell fuck yeah.");
	make_textad(12, "Let The World Know...", "...You're an unthinking lemming by doing what everyone else is.  Putting these ads on your site should do it.");
	make_textad(13, "Empty Promises For Sale", "I promise when you put these shitty ads on your site I'll be 100% satisfied with the compensation you receive.");
	make_textad(14, "Are You A Superduper Dupe?", "If so, you can have these ads on your site and be misled into believing you will get rich because of them in no time.");
	make_textad(15, "Check Out My Balls", "I really believe this shithole site will make money from these ads?  Jesus Christ. I've got some fucking nerve.");
	make_textad(16, "Baby Jesus Cries...", "...When there isn't advertising on every fucking inch of the internet.  Be a good christian and put these on your site.");
    // loads textad parts into arrays
	var mad=talink.length-2;
	adtouse[0]=randomval(mad)+1;
	adtouse[1]=0;
    // determines how many ads there are and sets the first 2 that will be used, 1st one is random, 2nd will be user supplied
	for (i=2; i<5; ++i) 
    // sets the other 3 ads to show up making sure no duplicates 
		{gnum=0;
		maxj=adtouse.length;
		while (gnum==0)
    // pulls random numbers as candidates for ads to use and sees if they are already in use
			{t=randomval(mad)+1;
			g=1;
			for (j=0; j<maxj; ++j) if(adtouse[j]==t) g=0;
			if (g==1) 
    // if not already set to be used the ad is set to be used in current position 
				{gnum=1;
				adtouse[maxj]=t;
				}
			}
		}
	return false;
	}
function make_textad(tn, ttitle, tbody, tlink)
    // puts all parts of ad into an array, makes it easier to display and scroll ads 
	{tatitle[tn]=ttitle;
	tabody[tn]=tbody;
	if (typeof tlink != "undefined")  talink[tn]=tlink;
	else talink[tn]=get_textadlink();
    // if tlink is there it uses it, if not randomly gets one to use as porkjerky fake link text
	}
function get_textadlink()
    // randomly selects a fake url to display
	{var ml="Porkjerky.com/";
	switch(randomval(11))
		{case 0:	ml+="SellOut";		break;
		case 1:	ml+="RetardFuck";		break;
		case 2:	ml+="DumbShit";		break;
		case 3:	ml+="IdiotTard";		break;
		case 4:	ml+="Brainless";		break;
		case 5:	ml+="StupidFuck";		break;
		case 6:	ml+="WhoreTard";		break;
		case 7:	ml+="Shit4Brains";		break;
		case 8:	ml+="AdWhore";		break;
		case 9:	ml+="ShillFuck";		break;
		case 10:	ml+="ImStupid";		break;
		case 11:	ml+="Worthless";		break;
		}
	return ml;
	}
function movearrow(dir)
    // moves ads left (dir=-1)  and right (dir=1) when arrows are clicked 
	{if ((dir>0) && (tapos<2)) ++tapos;
	if ((dir<0) && (tapos>0)) --tapos;
    // makes sure arrow will work--not in first or last position
	setarrows();
	positionads();
    // resets ads and arrows based on position change
	return false;
	}
function whitearrow(an)	{if ((tapos==1) || ((tapos==0) && (an==1)) || ((tapos==2) && (an==0))) for (k=0; k<ta_id; ++k) document.getElementById("taarrow" + an + "_" + k).src=ROOT + "gizmos/textads/arrow" + an + "white.gif";}
    // swaps image of arrow when moused over, an is the arrow to swap

function positionads()
    // controls what ads show in what spots
	{for (j=0; j<3; ++j) for (k=0; k<ta_id; ++k)
    // sets values for all positions that the ads that show
		{document.getElementById("ad" + j + "title_" + k).innerHTML=tatitle[adtouse[tapos + j]];
		if (adtouse[tapos + j]==0) document.getElementById("ad" + j + "title_" + k).href="http://" + talink[adtouse[tapos + j]];
		else document.getElementById("ad" + j + "title_" + k).href=PJLINK + "6";
		var b=tabody[adtouse[tapos + j]] + "<br><a href=\"";
		if (adtouse[tapos + j]==0) b+="http://" + talink[adtouse[tapos + j]];
		else b+=PJLINK + "6";
		document.getElementById("ad" + j +  "body_" + k).innerHTML=b +  "\" class=\"tafoot\">" + talink[adtouse[tapos + j]] + "</a>";
		}
	return false;
	}
function setarrows()
    // sets arrow images to what they should be based on tapos
	{var taroot=ROOT + "gizmos/textads/";
	for (k=0; k<ta_id; ++k)
		{switch(tapos)
			{case 0:	document.getElementById("taarrow0_" + k).src=taroot + "arrow0gray.gif";
				document.getElementById("taarrow1_" + k).src=taroot + "arrow1black.gif";
				break;
			case 1:	document.getElementById("taarrow0_" + k).src=taroot + "arrow0black.gif";
				document.getElementById("taarrow1_" + k).src=taroot + "arrow1black.gif";
				break;
			case 2:	document.getElementById("taarrow0_" + k).src=taroot + "arrow0black.gif";
				document.getElementById("taarrow1_" + k).src=taroot + "arrow1gray.gif";
				break;
			}
		}
	return false;
	}


    //	++++++++++++++++++	TEXT AD FUNCTIONS ABOVE			++++++++++++++++++
    //	++++++++++++++++++	INITIALIZATION FUNCTIONS  BELOW		++++++++++++++++++


function pj_truelaw()
	{var h="<link rel=\"stylesheet\" type=\"text/css\" href=\"" + ROOT + "gizmos/laws/laws.css\">";
	h+="<div class=\"weirdlaw\"><div class=\"lawtitle\">Hilariously True<br>&<br>Truly Illegal</div>";
	h+="<p class=\"lawtext\">" + get_law() + "</div>";
	document.writeln(h);
	return false;
	}
function pj_bannerad(umsg)
	{if (umsg) onfake.src=ROOT + "gizmos/bannerads/bannermsg.cgi?msg=" + umsg;
	var h="<center><a href=\"" + PJLINK + "1\" onMouseOver=\"pjbanner(" + adnum + ")\" onMouseOut=\"pjbanner(" + adnum + ")\">";
	h+="<img src=\"" + offfake.src + "\" name=\"fakead" + adnum + "\" border=\"0\"></a></center>";
	document.writeln(h);
	return false;
	}
function pj_personalad()
    // generates html to show personal ad, randomly chooses which one 
	{var h="<div style=\"width: 130px; background: #FFFFFF; padding: 2px; border-style: ridge; margin: 8px;\">";
	h+="<a href=\"" + PJLINK + "3\">";
	h+="<img src=\"" + ROOT + "gizmos/personalads/personal" + randomval(8);
	document.writeln(h+".gif\" border=\"0\" alt=\"Oo Ee Oo Ah Ah Ting Tang Wal-la Wal-la Bing Bang\"></a></div>");
	return false;
	}
function pj_epgen(t, v)
    // writes html for epithet generator, t is device (1) or person (0), v determines specific person/device 
	{if (typeof v=="undefined")
    // if version not selected randomly chooses which one to show
		{t=randomval(1);
		v=randomval(5);
		}
	document.writeln(html_epnano(t, v));
	return false;
	}
function pj_pickup()
    // generates html for pickupline generator
	{puroot=ROOT + "gizmos/pickup/";
	var h="<p><link rel=\"stylesheet\" type=\"text/css\" href=\"" + puroot + "pickup.css\">";
	h+="<table width=\"135\" cellspacing=\"0\" cellpadding=\"0\" border=\"0\"><tr><td>";
    // beginning of html for generator
	h+="<img src=\""+ puroot + "pu1.gif\"></td></tr><tr><td class=\"pu2\">";
	h+="<div class=\"puscreen\" id=\"puscreen\">" + get_pickup() + "</div></td></tr>";
	h+="<tr><td><img src=\"" + puroot + "pu3.gif\"></td></tr>";
	h+="<tr><td class=\"pupic\"><img src=\"" + puroot + "sexymf.gif\"></td></tr>";
	h+="<tr><td class=\"pulink\"><center><a href=\"javascript:void(0);\" onClick=\"load_pickup();\" class=\"pubutton\">Reload</a><center></td></tr>";
	h+="<tr><td class=\"pulink\">";
	h+="<a href=\"" + PJLINK + "4\" class=\"pulink\">Porkjerky.com Guaranteed Pickup Lines</a></td></tr></table>";
	document.writeln(h);
	return false;
	}
function pj_simile(imn)
    // generates html for simile creator, imn is background image to use on it
	{if (typeof imn=="undefined") imn=randomval(12);
	ims="japanese";
	switch(imn)
    // gets	image name to display later
		{case 0:	ims="japanese";		break;
		case 1:	ims="vote";		break;
		case 2:	ims="rip";			break;
		case 3:	ims="hunger";		break;
		case 4:	ims="baby";		break;
		case 5:	ims="turd";		break;
		case 6:	ims="toilet";		break;
		case 7:	ims="logo";		break;
		case 8:	ims="jason";		break;
		case 9:	ims="sexy";		break;
		case 10:	ims="flag";		break;
		case 11:	ims="jesus";		break;
		case 12:	ims="patriot";		break;
		}			
	var h="<p align=\"center\"><link rel=\"stylesheet\" type=\"text/css\" href=\"" + ROOT + "/gizmos/similes/similes.css\"><center>";
	h+="<div class=\"smarea\">Porkjerky.com Simile Creator...";
	h+="<div class=\"smimage\"><a href=\"" + PJLINK + "5\" border=\"0\"><img id=\"smpic\" src=\"" + ROOT + "/gizmos/similes/sm" + ims + ".gif\" border=\"0\" alt=\"Porkjerky.com For All Your Simile Needs\"></a></div>";
	h+="<div class=\"smspot\" id=\"smspot\">...Almost As Shitty As Your Browser Which Doesn't Support Javascript. Idiotfuck. </div></div>";
	h+="<br><a href=\"javascript:void(0);\" onclick=\"load_smgen();\" class=\"smbutton\">Reload</a><script>load_smgen();</script></center>";
	document.writeln(h);
	}
function pj_textad(title, body, url)
    // generates html for simile creator, bgc is background color, fc is font color, title is users ad title, body is users ad body, and url is users url
	{load_textads();
	if ((typeof title != "undefined") &&  (typeof body != "undefined") &&  (typeof url != "undefined"))
    // if passed valid data to make users own ad displays it
		{if ((title.length<=30) || (body.length<=130) ||  (url.length<=30)) make_textad(0, title, body, url);
		}
	var taroot=ROOT + "gizmos/textads/";
	var h="<link rel=\"stylesheet\" type=\"text/css\" href=\"" + taroot + "textads.css\">";
	h+="<center><table class=\"taarea\" cellpadding=\"0\" cellspacing=\"0\">";
	h+="<tr><td class=\"taad\" width=\"33%\" valign=\"top\"><a href=\"" + PJLINK + "6\" class=\"tatitle\" id=\"ad0title_" + ta_id + "\">Ad0</a>";
	h+="<p class=\"tap\" id=\"ad0body_" + ta_id + "\">Ad0 body<br><a href=\"" + PJLINK + "6\" class=\"tafoot\">Ad0  Link</a></td>";
	h+="<td class=\"taad\" width=\"33%\" valign=\"top\"><a href=\"" + PJLINK + "6\" class=\"tatitle\" id=\"ad1title_" + ta_id + "\">Ad1</a>";
	h+="<p class=\"tap\" id=\"ad1body_" + ta_id + "\">Ad1 body<br><a href=\"" + PJLINK + "6\" class=\"tafoot\">Ad1 Link</a></td>";
	h+="<td class=\"taad\" width=\"33%\" valign=\"top\"><a href=\"" + PJLINK + "6\" class=\"tatitle\" id=\"ad2title_" + ta_id + "\">Ad2</a>";
	h+="<p class=\"tap\" id=\"ad2body_" + ta_id + "\">Ad2 body<br><a href=\"" + PJLINK + "6\" class=\"tafoot\">Ad2 Link</a></td></tr>";
	h+="<tr><td class=\"taarrows\"><img src=\"" + taroot + "arrow0gray.gif\" id=\"taarrow0_" + ta_id + "\" onMouseOver=\"whitearrow(0)\" onMouseOut=\"setarrows()\" onClick=\"movearrow(-1);\"><img src=\"" + taroot + "arrow1black.gif\" id=\"taarrow1_" + ta_id + "\" onMouseOver=\"whitearrow(1)\" onMouseOut=\"setarrows()\" onClick=\"movearrow(1);\"></td>";
	h+="<td colspan=\"2\" align=\"right\" valign=\"bottom\"><a href=\"" + PJLINK + "6\"><img src=\"" + taroot + "tafooter.gif\" border=\"0\"></a></td></tr></table></center>";
	document.writeln(h);
	++ta_id;
	positionads();
	return false;
	}